I’m no psychiatrist, but I think I’m bipolar. Last week, I had a major freak-out over something I took very seriously. I take many things very seriously. The problem is that I don’t think most normal human beings have mild breakdowns over the same things that set me off. Stupid work issues. Stupid volunteer issues. Suddenly I was depressed; I think I still am.
I don’t think I’ve evolved much emotionally from adolescence. The tears I shed over romantic crushes, friendships, even grades back then were just as intense as the tears I shed today. And I have how many years experience and perspective over my teenage self?
I can get very angry, then sobbingly sad, then tipsy in less than an hour. So not normal, right?
At least I can temper the moods by self-medicating. But when one day (out in the future, people!), I get preggers, I can no longer take my Wellbutrin. What will I do? I am going to go ape-shit! That’s what freaks me out the most. And no alcohol to calm me down after a stressful day at work? Oh no no no. That just will not work.
Hey there Cathy,
I can totally relate to this post. It took me many years of therapy (decades?) to finally be self aware and recognize how I am feeling and know how to take care of myself.
In terms of how you see the future and having a child, there are many options out there to have a successful pregnancy AND still have the medications you need. Research the types of doctors that you need (one for you and one for the bebe). Interview them, and make sure their bedside manner suits your personality, and that they have similar philosophies about your healthcare while pregnant.
I was able to switch meds (after 3 horrendous miscarriages in a row, I NEEDED meds) and stay on them through my pregnancy with B. But I surely missed the sushi and wine. Soon after her birth, my lactation consultant totally assured me that I can have a glass of wine even while nursing. Winning! Since then, I pretty much tapered off of them, though toddlers can be super challenging in their own right.
Sending you happy thoughts. And hang in there. It can only get better!
Hugs,
Cher
Cheryl, thank you so much for commenting. What a relief to hear that you can relate and that there are options during pregnancy. I very much fear post-partum depression. I suffer from that now and I haven’t birthed a child yet! I don’t feel ready to be a mother and the stress of losing my meds and alcohol was not helping my situation. But your message has made me feel much better about undertaking the process.
I ‘think’ I know what to do to take care of myself, but then I’ll go berserk for the littlest thing. I should write down in a notebook everything that makes me happy and what I can do at that moment to calm myself down, then I can refer to it. I should do that tonight!
Thank you for understanding and helping me 🙂
xoxo,
cathy