I was reading an article in Money magazine that posed the question, ‘How much should you help your adult kids?’ I was appalled at the real-world situations that were featured. Most of the parents were delaying retirement as they continued to support their college-educated children. They were footing the bill for cell phones, groceries and rent.
One couple agreed to pay for an expensive design school because their daughter realized after college (which they financed) that design was what she was passionate about. Are you F*ing kidding me?
One daughter needed her parents’ continued support because, sigh, NYC is expensive. No shit Shirley. How about moving to a more affordable city rather than depleting your parents’ 401k?!
What happened to common sense? They sure didn’t teach you that in college, so why even go?
[Insert major head shakes here.]
At what point do you stop supporting your children? When they’re adults, correct? How about when they can vote at 18? Personally, I think that’s the right age. If our ancestors can withstand hard manual labor, sweeping chimneys or grazing farm land for hours on end, then it stands to reason that our educated, iPhone-loving, privileged children can financially support themselves at the age of 18. If not, then there’s a big problem!
Money may not grow on trees, but opportunity sure does. We can educate ourselves online for free. There are plenty of jobs to be had; the unemployment rate is steadily dropping.
But most importantly, children will meet whatever expectations you have of them. If they are low, then expect low performers. These are parents who have no goals set for their children. They’ll pay for college and grad school and design school and provide them with an allowance until they are ‘adult’ enough to figure it out on their own. These people will dip into their retirement while I’m sitting on the beach drinking a mimosa the day my baby Franco turns 18.
Why? Because I have high expectations that will be made crystal clear. No ambiguity, no room for error. There will be no inheritance. Mommy ain’t paying for college. Get scholarships and loans if a college education is what you want to pursue. Mommy did it. So can you. The gravy train stops at 18. And while his friends are trying to figure out which expensive college to go to because their parents are going to pay the bill, my adult Franco is going to be running cost-benefit analyses on what’s best for him.
I guess it’s not stealing when you are aware of the theft, but the way parents are raising their adult kids these days is practically criminal.
Paying for a twenty-something’s cell phone bill? Time to get Skype.
Paying for your son’s rent? Time to move home and pitch in with the chores.
Paying for anything at all? Time for your kid to get a job!
Children cite all sorts of reasons for their reliance on their parents: the poor economy, the lack of jobs, their inexperience. There’s an excuse for everything! Let’s stop enabling their lack of ambition and start promoting independence and security. It can be done, as long as you let them.
I feel bad for a parent that finds themselves in the situation but it’s their fault for enabling their children!! How can a child even do that to their parent in good conscious? I actually know of someone who is in their 30’s and has been fully supported by mom and dad who are struggling financially in her own apartment in a very expensive housing market. She eats, she travels and does all kinds of things never having had a job and has no money!!! Part of me kind of wishes I didn’t have to work either but I know I’d feel like crap leaching off the rents or anyone else so I could never do that. It’s really sad.
Oh man, don’t get me started on this. I have a SIL (Kevin’s youngest sister) sho pretty much got handed his grandmother’s house when she passed away, because she he had two kids and number 3 was on the way. N’s he and her husband couldn’t afford a house not to rent, so Kevin’s mom pays for all on this house and they live there rent free. Trust me, both Kevin and I have are issues, but can’t say a word, because it just falls on deaf ears with his mom anyways. But you are so right and definitely am with you on this completely.
Ok, I think I was over 18.. 21 or so. Embarrassing but I find it’s getting even later these days.
It’s insane!
Pusdies.
My first FT paycheck went for deposit. The second check was for first month’s rent. Paycheck #3 was for a bed. I’m not entirely sure how I acquired food.
Pussies**
I shouldn’ type annoyed comments from a phone.
Ugh major smh – my bf and I have discussed this and we’ve both agreed that when my son turns 18 he is going solo. First, we’re going to let him know by Middle School that he is responsible for his college tuition; we will ensure he has insurance and supplies for school. However, anything outside of that including activities, he will need a job for. Also, if he decides NOT to go to college he needs to get a J O B and move the F out because our house won’t be up for lease. Lol. You’re right we can’t coddle them or enable useless excuses and behavior not because as parents we don’t want to do our best to help them and support them; but because you’re doing more of an injustice to them in the long run by doing so. Wonderful topic Catherine! Have a wonderful weekend -Iva
Having a child who just hit adulthood and another one almost there, I have laid down the law with them on that. I have encouraged both to try to do things on their own. My daughter got a job on campus and my son works a three hours a day, twice a week at a job.
I grew up working (since I was 10) because I had too. My kids would whine to me about what their friends were given and I told them have them adopt you. The problem is that many parents are doing for their kids and giving them a sense of entitlement.
I read this about college “The more the parents pay, the more the kids play.” I firmly believe this.
My husband and I paid for our two children to go to college. It was something we wanted to do and feel very fortunate that we were able to. But, we made it very clear from the start that any graduate schooling was on their own dime. They both got advanced degrees and paid tuition through loans and work study. They were very grateful for our contribution and very proud of their own efforts to put themselves through grad school and secure good jobs. They pay their own bills and have since college graduation.
I recently found out that a friend of mine still has her 23 and 25 year old children on his health care plan from work even though each of these children are employed full time with large companies. I don’t get it. This friend has always been very much of a helicopter parent. I guess it’s none of my business but it is hard to keep my mouth shut!
I understand and respect your point of view, and while there is no way I am supporting my kids into their 20s, I’m not cutting them off at 18. They will have jobs while they are in college, and any loans incurred will be their own. My parents supported me through college, yet I knew that I had pull my own weight and manage my own money wisely. I was independent at age 21, and haven’t asked for a penny since. That’s the plan with my own kids. And you’ll find me napping under the beach umbrella – wake me up so I can have a mimosa with you!
My parents helped me with some funds for college, but I also had scholarship money and worked, while going to school full time and doing a college sport. And they never supported me after college. My kids all know that I am expecting them to help pay for college. How we can expect them to become self sufficient if we never teach them how to do so? All of my teenagers have ways that they earn their money, even now, and it’s not from me.