I wish I had one tangible thing to remember my baby: a monogrammed rattle, a lock of shiny black hair, a fleshy baby tooth. I wish there were a way I could go back in time and ask the doctor to provide me with a picture of the baby’s first ultrasound with its heartbeat flashing on the screen.
Isn’t it strange how we take pictures of our pets, or frame the local newspaper with the headline GIANTS SWEEP!, or even take pictures of our meals for friends on Facebook to ‘like,’ yet there’s nothing to honor our lost unborn children? No gravestone, no ashes in an urn, no place to put flowers.
When I shared the news of my miscarriage, it saddened me to think afterwards that a simple blog post is the only way the world will ever know that this special life existed. I have nothing, but the pang in my heart.
My nights are sleepless, filled with severe anxiety. I’ll bolt up in the middle of the night, after tossing and turning, as if something dreadful is about to happen—even though death has already passed by our doorstep. The feeling goes away momentarily, only to catch me unguarded in the middle of the day without a tissue to wipe away the tears.
So many of you, dear readers, have written or called to offer your support. I feel so honored to hear your stories. Know that I am taking the time to respond to each of you with the personalized attention your message deserves. It may take some time as I recuperate and take comfort in my husband’s never-ending embrace. The cries are plentiful, the heartache immense. But I know I’m not alone. We are not alone.
Thank you.
This organization, Walk to Remember, works to help women who have suffered all manners of child loss.
Although the main org is on colorado, Alta Bates sponsors a vigil walk in October in Piedmont.
http://www.walktoremember.org/
Michelle, this is so helpful. Thank you for this.
oh sweet one. i am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much, Aimee.
Praying for you.
I am so uplifted by your support. Thank you for your prayers.
Sorry to read of your loss Cathy.
Liam, thank you so much.
Hi Cathy, I’m sorry for your loss. I just happened to be checking my account and I saw this. It breaks my heart, but know you have my support and prayers. I’ve had friends who’ve lost a child during pregnancy and if you wanna talk whether for advice or you need a friendly ear, call me.
Hugs and love,
Roel
roel, you are so sweet. it is so good to hear from you. thank you for emailing. miss you and hope to see you and dawn real soon. xoxo, cathy
***hugs***
I remember your blog very well from the first time I visited here several months ago on your sits day.
I am so very saddened to return here today to read this news. Catherine, for all its worth… though you may not have anything tangible to remember your baby, i hope you can find comfort with how full your heart was in such a short amount of time and how much support you have from friends, family, and bloggers. I am sending you so many thoughts and prayers right now. Take all the time you need to process and heal. I can’t claim to know remotely what you are feeling, but if ever you need someone to reach out to who will listen, I am here. Xoxo
Thank you Charlotte for your touching comment and genuine support. We were in wine country this weekend, having a jolly time, when I was suddenly filled with such immense sadness at having lost my baby. I had to step away for a little bit and just have a cry. I imagine this will never go away, but will get better with time. Thank you again for your kind thoughts and prayers. They are helping.