Did you or your spouse change names after marriage?
The day Dean and I went to City Hall to obtain our marriage certificate, we left separately in a rage. I had assumed I was going to keep my name. He assumed I was going to take his. It didn’t end pretty. I ultimately caved in as I didn’t want to get into an all-out brawl in public.
Dean and I are very different and we have our share of disagreements, but this one was a big one. It’s a fundamental difference in how I value my name and heritage versus his view that in marriage there is only one family name and it needs to match the husband.
Gacad is my maiden name. All that I stand for is in my signature. My blood, sweat, and tears through decades of education, honors, and accolades. Not just a brand, but a life…a life that can be whittled down to an almighty signature and name.
And it’s not even about age. You know how people say they kept their name because they’d married late. Marrying at 35 does not diminish the fact that I’d already built up brand recognition at 25 or even 15.
Let me cite two examples:
- When I was a kid, I was in the regional spelling bee. I bonded with the contestant sitting next to me as we spelled our words back-to-back, rooting each other on and high-fiving after each successful round. With the dawn of Facebook, that person discovered me and would never have been able to do so if I’d changed my name.
- My boss copied me on a group email to external clients and said I would take care of a certain task. Someone then replied back, “Is that the one and only Catherine Gacad who went to the University of Chicago GSB?!”
Dean reasoned that taking his name was just the way it had to be, which obviously, is very conformist. When he shared his views with a childhood friend’s wife, she attacked him, “Why? Because Catherine’s your property? You know that’s the only reason why women have taken the man’s last name. Because they were enslaved to their men. That’s so 1900s. Women are successful now and paving their own path. We’re entitled to retain our names. Do you disagree?”
I smirked as Dean cowered under her cross-examination.
Please consider this important point. At birth, a female takes her father’s name. Then in marriage, she takes her husband’s name. That means during the whole duration of a woman’s life she is never connected by name to her mother, the very woman who birthed her! Isn’t that sad and also so wrong?
Men should be happy with the fact that children will forever have their last name. Dean has come around after much debate and grilling from my modernist friends, but his gift is that our children will be Barbellas and not Gacads.
After I signed the marriage certificate with the name Catherine Gacad Barbella, that’s where it ended. For all intents and purposes, I have not changed my name or passport or driver’s license. It is and always will be Catherine Gacad.
Would love your comments!
Did you/Would you keep your name or change it? Why?
What if prior to marriage you had established a successful career (i.e., published a book or started your own consulting firm) with your maiden name?
As you may have noticed, Catherine, I kept my name. Neither Marc nor I ever assumed that I would do one or the other, and I thought about it long and hard before deciding to keep it. While I could see the benefit (and emotional satisfaction) that would come from being an easily identifiable family unit, that was the only benefit I could see, and to me it was outweighed by the benefits of not changing my name.
A significant part of my identity has come from being a Murphy – it’s (clearly) a strong connection to my Irish heritage, but also to my grandparents and father, all of whom I love/loved very, very much. I have friends who still call me “Murph.” Further, yes, before I got married I had accomplished a lot as Michaela Murphy. I take pride in all of that history.
I can’t tell you how many people said, “Why not just make Murphy your middle name, then?” Well, because my middle name is a family name from my mom’s side – and keeping my dad’s family name but rejecting my mom’s would feel awful!
I thought I might change my name if/when we had kids, in the interest of alleviating any confusion (the practical consideration) and, again, ensuring that we all felt that we were part of the same family unit (the emotional consideration). But Calvin’s almost 5 now, and I don’t at all regret my choice. That said, both he and Douglas have Murphy for their middle names – and that was very important to me! (Their last name is their dad’s.) That said, you’d think this was the 1900s the way people so often do get confused about it – just yesterday, on the phone with the doctor’s office about an appointment for Douglas, as the woman was taking down my information, I got, “And your last name is the same as his, right?” with barely a moment to pause before she went on to the next question. I had to interrupt her to say no, it’s not.
Anyway. Wow, I rambled on. To go back to my initial point, though – I thought about it. Actually, I agonized about it. And at the end of the day, that’s what bugs me most – how many women don’t even seem to think the question merits consideration (and how many men, for that matter – what’s up, Dean???). Do what’s best for you – but do it because you decide it’s best for you, not because it’s the way it’s always been done, or it’s what your friends do, or it’s what your family pressures you to do.
This is what comes of being one of the only outspoken feminists at the GSB… you feel the need to speak up on these subjects! 🙂 Thanks for giving me a soapbox!
michaela, i am going to do the same. my kid’s middle name will be ‘gacad’ to return the heritage. i also had my mom’s maiden name as my middle name. i do think it’s so weird that people can be pretty backwards when it comes to this issue.
I changed my last name not once but twice for marriage. I didn’t give the 1st time much thought but the 2nd time it was really hard for me because of how wonderful it had felt to reclaim my maiden name after my 1st marriage ended. Even 3 years later I still kind of regret changing my last name. If you feel that strongly about it then I think it’s great you held onto it.
thanks cece. bottom line is people need to do what’s important to them and if there’s a strong identity with the maiden name, then a woman has a right to keep it.
I did change my name, but only because my maiden name was so long and no one could ever spell or pronounce it (drove me crazy growing up), but on places like on my personal Facebook, I included my maiden last name for those still wanting to find me or didn’t know me by my married name. I totally think it is up to the woman though and no one should tell her what to do here.
that’s a great idea, janine, on including your maiden name on facebook so people from your past can find you. that’s awesome.
Keep your name. You have built your life before you got married. Keep it. It honors who you are and your family.
Just mu simple thoughts.
thanks patrick. people need to do what feels right and if it feels right (especially when it has to do with your heritage and identity), then that ought to take precedence.
I did change mine, but I was torn for a long time. There are some strong reasons to keep our names, for sure. I ultimately wanted my whole family (including what was then future children) to have the same name. I don’t know why. I kept thinking of stupid little things that say, “The Bowman” or whatnot.
My mom kept her name. My dad was not happy at first, but he gets it now.
tamara, your dad and my husband would probably get a long. ha! retaining my name was a huge kerfuffle, but dean gets it now as well.
I got married, went through the big hassle of changing my name and then a year later had to go through the embarrassment of changing it back. Brutal! I would like to have the same last name as my kids so I think that is why I would change it if I married again at an age young enough for children.
kate, that’s a great reason to want to change your name. i have a lot of respect for people who simply have an opinion on why – versus, ‘that’s just the way it is.’ that’s what drives me bonkers.
I’m totally neutral on this one and say to each their own. The only reason I wanted to change mine was because I wanted my little family unit, me, hubby and daughter to have the same last name.
melissa, wanting your whole family to have the same last night is magnificent. i am not against women changing their name, i am only for women having the choice and to be able to retain if that is what they identify with. thank you for weighing in!
I did not change my name for like 7 months after we had been married. My 9 year career I had built as a sales person as Amber Day, I didnt want the hassle… but I finally realized that I was happy & maybe I should just add his name, so, I have 4 names… LOL, crazy I know but I just did not deem it necessary to give any of me up, I wasn’t making him give any of his names up… so I planned this big long speech for the social security office & about 5 mins into the nice man goes “ma’am, I don’t need to hear all this, if you want to keep your middle & maiden name & add his name & not hypenate it you don’t have to” but I say “I pay taxes & I planned this speech &” he goes “I understand that, but, I don’t need to hear it…” & it was that simple… so now I have 4 names & I am happy I got to keep all my names… LOL!
that is so funny amber! when we were coming up with names for our child, we decided that the name would be [first name], [my maiden name], and [last name]. we were talking about this while we were at dinner with my parents and my dad turned to my mom and said, “sorry honey,” because my mother’s maiden name is now lost.
I did struggle with the idea of giving up my name when I got married and I regretted making the change so quickly without much thought. It does feel like being separated from part of your identity but I could not help but think there is something beautiful in the compromise and joining of two families into one.
Now, 10 years later I have no regrets on taking my husband’s name. I get recognized by my face (that looks so much like my father that people I have never met know what family I belong to) and I am not defined by my name-it is not my identity. I am my identity and I am defined by my actions and life.
I also think of the Shakespeare quote from Romeo & Juliet “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet”.
It gets complicated when you get married, have kids, and then what name do they take? If you hyphen what do the kids do when they get married-have 4 last names?
I know that is not a reason to just take the man’s name but it can be a reason for compromise. Marriage is about compromise and communication and this was a compromise I am glad I made.
I do think the man can take the wife’s name or maybe create a whole new one for your family-that would be fun!
Just my thoughts 🙂
amy thank you for weighing in. i do love that families have a unified name and understand if that’s what valued. bottom line is that each individual should do what they want and what feels right to them. for me, it was about keeping my identity and heritage since ‘gacad’ is a filipino last name. if i change, then that heritage which is part of my signature has been lost. i have an overwhelmingly amount of respect for men who take a stand and take the woman’s last name. that is amazing!!!
My sister recently got married and chose to hyphenate her name. While discussing this with my boyfriend I mentioned I would want to keep my last name if we ever got married.I was shocked by his reaction. He’s always so supportive of my choices and gives a lot of leeway in out relationship, but he acted so offended by the idea that I may want to keep my same last name in marriage! I agree with you,it’s so traditional and conformist to use the male’s last name, and it reflects a still male-driven world unfortunately.
melinda, your boyfriend and my husband would get along real well! i’m surprised that when we got married he didn’t go off and have me branded like cattle. that’s a joke, but seriously, some men are so close-minded.
My parents divorced when I was 9. My mom took her maiden name back. I absolutely HATED–with a burning passion hated–that we had different last names. It made me feel like we weren’t part of the same family anymore. She was always correcting my friends or teachers who naturally called her “Mrs. My Last Name”. Oh, I despised that. It always felt so awkward and hurtful to me.
So when I got married, I took my husband’s last name. I knew we’d have kids eventually, and I felt very, very strongly I wanted all of us to be one family with one name.
The funny part–my husband was absolutely SHOCKED that I wanted to take his name!! He couldn’t believe it. He had assumed I’d always keep my maiden name because I’m a feminist–and I already had a professional life started with my maiden name.
Nope.
Different strokes for different folks. Whatever works!! 😀 –Lisa
lisa, that’s a really interesting story. i’m glad you shared with me how you felt as a kid with your mom identifying herself with a different last name. truth be told, while professionally i am ‘catherine gacad,’ i actually don’t mind or correct anyone when i’m called mrs. barbella. because i am, obviously, my husband’s wife. even one of our address stamps and sometimes our annual holiday cards will say “The Barbellas” because we are part of the same family. so i actually do bend the rules here and there 🙂 a friend of mine who kept her maiden name runs the family household and she says that her husband get a kick whenever they are at a hotel or at a restaurant and they call her husband “Mr. [Her Maiden Name].”
interesting. I wouldn’t mind getting rid of my last name. it’s my mother’s first husband’s name and I have absolutely no connection to it aside from having been called that way my whole life. as a matter of fact, I wouldn’t mind changing my first name either. I put a lot of work into becoming who I am now, and both my names reminds me of who I was. that said, I won’t force anything. but I’m absolutely not attached to my name. and I wouldn’t see it as a sign of anything to take my husband’s name. I see where you are coming from, though. I don’t have strong family ties (wish I had!!). I’d say everyone has to decide for themselves. no, let me rephrase this. every woman has to decide for herself. I don’t like men deciding or even assuming it’s all about them.
petra, i absolutely agree with you. it’s should be up to the woman to decide what feels right for her versus her husband or anyone else dictating how it should be. thank you for weighing in!
I feel like I’ve built so much equity in my name as a professional- both as an actress in the last five years and as a writer in the last year. People know who Stefanie O’Connell is- heck, even Google finally knows. Given that it’ll be at least a few years before I get married, I can’t imagine parting with my last name.
you go girl. rock your o’connell!!!
I love this, because I have actually been thinking a lot about this lately. I am not the biggest fan of my last name, but it is MY name, and it is who I am. A and I are not legally married, however we have been together for a decade, have built a life together, and we have different last names, I like that we can be partners but still be our own person. If/when we get married I do not see a reason to change my last name legally.
However, who knows I might take his just for the convenience, I tried to pick up his contacts the other day and I could not because my credit card had a different last name then his file haha
it’s definitely an interesting debate: the maiden name vs the husband’s last name. it’s also, surprisingly, geographical and cultural. when a friend of mine got married (she was american, he was european), he was absolutely horrified when she said she needed to figure out how to change her last name to his. he said it was not customary in his culture and that absolutely positively most definitely women retain their maiden name. he was shocked with our convention.
I can only imagine that brawl in front of city hall, lol! I say whatever floats your boat! I personally took on my husband’s last name, because I wanted our family to be like my family when I grew up… everyone under the same roof had the same last name. I did keep my maiden name, however, not for the same reason as you. I grew up without a middle name(I mean really mom and dad, it wasn’t like Michell was that hard to come up with), lol! Anywho, because I’ve always wanted a middle name, after marriage I changed my name to Michell Flemming-Pulliam. I happen to love all the m’s and l’s, don’t you! LOL!
michell, you have a great name! i totally respect people who want the family unit to have one family name. and i agree, it may be a little odd that i have a different last name than my child, but luckily it is also common here in the san francisco bay area where women retain their maiden names. but it’s all about what feels right to a woman and what she identifies with. if she wants to keep her maiden name, then that should be her right.
This reminds me of an interesting conversation I had with my nephew, age 6. My brother, his dad, has the last name Carney. My sister-in-law kept her maiden name which is Garvey. Both of my nephews have the name Carney. The six year old got a couple of dolls for Christmas last year – a girl and a boy. He introduced me to each of the dolls, giving their complete names – first , middle and last. I noted that they had different last names and he explained that girls have the last name Garvey and boys have the last name Carney. It made perfect logical sense and is exactly the way it is in his family. Interesting, eh?
mo that is such a great story! i love it. it totally makes sense. mommy is a garvey because she’s female and daddy is carney because he’s male. it’s also kinda funny that your brother married someone with a similar last name.
I suggested that my husband and I combine our two names into one new one, but he didn’t go for that. So I took his name, but gave my daughter my maiden name as her middle name. I didn’t do that for my son – I think it had something to do with the fact that he was a boy. My daughter hates her middle name, but I’m hoping she’ll grow to appreciate it. And I like the possibility that she will get married and still have her mother’s name.
i love that dana! in the filipino culture, all children are given their mother’s maiden name. i also hated my mother’s maiden name. it’s ‘gualberto.’ try saying that five times fast. i’m sure that my kid will hate ‘gacad’ as well. but oh well, parents aren’t supposed to be your besties. we plan on naming our kid [first name], [gacad], [barbella] and we talked about this during dinner with my parents at which point my dad said to my mom, “sorry honey,” because her maiden name gualberto is out of the picture.
I changed my last name when I got married ,but made my maiden name my middle name, so people knew it was still me. I had actually always looked forward to changing my name. And I didn’t get married until I was 39, and that didn’t change. I still felt like my own person. I just liked the symbol of us sharing a name, and I didn’t mind that it was his. My twin sister got married the same year and hasn’t changed her name yet, but plans to. Interesting topic. To each their own!
yes lynne, i definitely agree ‘to each her own.’ i do value that people want to change their last name so that everyone in the family is part of the same unit. i definitely get that. for me, however, i have a strong identity to my last name and wanted to keep it. my husband and i have agreed (hallelujah) that our kid’s middle name will be my maiden name.
I happily changed my last name when I got married as did my two sisters, but only because we hated our maiden name. I got married at 35 and I have to say it was weird to suddenly have a new name and still is. I do know of a woman who after she divorced changed her name to her mother’s maiden name. I thought that was pretty cool.
you know what’s so funny is that i spent my whole life HATING my last name ‘gacad.’ no one ever know how to pronounce it or spell it. ugh, it was such a hassle. then as i got older, i felt such a strong identity to it, that i just couldn’t part with it.
I like how you were able to keep your name and thus your identity and heritage, but also take your hubby’s name as the new you… I couldn’t wait to take my hub’s last name because mine was long arduous! And I was letting go of an old me… My mom on the other hand kept her second husband’s last name (my dad was number there but not for very long). Her second husband passed away in his sleep after 12 years of marriage.
lisa, it is funny because i really disliked my last name pretty much my whole entire life. then when it came time for me to get married and change it, i was so adamant i wanted to keep it. life is so funny like that.
Excellent post. I’m now married for the second time and have always kept my maiden name. I really just never saw the point in changing it. My first husband was very supportive of that decision and encouraged me to keep my name. My second…well, at City Hall he let out a sigh and said, “well I guess you made your decision” when we did the paperwork and I kept my name.
Honestly, it made me want to keep it even more. It’s MY name.
I stopped by from SITS, had to click on your post because it was similar to a subject I was exploring this week too. This naming business is all sorts of complicated.
hi jenny, thanks for stopping by. i agree, a name is not something to be taken lightly. if it’s important to you / us, then we are entitled to retain it. at least your second husband was resigned to your wishes, whereas mine had a big stink about it. oh well, haha, so is life!
Very interesting topic, Catherine. Bryan and I have discussed it and I told him I wouldn’t mind hyphenating my name but that makes things unnecessarily complicated. And you’re absolutely right. At this point, I’ve gone through life for 35 years with my first and last name intact. It’s just… something I guess I need to think about more in depth.
Bryan is like Dean and a bit more old fashioned where that is concerned. I think he would be hurt if I didn’t take his last name on.
dean is so conservative that if he could have, he probably would have had a cattle brander at the wedding to mark my hyde. i mean seriously. the longer he lives in san francisco, however, the less conservative he gets…plus we get into a lot of debates so his thinking starts to shift as time goes on. he always says, “i’m not a hypocrite, i am just changing my mind as i evaluate new information.”
I was not at all attached to my maiden name. Not even a little, so I was happy to take my husband’s name. Plus, because I got married before I graduated from college, my married name was the name on my degree, it’s my name on just about any documentation, accomplishment I have (I did have articles published under my maiden name pre-marriage). I had no emotional attachment to my maiden name, I’d rather be associated with my husband than with my father’s family, so that’s what worked for me! But I know that a lot of people do feel an emotional attachment to their own name, and I definitely support keeping it. In lots of cultures the wife doesn’t take the husband’s name, or at least it’s not the norm.
rachel, that’s right. in many cultures, the woman retains the last name and it is unheard of to take the man’s last name. i wish there were more flexibility and options versus the standard that women ought to take the man’s last name. it’s like it is unculcated from birth that a girl will get married and take her husband’s last name. that’s what i take issue with. that it’s the norm.
My story is too complicated to sum up in a comment, but I will say that I did not keep my maiden name… this time. Had hyphenated it during my 1st marriage when my husband did NOT want me to take his name (signs of trouble).
jean, i guess i should have seen it as a positive then that my husband was so damn adamant that i take his last name! it all worked itself out, but not without a lot of tears and frustration…plus that was right around the time we got married. ruh-roh. from start to finish, marriage is hard work. i’ll attest to that!
I believe names are EXTREMELY important. Our name affects who and what we are. (A form of degradation over the years has been the removal/changing of a name, whether into a number or something else.)
I took my husband’s name was because I liked it more than my birth name. When the marriage ended, I kept it. Tana Bevan was and remains a good fit.
A friend of mine had not intention of changing her name upon marriage. Her husband wanted them to have the same last name so he took hers. Years ago I worked with a woman who, when she married, created a new last name together with her husband and they both changed name.
While I wish you the best Catherine, I can’t help but wonder the long-term outcome of having capitulated on something so near & dear to who and what you are.
hi tana, thank you for stating the fact that names are extremely important. i couldn’t agree with you more, which is why i did retain my maiden name. although i changed it on the marriage certificate, that is just a form—nowhere else did i change my name. i applaud people who create a new family name or men who take a stand and take the woman’s name. i say bravo to anyone who does what’s non-traditional, but what’s important to them. thank you for your great comments.
I took my husband’s last name and decided to keep my middle name, because it’s my mom’s name. I would rather be Stephanie Lynn than Stephanie Hill for the rest of my life. No bad blood whatsoever to my Hill family, but I’m my mom’s only daughter and she gave me her name and I would never want to willingly give it away. I totally understand you feelings behind keeping your name!
yes, that’s why it should be a woman’s right to choose what name she identifies with. for me, it was also about my heritage. my husband’s heritage is european so why would i take on a last name that completely negates what my ancestry is.
I gave it up, It felt weird to do it, but I did. I think I took my hubbys name because I liked it more…lol vain I know!
i much prefer my husband’s last name, but stuck with identity and heritage vs a prettier last name. haha!
I married a peruvian who had two last names which I guess is how it goes in their country. His mothers last name was Larrea which I kinda liked. His fathers was Puppo. No f**ing way I was gonna have Puppo as my last name so I kept mine. I used Larrea as my middle name on a few things but that was it. I think changing you last name is outdated and silly. keep your name… you little vixen!
oh dazzle, it would have been perfect…dazzle puppo! that’s really interesting and how peruvians have two last names. i like larrea too 😉
Hey. Total insomnia here with this big belly. Other than the major annoyance of people not easily connecting you with your child’s name, I don’t see a reason for you to change your name (sorry, Dean). In fact, due to this reason, I would actually consider using Gacad-Barbella for a child’s last name. It actually sounds good (Schwartz-Haas sounded horrible hence why I didn’t consider it). I would think that in SF many people do the hyphenated last name for kids, no?
Forcing a wife to lose her name, if she feels it is part of her identity and/or brand, does not make her feel equal. And not to sound negative, but if a marriage ends up in divorce, it becomes an even more unfair situation for the wife who then needs to reclaim her identity/brand.
you’d think that more people would hyphenate, but i don’t really know anyone who has a hyphenated name anymore. i think they’re kinda frowned upon because they’re so long and gets complicated. we’re going to give the kid my last name as a middle name, so it will be dean jr. gacad barbella. i really hope this kid is a boy, but will be happy with a healthy child either way.
This is a really interesting topic. I know for my hubby it was really important to him that I take his last name, I don’t know if he really even understands why. I think it’s an outdated practice, and I fully support women who keep their last name or hyphenate. But in the end it wasn’t that big of a deal to me, and I do like sharing a name with him. It feels nice. But I don’t see anything wrong with woman who feel strongly about keeping their name.
i agree, stevie, i think it’s a very personal choice and should be up to the individual. for some, a name is important and for others it isn’t. but if it’s important to you, then i say, you should be able to make up your own mind as to what you want to be called. that’s how it was for me.
Such a hot topic!! I did change my name. Twice. At the time, that’s what I really wanted, but if I had it to do again, I would probably not change it the second time. Just because I like my maiden name and changing it was a hassle. We aren’t having kids and I didn’t do anything major in my maiden name so that wasn’t a sticking point. I like the way you did it. No one should give up their name unwillingly.
I did, and I never really could explain why. He was totally ok with me NOT doing it. I was ready for a change, I guess.
I took his last name and made my maiden name my middle name. I regret not giving either of my children my maiden name as their middle name.