• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Catherine Gacad

  • About
  • Categories
    • Archives
    • Blogging
    • Burning Man
    • City Guides
    • Education & Politics
    • Favorite Books
    • Finances & Retirement
    • Parenthood
    • Relationships
    • Religion
    • San Francisco Bay Area
    • Travel
  • Hire Me
  • Subscribe
    • Feedburner
    • Bloglovin
    • Feedly
  • Search

All Posts

RIP Todd Crockett

A classmate of mine from business school committed suicide on Sunday.

I only knew him for a long weekend.  That was the first time I met him and the last time I saw him.  I was the one doe-eyed first year, tagging along with the second years, excited to partake in the Jazz Fest mayhem.  A few hours after landing in New Orleans, we were all shit-faced drunk on super-sized hurricanes on Bourbon Street, partying it up like MBA rockstars riddled in debt but with dreams of a financially secure future.

All of the second years were nice to me, but particularly bespectacled Todd and his crew.  They were like dorky, but lovable older brothers.  “Where are you off to?  Stay here.”  They kept a watchful eye as I snaked my way around the crowds. We clinked glasses at bar after bar.  Snacked on beignets at Cafe du Monde.  Swayed to gospel at the festival.

I was awestruck watching them crack open textbooks and HP calculators on the flight back home.  Midterms were approaching, but all I could think about was getting home and putting my drunk self to bed.  Most of those guys I never saw again.

On Monday morning a friend emailed that Todd had committed suicide.  My heart fell into the pit of my stomach.  I immediately asked if he was married with children.  I tapped my toe impatiently waiting for the response at my desk.  Please God no. Please.

He was married but had no children.  I asked for details on the memorial service–set for Friday–or a scholarship fund–one was established at his undergrad, University of New Hampshire.

I couldn’t help scouring the web for more information.  He had fallen from a high-rise in New York City.  Maybe the balcony railing had been faulty?  Maybe he had been pushed?  But no foul play was suspected.  I think this is the only instance where you wish foul play had occurred.  No alcohol, no drugs.  Maybe hallucinogens?  Please? Anything but…

No longer wanting to live.

In death, I have tried to find reason to celebrate.  The celebration of a full life.  The celebration of a short life.  Because even when life is cut short or suddenly, there’s joy in the memories.  But in suicide, there’s the harsh reality of extreme despair.

I’ve personally known two people who have killed themselves.  In 1998, a friend shot himself in the head.  This week Todd jumped 17 floors.  In the aftermath, there are so many questions, so many what-ifs.  However, in time, the hurt gives way and what emerges is the beauty.  Singing songs by the campfire.  Playing hide-and-seek in the redwood forest.  Jamming to the beat of Preservation Hall.  Stopping for a slice of pizza.  Dancing the night away at the Cat’s Meow.

Despite the sad ending, there are reasons to celebrate.

Related

Tweet
Pin
Share
0 Shares

07.29.10

Tweet
Pin
Share
0 Shares

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. mcm

    July 31, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Thanks for this, Catherine. Todd and I were pretty close and I’m trying to take solace this week in remembering what a great guy he was. I like hearing about him keeping an eye on you… and being a study dork.

    Reply
  2. Catherine

    August 1, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Michaela, I am so very sorry for your loss. Know that I was thinking of Todd and his friends and family on Friday. Take good care.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Welcome to my site, derived from an advice column I wrote while getting my MBA. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. I give helpful, opinionated advice based on my own experience and from the expertise of my extensive network. For more, click here.

Categories

  • Archives
  • Blogging
  • Burning Man
  • City Guides
  • Education & Politics
  • Favorite Books
  • Finances & Retirement
  • Parenthood
  • Relationships
  • Religion
  • San Francisco Bay Area
  • Travel

Popular Posts

  • Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother - First Thoughts
  • The Profitability of the Tiger Mother
  • The Great Egg Hunt at the Dunsmuir Hellman Historic Estate
  • How to Get to and from Alameda and San Francisco
  • Tiger Parenting and Achievement in America
  • Why Your Parenting Skills Suck
  • Am I Having a Boy or a Girl: How to Tell
  • Top of the World
  • Money Monday: I’m paying your rent or mortgage for a month
  • Christmas Rave in England

Back to top

© 2021 Catherine Gacad.