Jesus cried out on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” Are you feeling that way with another mass shooting of school children?
Catholics sing these words during the Lenten season, leading up to Easter. While the words reenact a religious historical moment, it never had any significance for me until I felt abandoned by God when I needed him most.
Five years ago, Dean and I went to the hospital to discuss the next steps in our hopes to have a child. We struggled to conceive and planned on trying a few more inseminations before considering other options, like IVF. The reproductive endocrinologist thought it was best to see where I was in my cycle by doing an ultrasound, at which point we were all shocked to find a baby with a flickering heartbeat. It was our tiny miracle baby–conceived naturally despite our fertility issues.
When we returned the following week for a checkup, the doctor quickly shook his head, apologized and left the room. We never understood what happened. Had the baby not grown? Was there no more heartbeat? When I pressed the doctor later for more details, he said that I could try supplementing with progesterone to salvage the pregnancy although he cautioned that the situation was grim. I was optimistic. This meant that all was not lost. Plus I had God on my side.
Twice a day I loaded up on progesterone. I prayed fervently. Our friends and family, our priests and congregations prayed along with us. God would not fail me. How could he turn away from someone like me who had been faithful my whole life? While others dismissed religion, I embraced it because God had always been my ally. He kept me and my family safe. I was grateful for and lived a full, happy life. He would most certainly take care of my baby. God would not grant me a miracle, only to take it away!
My faith did not waver.
I will never understand, but God took my baby from me when I miscarried on Mothers Day in 2013. I was a sobbing, mother-no-longer who questioned, for the first time, everything about my faith and religion. In times of need, I had always turned to God. But where was he? He’d been AWOL when I called out to him. I had known God to answer prayers, but when I needed him most, he had utterly abandoned me.
I was mad at God for a long time. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. If he didn’t answer my prayers when I needed him, why would I keep up my end of the relationship?
Eventually I returned to faith and prayer, not because of some enlightenment on my part, but because it was all I knew. God giveth and he taketh away. I don’t know why. There are no answers. I imagine Jesus felt the same way, dying on the crucifix, asking why must it be this way? When we sing, “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me,” I want to say, Jesus I feel you! I hurt just like you.
We all know death, but it’s especially heart-breaking when it’s sudden and senseless and takes away our youth, our future.
Easter is the defining moment of our faith–that there is life after death. Maybe this is what God is trying to teach me. Instead of simply reciting prayers, to genuinely draw strength from my faith. To truly believe in the spirit of Easter, that there is hope after despair. I had taken religion for granted because I had never truly suffered. It’s easy to draw on one’s faith when others are the ones in pain, but not when your own babies are dying.
I am still traumatized by the two miscarriages I experienced. But I am comforted that we will meet again. That is the core of my religious beliefs.
Today we are in pain for the loss of life. I pray for the victims, their families, and all those who are grieving. May we find peace, whether through inner strength, the embrace of others, faith or God’s love.
Savvy Working Gal
Only 5 weeks to go. That is wonderful. And Happy Easter to you too.
JAnine Huldie
Happy Easter and I am with you we must never give up on our faith (I am catholic, too), because I always believe that there will be better around the corner if we just have faith.
CK
Thank you for sharing your experiences. This was a really powerful post and testament to faith.
Tamara
What a powerful post. Your message is clear about your faith.
Happy Easter to you! I can’t wait to see photos of that beautiful baby.
Kristy Alexander
Wow Catherine, what a beautiful honest post. I have a friend who talks about a dark time in her life and her relationship with God during that time. She says “I wasn’t divorcing God but he was sleeping on the f**king couch.” I have the feeling you can relate.
Happy anniversary on becoming a mother. And have a meaningful wonderful Easter.
Catherine short
Thank you so much for writing this. I to wonder if this is my time to suffer (currently 15 months into trying to conceive)… to relate better to others. Congratulations and prayers for a beautiful new baby!
Michelle
You had me so nervous…I was almost in tears before I started to read your post so nervous about what you were going to say. 5 more weeks…I can’t wait to see pictures!
Gracielle
That’s an amazing story to see that you pulled through and found faith in God after 2 miscarriages. That was truly a test of faith. Happy Easter to you! And 5 more weeks…EEKK so close, how exciting!!!
REa
I loved reading this post Catherine! You enlightened me with your faith and thank you for sharing your pain with us so that we may also know how you were able to overcome. God bless on your pregnancy and I’m excited to see your baby! 🙂
Karen
Thank you for sharing your faith and experience. Lovely post. Happy Easter to you and your family.
Roaen
Loved reading this post. So touching, especially since I know that feeling. It’s true that your faith gets tested most when you’re going through hardships and loss. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.
inTHEMIDDLE
So beautifully written! Thank you for sharing. Hope your feeling well and happy Easter friend!
AwesomelyOZ
Very beautiful post Catherine and so happy that you will be blessed with your bundle of joy in 5 weeks!! The joy will remind you that it was all worth it 😀 Have a great and happy Easter! -Iva
Joanne Viola
Having miscarried as well, I have often said to my son (now 26 yo), “I would not have missed out on the joy of him for anything!” The loss made the gain even more precious. May God keep His hand upon your faith & the life of your baby. May you have a happy & healthy delivery. Have a blessed Easter!
Angie
Wonderfully written – I’m sure this will help many women.
I have a series on my blog called: “Living a Childless Life” – here is one of the posts:
http://www.godsgrowinggarden.com/2014/03/living-childless-life-dealing-with.html
I found you on the SITS sharefest.
Thanks & Happy Easter.
Angie
Heather
Thank you for this post. Your faith has really been tested and you have come out of it stronger. I have also been though five years of infertility but did not suffer loss like this, I can’t even imagine how devastating it must have been.
Leslie
What a heartbreaking experience. Yet, at the end it sounds like good has prevailed. I used to be bothered by that phrase from the passion, but once I learned about its connection to psalm 22 it made a lot more sense. It’s all a good reminder that He’s always there for us – even at the worst of times.
Katie @ pick any two
Beautiful post. My family is in a dark place right now, as we recently lost my 19-year-old sister-in-law. Even though it feels like God has abandoned us, we are choosing to believe that, even in the midst of tragedy, we can trust Him no matter what.
Visiting from the SITS Sharefest!
aNDRE Waldron
Great piece! There are many times when, in our own flesh, we feel as if God has totally abandoned us. But he never leaves us nor forsakes us.
Thank you for your reminder of this fact and Happy Easter!
Gabriella L.
This post touched me on so many levels. It reminded me that we must continue to have faith even when we don’t understand or just can not picture in our minds how things will work out. This Easter I am celebrating with my little blessing, and you are right…it’s so much more than bunny rabbits and eggs. Thank you so much for sharing this post. Happy Easter and congratulations on your little blessing.
Dana
How well I remember the first post I ever read on your blog, Catherine. It was a SITS Sharefest and you wrote about your first miscarriage. Almost a year later, I am so thankful that you are in a better place. Thank you for letting us share this journey with you! Happy Easter to you and yours.
Britt@MyOwnBalance
Happy Easter Catherine! I wish you the best for the last few weeks of your pregnancy and I hope you and your baby are healthy!
Stefanie @ The Broke and Beautiful Life
I don’t believe in God, but I do think that faith tied to action is a powerful thing and I’m glad it’s produced such a beautiful thing for you!
Charlotte
Awwww, Catherine 🙁 It hurts me to know that you have endured two miscarriages in the past and I imagine that it would make this pregnancy a bit more daunting for you. But I love that you have put your faith in to something that makes each day a bit brighter. Because that’s what faith is all about right? Finding comfort and peace on the days when the light has gone.
I am so happy to hear that through it all, you have kept your eternal optimism and beautiful outlook on life. Wishing, hoping, and praying for you in the weeks ahead–my goodness, baby is just within reach! XOXO and happy (belated!) Easter.
Michell
How beautiful Catherine…what a wonderful testimony of your faith in God!! I’ve missed you my friend! So excited for you and your husband! Can’t believe it’s that time already(time sure does fly)! Praying for your continued successful pregnancy and an easy and quick delivery! And of course a beautiful, healthy baby! Continued blessings my friend!!
Andrea
I read this the day it was posted, but didn’t have an opportunity to comment. I love, love, love this post. It was a great reminder of the true reason for Easter (not bunnies). This post also let us experience your faith. Good deal my friend. I’m ready for the healthy baby to arrive!
Stephanie
Beautifully written. Job 1:21 is one of my favorite scriptures and tattooed on my arm as a reminder that no matter what, God is still good. He blessed us with babies that were gone much too soon, but through all of the crap, He is still good.
Praying for your family during your last few weeks of pregnancy!
Yvonne Chase
God is faithful!
femmefrugality
This is so beautifully written. “I had taken religion for granted because I had never truly suffered.” Reminds me strongly of the story of Job. There is a special place in heaven for people who have suffered and kept their faith in all that is good and holy. I’m sure you will be there. And have all three of your children with you. I am so sorry for both your losses. I hope this baby is healthy and safely in your arms soon!
Cristina
❤️