He’s Just Not That Into You

I’m no entrepreneur, but I have an MBA so I like to critique business ideas.  I actually came up with a really good business concept the other day.  You know that popular dating book from a few years back called He’s Just Not That Into You.  One of the writers from Sex and the City got tired of hearing the water cooler conversations about problematic dating.  Other women would chime in that things would be ok and of course he would call.  But he never did and so went the endless cycle of bad dates. Hence the writer’s motto and book title.  I treasured that book.  I laughed out loud.  I cried.  I related.

Ironically, I can’t say I took it to heart.  Call me egotistical, but I was sure he would call me back.  This time it was different.  This time, he really did leave his on-and-off girlfriend.  This time, he’d call me on my birthday.  This time, he’d pick up the bill and not suggest that we split it.  Yada, yada, yada.  What a fool I was. “I hope she’ll be a fool – that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”  Damn, was F.Scott spouting the truth or what.

The business idea is this–a subscription-based service where you can call in, email, or carrier-pigeon your romantic dilemma to an expert, someone you can trust or you’re willing to trust because 1) they’ve been around the block over and over like Kim Kardashian and the NFL, 2) after having been around that block, they’re happily committed.

Ok, I already hear you naysayers smirking.

You laugh, but that’s what friends are for!  Wrong-o.  Single people are tired of talking to their married or happily-committed friends.  Why?  Because those people are righteous.  Ok, I said it.  They regale you with stories of how it worked for them, how easily love fell into their lap, and they give you the step-by-step cookbook on how it can happen for you too.  As a singleton you just want to slap the fuck out of them.

As for your single friends, single people are suspicious of their single friends.  You wonder, are they really looking out for my best interests or are they trying to sabotage my relationship so we can hang out at District next Friday.

That’s where a therapist or third-party counselor comes in right?  Wrongo again.  I remember talking to my therapist about a guy I was really into.  I was really into this guy.  I mean, I started signing my name with his last name–if you catch my rabbit-boiling drift.  I told the therapist about the situation, how I hadn’t heard from him in a few days.  The therapist insisted I call.  Why shouldn’t I call?  I was entitled to a discussion, right?  Of course you should call.  What’s the worst that can happen?  Well the worst did happen because he never called me back.  Here’s the problem.  Your therapists, your psychic counselors–they don’t have any game.  In their mind, it’s all about open communication and being lovey-dovey and all is right in the world.  No! You gotta have game.  You gotta play the game.  No calling!  Geez!

Maybe you don’t need a paid subscription to have someone tell you that if he’s not calling, he sure ain’t into you.  But people have a way of twisting things in their pretty little heads.  He called me three times this week and he also wrote on my wall.  That must mean he’s interested.  Is it ok to call now?

I can’t tell you the number of times I sat with my cell phone in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other ready to respond to a sext.  Don’t do it!  DON’T DO IT!  And I didn’t want to call my friends again because I knew they would berate me again.  How cool would it have been to dial Dating 911 in my time of need.