The turbulence was so bad that the seat belt light remained on for the duration of the six hour flight from SFO to JFK. Any moment now the pilot will speak on the intercom and assure us we’ve hit a bumpy patch, that he’d work on smoothing it out. That message never came. Oh please God, I don’t want to die in flight. Anywhere preferably in my sleep or in a rocking chair or at the library, but I don’t want to spiral head-first sitting in the middle aisle with my unborn child.
After a sleepless red-eye flight, I checked my pee for pregnancy. It’s a simple test. One line means not pregnant. Two lines mean pregnant. One line, only one line, still only one line, three minutes, five minutes pass. Well there goes two wasted weeks of sobriety. I thought I’d be pleased either way, but honestly, I’m more disappointed than I thought I’d be.
While I pray often, I rarely ask God to grant me a wish. Recently, however, I’ve been praying specifically to get pregnant. I did a novena which is 9 days of guided prayer in request for something. Last time I did a novena was in business school when I asked God to help me get an internship. That was 10 years ago. The last part of the novena I prayed read, “If what I ask is not for my own good and the good of others, grant me what is best, that I may build up your kingdom of love in our world.” I’ve always believed in God’s plan for me which has been a beautiful plan thus far, so I will sit tight and be grateful for what I have in this moment. Not for what the future holds, but to treasure the abundance that I currently have.
I have been up, out and about for more than 36 hours straight without rest. Sweet dreams to me.
I can relate to this frustration re: seeing only one line on the pee stick and not two lines, all too well. I am praying for you and Dean. 🙂
My best friend from the second grade never gave up; in the last decade she and her husband had five years of without conceiving (although trying diligently), then 3 consecutive miscarriages, a devastating second-trimester loss, IUI with no success, and yet another naturally conceived miscarriage. She finally gave birth to a healthy baby boy (a surprise and heartily welcomed pregnancy); my nephew just turned three years old. Their second boy is due in July.
What I am trying to say in a rambling way is that they never gave up. NEVER. They were willing to do whatever it took to have children and were in the process of adopting when they were finally blessed. My friends also prayed (and still do) all the time. When I lost my first 4 babies, I called her first, because I needed all strength, prayer, and hope I could muster.And I needed her hope as well.
You are doing the best that you can. I’m sorry that you lost those two weeks. I’ll ask her to pray for you too. We believe…