I wanted to revisit my struggle with depression in light of Kate Spade’s and Anthony Bourdain’s suicides. I’m currently in a good place in life and I credit my emotional well-being to weekly coaching through BetterUp. My coach is a licensed clinical psychologist which makes my sessions more like a hybrid of therapy/coaching.
In my 40+ years, I feel like I’ve tried it all: vitamins, herbs, antidepressants, essential oils, counseling, acupuncture, group therapy, psychotherapy, hypnosis, breathing, meditation, prayer! But what I really appreciate about BetterUp is the regularity of weekly sessions. In the past, I’ve done sessions haphazardly because it was so damn expensive to go consistently. BetterUp is accessible and affordable. I feel so lucky to take part in this coaching service. By the way, this is not a sponsored post. I’m just such a believer in the program because of how far I’ve grown in the few months I’ve been working with my coach. I would highly encourage anyone to seek out a coach, mentor, therapist or doctor for mental health. RIP Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade and so many thoughts and prayers for their families.
The below was published on October 20, 2015.
I mentioned in a post last week that I was in a funk. That was code for depression.
I have known this for a while and have been trying to take care of myself, but it’s been challenging given my busy work schedule, the responsibilities of being a new mom, and the guilt I feel for not spending enough time with my son.
Over the weekend, I hit a psychological nadir. I sat in bed weeping uncontrollably, overwhelmed by negativity. I felt lost, directionless, and hopeless, as if all my achievements were behind me and there was nothing in my future to look forward to.
I called Kaiser in a panic. Unfortunately, the psychiatry department isn’t open on the weekends. The advice nurse said to go to the emergency room if warranted. I genuinely felt like I was in crisis, but did not think going to the ER would best serve my needs. I did a quick online search for therapists and sent urgent emails asking for assistance. One said that her practice was full, but recommended a colleague. Two said they could see me Monday. Thankfully, one responded that she could make herself available at 5pm on Saturday. I booked it and drove from Alameda to the opposite end of San Francisco (45 minute drive) to see her.
She was a God send. First she listened and seemed so empathetic that she got teary-eyed listening to my pain. She explained how critical it was for me to take care of myself. And that I was no use to anyone if I wasn’t feeling my best. Then she got to work, going over the vitamins, exercise regimen, and the antidepressant she felt would benefit me most. Therapists do not prescribe medication, but she has a nurse practitioner background from UCSF, which I wasn’t aware of until I saw the diploma in her office. That was very appealing to me as I like dealing with smart, credentialed professionals.
She performed hypnotherapy on me, asking me to think of a moment in time when I was blissfully happy and to describe that back to her. Because of emails that had been crossing my inbox that morning from Burner friends, I pinpointed a time at Burning Man, biking one evening with another volunteer, admiring the art. I remember the weather was perfect. Like a giddy kid, I rode with the wind kissing my face. We stopped intermittently to park our bikes and view the art installations: the expansive temple, the fire-breathing dragon, the cinema that was actually playing a movie. In describing the event, I realized that happiness was about being fully present. There was no past or future. It was solely about riding a bike with a friend on the playa. Magical. And by reliving that moment, I was able to feel happy again. I felt immediately better after the hypnosis, which she recorded as an MP3 resource for me to listen to. She said that we are not defined by our moods, that they come and go like clouds, but that we can choose how to feel and she urged me to relive this positive memory next time I’m feeling down.
For those of you who have seen me recently, I’m optically cheerful and friendly. I doubt anyone would suspect, without reading my blog, that I was not doing well. While exuding warmth to others, I can just as easily become inconsolable at home.
I thought a lot about whether or not to write this post. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. But I also wanted to stand up for a long-standing conviction. I have known an inordinate number of people who have committed suicide, and attended two funerals as a result. I am sure that is more than most. I have always maintained, quite fiercely, how very sick they were—as sick as someone with incurable cancer. Many will argue that disease is not a choice, whereas mental illness is a choice and hence almost selfish. I resolutely disagree. It’s unfortunate that mental illness has the stigma it does, when it’s a sickness like any other that needs to be treated and treated professionally.
Maybe most people are strong enough to deal with emotional issues on their own. I am clearly not one of those people! Then those are those of us who need help, professional help—no different than seeing a physical therapist or medical doctor. I credit this therapist with helping me feel better again. It will take time, but I have started down a good path to nurturing myself back to health.
Depression is embarrassing for me to admit, and even more so now that I’m a mother. But more than anything, I got help, I’m feeling better, and that’s what matters most.
Aw, so much love and hugs to you, Catherine and seriously you are such a brave and courageous woman always, especially even more so now for sharing your feelings of depression here. I just can’t thank you enough for just always being you and hope you know how much I just adore you from reading your blog all these years. Thinking of you and sending all good thoughts your way now, too.
You are absolutely right that depression is an illness – you have nothing to be embarrassed about (but I know letting go of embarrassment is easier said than done). I, too, have lost too many people to suicide, and I applaud you for getting the help that you need. And it’s not just for you, it’s for Franco – you will be an even better mother when you are whole again. Good luck… give me a holler if you’re ever on the Peninsula!…
Thanks for posting on this topic. It’s important to normalize the need and the options (therapy doesn’t mean you’re psychotic) for getting through it. Particularly in Asian cultures, it’s even more stigmatized. That admitting your failings and failures doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or don’t deserve love or happiness. I’m glad you had enough self awareness and courage to seek out help and glad that you were able to find a therapist available when you needed them.
Don’t think it’s embarrassing at all. I think everyone goes through it. I know I do. Somedays I just feel super crappy, like I’m not getting anywhere in life etc etc. I know for myself my happy place is getting away for a few hours to surf, sitting in the middle of the ocean, away from everything and the exercise in surfing helps me work off my nervous energy and aggression. I hope you can find your happy place too.
Hugs to you and glad that you got help.
Many people don’t think it is an illness and don’t get any help. The strong are those who seek help. The weak are the ones who don’t seek it.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Sending virtual hugs. So happy you didn’t give up until you found a therapist who would see you and that she worked out so well. Hope things turn around soon. Keep sharing it may help someone else.
I’m always glad more people are talking about it. My beast is anxiety and opening up about it for the last year has opened up doorways and pathways I never imagined possible. It’s part of healing.
Sounds like you found a goldmine – this Saturday therapist with her prescribing, empathy, and hypnotherapy skills.
Dear Catherine,
I remember you so vividly from Adair’s class, remember your humor and your terrific writing, remember meeting in your flat one evening with others in the class, best of all, remembering liking you a whole lot.
Still do. Your posts are so honest and good and I think that it was hard for you to post about being in a “funk”, putting it in that cute way…but those of us who have been in the places you described one way or another, we knew. I knew. It’s terribly hard to figure it all out when you have someone precious to take care of. The fact that needs to be at the top of your list is just exhausting, no matter the abundance of love you feel. You surely did the right thing when you asked for help. I send my best old-mother wishes to you, knowing that you will carry on. It’s the thing we do, somehow. Mostly. And trying like crazy, all the while. A big hug to you, dear soul….
Barb
I’m very proud of you. As a therapist, I know of the courage and vulnerability that many clients feel entering therapy. Sorry to hear you were suffering. Glad you found what sounds like a gem of a therapist. A mental health diagnosis does not discriminate and happens to a great majority of people at some point in there lives. You are powerful and strong and a great role model of healthy living and reaching out. As a friend I want you to know you can always rely on me to talk to and your not alone. Ironically I was reading your blog post while waiting to see my therapist tonight. See even we need therapists!
Oh Catherine I am so sorry for what you’ve been going through. But it’s wonderful that you have been able to get some help. I have totally been there myself. After the twins were born I went through some hard-core postpartum depression. I was actually kind of wondering if that was what you were feeling in your last post. After reading, I said a little prayer for you. I hope your husband is being supportive through all of this. As amazing as my husband is, he refused to accept that I was depressed and I needed help, which made it really hard to recover. I’m glad you felt safe enough to share your inner struggles with us.
Sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. I’ve been there and like you no one would have ever known unless I told them. It is a really difficult and dark place to be. It is great that you are taking steps right away to see what you can do about it. When you are in it, you feel as though there is no way out, but there is. Keep fighting.
I am so glad you sought help and I applaud your courage in writing about it. Depression is a treatable condition just like
Diabetes and hypertension, the brain is just like any organ in the body that needs taking care of.
I think you are brave to write about this. You shouldn’t have to be, but as you said, there is still a stigma about mental illness. I’m glad you are getting the help you need, Catherine.