This quote came through my Twitter feed this morning and I just wanted to say Hells to the Yeah.
I can’t remember a time in my life being this stressful. If I were a celebrity, I’d check myself into a treatment center to deal with off-the-chart anxiety. A few weeks ago, we were rear-ended. Then I got sick. Last week, our 2-bedroom, 2-bath home which wasn’t even that big to begin with flooded. We are now essentially squeezed into a 1-bedroom place.
So with that backdrop in addition to being new sleep-deprived parents, Dean and I have been at each others’ throats. This is real, like Real Housewives kind of drama as we increasingly became frustrated with each other and the yelling escalated.
I write this because I’m so tired of all the personal blogs that never talk about the negative. That’s not reality! It ain’t all weekend getaways and wine country and fancy things. Life has ups and downs, and right now we are really down.
I love this quote because even though women are more independent these days, there are still so many women who are dependent on their husbands. I did a rough mental survey of my friends. If all of our husbands left us today, I’d say about 25% of my friends would be on the street. My statistics are skewed because I tend to have ambitious, career-oriented friends who went to grad school. But even then, about 25% of my friends would be penniless without their husbands. Isn’t that outrageous?
I love my husband, but I don’t financially need him. That’s coming from a place of female empowerment. I came into our marriage with my own skills, with my own savings and financial security, and if he wanted to bolt, I could go it alone…no problemo.
The past few days I’ve been asking friends, “Do you fight with your husband? Like really fight?” No one seems to talk about it so sometimes I think Dean and I are the only couple in the world who fights.
I’m here to blog about reality. For realz. It’s not all roses!
Amen to that Catherine and trust me as much as I love Kevin, we do fight. And you are right kids definitely add a new layer to that, especially when you are sleep deprived. Also, I am with you and never more proud to say that financially I pull my weight and then some around here and wouldn’t have it any other way. Thank you for being real about this!
Nope, it’s not all roses. And anyone who says it is – well, they are lying.
Our family lives quite well on one income. My husband makes the salary, but I’m not apologizing for that, and I’m certainly not less important than he is, or than any woman who brings home the bacon. If he left me (or I left him) and I needed to get a job, I would. But as a married couple, I contribute just as much as he does to our family.
Amen. And you will most likely come out stronger from this. And I’m so sorry about the stress. I keep saying that if I were rich, I’d do something about my anxiety. Something like a week at a spa with no kids! (*although I’d miss them)
haha you shoulda roomed right next to us.. we were fighting all night. whenever we’re on “vacation,” we tend to bicker and fight even more than we normally do.. which is already a lot. i personally find nothing wrong with it. i think people think that if you fight you’re in a doomed relationship, but we like to embrace it. 🙂 i don’t know how people don’t fight!
I feel like I was here weeks ago, and months ago, and especially a year ago when I was still in grad school (and working). it’s real life and real marriage.. it happens. I get so annoyed with people when they act like they never fight with their spouse and that marriage is supposed to be all lovey dovey all. the. time.
(ps. not sure why, but the SWERVE button is coming out of the left column and covering a good chunk of your last paragraph. 🙁 )
Sometimes I get disheartened because my own relationship seems like a constant rollarcoaster while other people are so steady. Trust me, we fight.
Someone very close to me has never lived on her own and has only ever been out of the parents house due to being with a man. I personally would probably be broke as a joke but I can and have supported myself alone. I take a lot of pride in the fact that I lived alone as an adult for a while and I feel sort of bad about not contributing as much to the household as my husband so I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I didn’t contribute anything. That’s me, but I do realize that every one and every relationship is different. We don’t fight (I still can’t figure out how that is possible) but everything is absolutely NOT always perfect.
Updated to add that I fully believe anyone with a child gets a pass in my book if they so choose! Being a mom is work. It would be weird for me to wrap my head around not contributing financially but I honestly don’t know if I’d be up for handling two jobs the way you do. You are a rock star.
My bf and I fight like FIGHT at most once a month or every other month. We like to though – things come out, there’s make up sex. It’s as though all the frustrations for the month get released. We’re a special case though. It’s common and esp with a new baby, it happens more frequently than not. My best friend and her husband were newlyweds with a newborn and they would fight constantly, it took about a year for things to stabilize. You will both get there – just take a moment to yourself when needed and think before you speak. Have a great one Catherine and you’re not alone! -Iva
Been there, been there, been there! You are right. Marriage is not all roses all the time but after 10 years of marriage I will say, “Don’t give up!” Here are some things I have learned along the way.
1.Listen to yourself.
If you were to see your fight acted out on a big screen wouldn’t you be horrified? I know I would be TOTALLY embarrassed by some of the things I saw and do when I’m in a fight. Over the years I’ve really worked at biting my tongue. I usually regret most of what I say anyway! When I cool down, I’m much better at seeing my motive and expressing what the real issue is.
2. Evaluate the REAL issue.
Almost NEVER is the clothes on the floor the REAL issue. It is the tip of the iceberg that set me off.
3. ****Big One****
Listen to your arguments.
What do you always seem to fight about? For us it always seemed to be a few specific things. Realize what we argue about is something that one of us values highly and the other one doesn’t understand that need well yet.
Example: I’ve worked all day on a project and neglected to clean up the house and tiny the entryway. He walks in and starts getting upset about the areas that aren’t clean. He blows us, I shut down and the rest of the night we are in separate areas of the house just being mad.
Later on we talked and I came to realize he needs a clean environment in order to have mental peace and calm. I’m not helping by having everything cluttered. He likes order and my disorder is really bothering him. We took a while to work through things and it helps me now to better understand him.
4. Baby changes EVERYTHING!!
I can’t tell you how much I under estimated that 7lbs 15oz disruption and bundle of joy!! All in one neat package!!
If you have never read “The Five Love Languages.” I suggest you do. It should be required when anyone get a marriage license!!
My husband’s love language is quality time and that went right out the window when Baby came along. So we began having new arguments about my time, his time, and how we never did anything together anymore. After sorting through alot of things it helped me to see I needed to be creative about spending time with my husband even while being a Mom and Wife.
5. I’m sorry.
These I believe are the most important words you will EVER say to repair your marriage. Say them often.
6. I will be happy.
Have you ever seen those old couples sitting down to eat someplace and they never talk to each other, the both look grumpy and they look at everyone else except each other? It struck me that I never want to have that marriage! It’s in my hands. Or words mostly! I will do what it takes to make my marriage happy and then I will be happy. I will work on my marriage because I made the choice in the first place to say, “Yes.” I will work to keep saying ,”Yes, til death do us part.” It’s worth it!!
Oh, hugs to you Catherine!!! I know you didn’t ask for a book, but I have been there and I know it can be hard but don’t let it get you down!!
Oh, hi. Have you met me? (well maybe not in person, but you know…) 🙂 I don’t EVER believe in sweeping things under the rug and pretending that life is unicorns and glitter. Because it’s just not and that’s life.
Obviously we all have our difficult struggles and our relationship is peaks and valleys. And sometimes it’s REALLY hard to get through those valleys. Bryan and I are in a bit of a tough spot too but it’s stress related because our financial situations are so unstable right now. I don’t know why people are so embarrassed to discuss these things openly–it helps! Goodness, if I didn’t have a gaggle of girlfriends to kvetsch with every now and then, I don’t know how I would make it through the darkest moments.
You guys will be okay. Right now sucks a lot and obviously tensions are high, but you have been through a lot and you’ll make it through this, too. And anyone who says their relationship is perfect is lying, LOL.
XOXO