Money Monday: How Soon Can I Retire?

Did anyone see in the news that Bruno Mars’s Filipino mom died of a brain aneurysm…at the age of 55?! She was a dancer so I have to believe she was fit and otherwise healthy. When I hear about people who die long before they should, it makes me think of my financial well-being and wonder, how soon can I fucking retire?!

Let’s state the facts.

We’re not going to retire early by earning 85 basis points on our savings.

And let’s be real, no one gets rich by putting all their piddly money in the stock market, even if it earns double-digit returns for the next 20 years.

And before you homeowners jump in, let me give you a virtual smack in the head and tell you factually that owning a house does not automatically guarantee you wealth. It can very easily be a wealth diminisher, as we have seen so recently. I think homeowners are a lot like small business owners who are overconfident and don’t think about the worst case scenarios. Let me give you one: HOUSING BUBBLE!

Who do we know who’s rich so we can follow in their footsteps?

Doctors? My uncle, a brain surgeon who owns a mansion in Hillsborough with a pool and a tennis court, worked hard for his money. And he didn’t retire early. Do you know any doctors who retire early?

Lawyers? Ummm, you kinda have to make partner first. How do you spell PAINFUL.

Bankers, consultants, you name it. I really don’t see hard-working, ambitious professionals coming any closer to retirement than a chimney sweeper.

Entrepreneurs? Know anyone who has cracked the code? Not I.

You know who’s wealthy?

Business owners, like the Indian man who owns the Jack in the Crack on Geary and Mason. Jack-in-the-Box is my fast food chain of choice and I have to say I was really impressed during one visit with how the store owner handled the raucous crowd and also how he managed his staff. It was obvious he was a really good manager.

But really any successful business owner who isn’t peddling their goods on Etsy.

Landlords are wealthy. I said landlords, not homeowners. Slumlords who collect rent and make minimal improvements. Cha-ching! We all need to pool our money and become investors in multi-unit properties. Who’s with me?

What professions am I missing? Who can we emulate? We can always move to Florida and retire now.