I don’t identify with the cliche “I was born to be a mom.” I thought once I’d given birth, I would feel differently, but I don’t. I was born to work: read, research, analyze, communicate, report, present, troubleshoot, manage, consult.
I’ll be the first to admit that the first 3 months of mothering have been tough. Clearly being a mother is extremely rewarding, but spending every hour of every day trying to figure out how to soothe your crying baby (with very limited help from family or sitters or nannies) was excruciating.
It’s worth noting that one time when we hired a night nanny, Franco cried the whole time, even though the night nanny said she had a solid record of babies never crying around her. After that, Dean and I agreed we would no longer hire help with the exception of the full-time nanny who is caring for Franco now that I’m back at work. The point is that even so-called baby whisperers don’t always have the answers. Sometimes it really is mom and dad who know best.
And what’s best for this mommy is working full-time.
A lot of women told me to take as much time off work as possible. I took 13 weeks off post-partum. In retrospect, I should have returned to the office sooner. I prefer the adult interaction. I am energized by being productive career-wise. I thrive on the consistent schedule—even if it means less sleep. Plus I feel lost without the paper version of the Wall Street Journal!
I feel, obviously, like an outlier as I have never heard anyone say, “I was not born to be a mom.” Or “I was born to be a worker!” It’s scary to admit that I would rather spend the majority of my day in the office rather than with my child, but it’s also liberating. I’m sure there must be other mothers out there who feel the way I do. Isn’t that all we want? To hear from others who can relate to our own experiences? Wouldn’t it have been helpful for our beloved San Francisco comedian Robin Williams to know that many of us struggle from depression or whatever demons that we have, and that no one should feel alone in this zig-zagged journey of life?
There’s no shame in being/feeling different as there is much to learn from our collective and diverse stories.
Just because I wasn’t born to be a mom, doesn’t mean I won’t be a good mother. I have no doubt I will be, mainly because I myself was raised by a great mother. But also because I’m doing what I need to do to be my best self.
Janine Huldie
Catherine, I will tell you that I always wanted to be a mom, but after I had Emma, who had colic, I truly felt so out of my leaguer for months after and even now I will have moments wondering am I doing this ok and right. Trust me you truly aren’t alone and I think as moms we all have thoughts like this from time to time, but yet we stil wouldn’t trade being a mom for the world when all is said and done.
Lynne Childress
Thank you for your honesty and for sharing!! I believe that everything that you are doing the best thing for you and your spirit as you work, and that is the best thing for your boy, as he feeds off of that. And also, you are right: you know what’s best, even when you are learning it on the fly He is yours and you are his and you and him and God will figure it out. I love reading your posts.
Ana
Cathy,
Your honesty is one kept in silence by many women. And your honesty is one that also tends to divide the female species from eachother. I love your sentence about how you were born to “research, analyze, report, manage, present, and consult.” If I may share, as your child grows older you will find yourself exercising these skills continuously; as their early life will be one of the most important projects you will manage. Unlike an annual review, or budget report , you will not know how things are going immediately. Instead, we must wait and pray that our son or daughter’s character is one they and us will be proud of. Be your best self, that is all Franco wishes of you 🙂
Tamara
I never really thought about if I wanted to be a mom or if I was born to be a mom. I guess I always wanted this. And I will admit that I have flourished under it and discovered parts of myself I never knew. However, if not for parenting, surely this could have happened another way? Some people can’t have children and have fulfilling lives.
A lot to think about!
It’s wonderful that you know what you want and you get it.
For me, being in an office setting would kill me, but I know how to find where it is I want to be. Just like you!
Savvy
I don’t have children, so can’t comment from my own experience. But I do now more than one mom that couldn’t wait to get back to work. They missed the structure, adult interaction and their job. Plus, they wanted to find all their former office supplies their co-workers took while they were gone – like their chair.
Patrick Weseman
Going to say that by you being you is the best thing for Franco. I dropped off my daughter at college last week. She told me that she was glad that I am me and she liked and respected me for who I am.
I know many people who changed their whole being after they had a kid and they expected a payback when the kid got older. Then when didn’t happen they became resentful and did guilt trips on the kid by saying “I changed for and now you owe me”.
I didn’t really change and by changing my core self, I never put an unfair expectation on both my kids.
Michelle
I stayed home for a long time, but I found I had to do something with myself. I ended up working out of the house and that turned out to be the best thing for me. You have to do what is best for you!
AwesomelyOZ
I agree 100% – I’m definitely not born to be a mother and prefer to be working. I doubt I’ll ever get the need to retire, I’ll probably be forced into it. I like feeling productive, useful, and as though I’m contributing something to society. I also agree that I am a good mother, it took me a while to get to a point where I could say that but if you don’t give yourself credit, no one will. Enjoy your paper edition WSJ! Have a great one Catherine -Iva 🙂
Dana
I don’t like the phrase “born to be a mother” anyway. Who really is? We learn as we go along, and we love our children unconditionally. And we take care of ourselves so that we can be good mothers – whether that means working or doing something else that nourishes us. I appreciate your honesty, Catherine!
Kate
You know what is best for you and your family- sounds like you figured it out sooner than most. Good job!
InTheMiddle
Love your honesty!! There is nothing better you can do for your child than to be the best you can be!
Mo at Mocadeaux
Every mom should follow your lead and take the path that feels right to them. And society should support whichever path each mom chooses. A happy and fulfilled mom is a great and successful mom!
cece @Pink Sunshine
Love this! There are certain bloggers that you know are going to be real about pregnancy, motherhood etc and give you the real deal. I pegged you as one of those bloggers from the start. I’m not a mom so I should probably shut up but it annoys me to no end when people literally disappear into their children. Some want to, others don’t know how to do anything else and then there are others who realize that they are not their child and that they should still maintain their own identity. If I ever have kids that would be my goal.
Roaen
I think everyone at some point feels this way – that they weren’t born to be a mom. I will say that working makes me a better mom in so many ways that I can’t possibly sum up in a short blog comment. But then again, being a working mom is also a source of stress sometimes, but what isnt?
Femme @ femmefrugality
Bravo! I don’t know if you went through post partum depression or not, but I’m a firm believer that a major contributor to it is that there aren’t enough honest stories told to expectant mothers. You are culturally trained that you will have this Hallmark feeling the second your child is born and you will automatically know what to do via intuition. That isn’t always the case, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Good for you for recognizing what you need to do to be the best you for you and your child. I thought I’d be a great mom… I’ve always been great with kids. But being a mom is a whole other ball game. I struggle sometimes, but if we were all honest, I think we’d be surprised to find that everybody does, no matter how things look from the outside.
Britt@MyOwnBalance
Great post Catherine! I applaud your bravery for going out there and saying what other mothers might be hesitant to admit. Nothing in this post says you don’t love your son, in fact, it screams that you do because you want to do what is going to be best for your entire family. I completely agree that other mothers need to know that they are not alone and not every single woman is meant to stay home with her child.
Glad you are enjoying being back at work!
Tanya M @ Mom's Small Victories
I worked full time for the first 12 years of motherhood. I always assumed I would. My mom was a working mom and professional and my parents always taught me the importance of being able to support my family with my job should I need to. Well my full time employment lasted until I had 3 boys, a stressful job that impacted my health and I quit to stay home. Days surely aren’t easybut since my youngest is 4, we are able to do fun things together. Everyone has to make the best choice for themselves and what works for you today may be different tomorrow. You never know anf that’s the beauty of it, we are allowed to change our minds. 🙂
Stefanie @ The Broke and Beautiful Life
I have a feeling I’m going to be the same way. My mother worked full time during my childhood but she was also the most present person at every event, concert, meet, recital, etc. I think she knew what balance she needed and it worked for all of us!