Shut Up or Shape Up

There’s only so much a skinny girl can take.

When my friend’s wife asked, “Are you going to lose weight for the wedding?”  I took three deep breaths, then smiled and pretended I didn’t hear her.  I chalked up her extreme faux pas to sleep deprivation.  She just had a baby.  First time mommies need a break.  I get it.  She’s a sleep-deprived, retarded mother.  I let that one slide.

But today, a coworker gawked when I retrieved my Lean Cuisine from the microwave.  “I see you eating those every day.  Seems so unhealthy.”  We went on to debate the merits of my daily Lean Cuisines versus her daily homemade salads.  Now these were similar sentiments expressed recently by my friends so I’m quite used to the conversation.

Me: This takes me four minutes to radiate.

Her: My salad takes about the same amount of time.

Me: Mine costs $2.50.

Her: Mine is probably the same amount since we do grocery shopping at Costco.

Me: Mine doesn’t spoil.

Her: We use up all our groceries.  Nothing goes to waste.  Oh Catherine, you should try cooking.  It’s not that hard and it’s so much better for you.

Now listen up.  I don’t go telling people how they should live their lives.  So why is this such a debate?  Just because I’m unconventional, everyone’s gotta get in my business.  I don’t cook, capice?  If salads and home-cooked meals are so HEALTHY, why are all those people FATTER than me?  The coworker in the kitchen?  She’s got a whole lot of cushion for her hubby’s pushin.  Yeah, lady, keep up those daily zero calorie salads.  That oughta help you out.

I weigh the same weight that I did when I donned my graduation cap and gown…in high school!  That’s 17 years ago.  What 34-year-old can say that they weigh the same as they did when they posed for their first driver’s license?

If you’re thinking the reason I’m skinny is because I only eat Lean Cuisines, that is untrue.  I am the vending machine’s best customer.  Fritos, Dorritos, Cheetos…bring it. In restaurants, I always ask for the most caloric thing on the menu.  Don’t forget the french fries.  I gorge on weekends.  I eat whenever I’m hungry.  I do not starve myself.  I do not diet.  Mark my words, I also do not exercise.  The more I eat, the more weight I lose.  Trip to NYC?  Came home a few pounds lighter.  Weekend in wine country?  Lost two pounds.

This paragraph from People.com about Dancing with the Stars sums it up.  “Leading up to Monday’s season premiere, Cheryl Burke and Chad Ochocinco rehearsed in Miami, where he lives. ‘It was like being with the President,’ Burke joked of the time she spent on the Cincinnati Bengal’s home turf. ‘He’s the king of Miami. People stopped their cars to say hello. He drives around in these very bright, extravagant cars and he has a great life there.’ But his McDonald’s-heavy diet, Burke says, defies the odds. ‘I don’t know how he has a 12-pack,’ she says. ‘Seriously, he eats there every single day. Meanwhile I’m at the salad shop next door.’

I like frozen food for the logistical simplicity and the unbeatable price.  I am not unhealthy.  My future children will not starve.  I’ll never cook, but this skinny girl is happy to take your leftovers.  In the mean time, pass the Lean Cuisine.