I don’t have a son nor do I have a daughter so this post is purely theoretical, but based on my own real-life experiences. I firmly believe that parenting a son in this day and age is less anxiety-filled than parenting a daughter. Here’s why sons are superior:
A month ago, while having drinks with Dean and his friends, the topic of parenting came up—as it usually does because his friends wax on about their kids and of course, we love hearing updates. These friends both agreed that having a daughter was so special, even more special than having a son. They considered their daughters the ultimate gift. Reality set in for me as they continued to gush and I blurted out, “Why is it so special to have a daughter? So you can watch her get raped?”
Silence. Dean’s friends looked at me in shock. Dean literally put his hand around my mouth and told me to shove it. I persisted, “Of course you wouldn’t understand because you’re men.”
Cmon people. Let’s actually talk about this and not act dumb. All you have to do is pickup a newspaper and scan the headlines.
Gang Rape in India
Teen Commits Suicide After Rape
5 Year Old Raped
These are real life events that affect women. WOMEN! I’m not saying that the opposite sex isn’t also subject to assault (i.e., Jerry Sandusky), but the majority of assault cases are men against women. And many of these go unreported!
When I got lost while traveling alone in Bali, I was suddenly encircled by a band of motorcyclists jeering at me. My only saving grace was a local woman who whistled for me and pointed me in the direction of my hotel.
In Istanbul, there was a man who pinched my butt on the train. In Africa, I ultimately came out unharmed, but got embroiled in such a horrible situation that I won’t even speak of it. I literally shut down when I think of the memory.
You can say, those are risks I take for traveling abroad. But no, harassment can happen in your own backyard. I was either in high school or home from college. A friend of my dad’s stopped by. I let him in the house because he was a good family friend. I asked where his wife was and he said she was sitting in the car. He then started to tell me how pretty I was and maybe he could take me out to lunch sometime. I mean, SICK! He handed me his business card, then next came his face crashing into mine as he swiped a kiss and told me to call him sometime. This was a good family friend, in his fifties, Japanese, with his wife sitting in the car outside, a man who had full-grown daughters of his own! I make mention of his ethnicity because the Japanese are known for being a respectful culture and here was this man/father taking advantage of a teenager!
Am I making myself clear? Men wouldn’t understand because they’ve never been subjected to the amount of sexual disrespect women get all the time. Am I biased? No, because Dean and I want a healthy child no matter what sex. Am I sexist? If being fearful for the female sex is sexist, then I guess I’m sexist. Am I correct? Yes. Given what has happened lately with the number of incidents of women being raped, given my own personal experiences, I am freaked out for young women out there. I fear for them and I’m concerned for the mothers who have to parent them. What are we going to do? What can we do? Lock our daughters in their rooms?
What a scary world out there. Be on guard, women.
As a mother of a son, my challenge is to raise him to combat this. Not to be able to deal with women who resist his advances, but to respect them enough to know what “no” means. To respect them like he would anyone else. MORE. And not to take away from the power of your beautiful post, because it is powerful, I often have the same concerns about raising a young black man that you raise about having a daughter. That he would be pigeonholed and misunderstood. May we all raise people who have respect for others’ value, and in turn, for themselves. Thank you.
Lynne, one of my best friends is black and he always has an interesting perspective having grown up in Oakland, yet persevering to go to the best schools and become a lawyer. I am pretty sure he would have the same concerns you have about raising your son, as he has about raising his twin sons. Which brings me to my point about raising our children to be respectful of the other sex, respectful of other races, and that really comes from the parents and how we interact with each other, who our friends are.
I think if sons are raised in a manner that teaches them to honour and respect women, there would be far less sexual disrespect. However, it isn’t the “good” guys raping, threatening, etc. Perhaps every mother of girls should require themselves and their daughters to take some type of self-defence course. Good post
Barbara, I agree with you. If, God willing, I have a child and he happens to be a boy, I am going to make sure he understands what is right and wrong and to be very sensitive to the opposite sex. I don’t want to be a parent who doesn’t talk about the issues. When these incidents come up, I’m going to sit my son down and say, “Look at what is happening in the world today. What do you think about this? What could have been done? What can you learn from these news stories?”
If I was to have a boy I would be just as worried about him being molested as a child as I would be about my daughter being molested. Little boys are just as vulnerable to molestation as are little girl and little boys are less likely to report it as children and deal with it constructively, through therapy, as adults. Hence, the damage to their psyche may be greater. Yes, it is a scary world out there, especially if you are a woman. But, the attitude that woman need to be vigilant and boys will be boys (so no need to worry about them) is the reason a lot of the horrific events you are describing in this post happen. The only way to end this is to teach our sons that this is not ok. Unfortunately, many societies around the world are far from reaching this conclusion. Therefore, the problem persists.
Paulin, I agree that the most important thing is to educate our children, boys and girls. The subject is taboo so no one wants to talk about it, yet we are seeing these everyday stories of teenaged girls having too much to drink and their own peers/classmates taking advantage of them. We need to be blunt and up-front and spell out the scenarios, tell our sons, in no way, shape, or form is it ok for you to disrespect a woman, especially if she is incapacitated.
Happy SITS Day! This post caught my eye because I’ve always wanted a boy more than a girl. I mean I would love my child no matter what sex they turn out to be, but I definitely think raising a boy would be easier for me. I have lots of reasons for that, and what you’ve spoken of here wasn’t even one of them. I never even thought about it this way. Now that you’ve helped me connect the dots I want to have a boy even more!
Frozen OJ, thank you for stopping by. I am also PCOS and trying. I will think good thoughts for you during this journey.
I am thankful every day that I have two boys. Now that we’re getting ready for school, I talk to them all the time about treating people nicely, about telling people to treat them well, and to step in for someone else if they’re being mistreated. In this age of bullying and harassment, I am so thankful I didn’t have girls. 🙂
Erin, thank you so much for your email. I feel some people didn’t understand my point, but you got it exactly. And you are mothering your sons the way I would if I were so blessed. Treat everyone with respect and be a leader by speaking up if there is an issue/problem. Thank you for reading and hope you have a great weekend!
I know many parents who are trying to raise their sons to respect women, but there are still so many that do not. Just the other day at work a male co-worker made a joke about my husband raping me. I was speechless. He had never talked to me like this before. He has three children and is in his mid-thirties. Can’t imagine he is raising his boys to respect women.
That is unbelievable. Were other coworkers in the room to witness him make that remark? That is a major violation and I would consider taking that to HR. I am so shocked!