Many years ago, I was in wine country to celebrate a friend’s upcoming nuptials. Half of us were single. The other half were newly-married. I’ll never forget what someone said as we discussed being single and being married. “I remember right before I got married, my fiance was freaking out. He became nit-picky. He suddenly hated how I talked. ‘Why do you always have to say ‘umm.’ It’s irritating. Can’t you be professional when you speak?’
She continued, “He got cold feet and started picking on me. Everyone goes through it.”
Those words are now ringing loud and clear. Shit, this engaged thing is hard. Believe me, it’s not all about wedding planning. We are still getting to know each other. I’m fiercely independent. We’re fighting, screaming, and yes, we’re heading to therapy this week. We’re taking issue with each others’ friends. He’s driven to insanity by my never-ending list of tasks. “What quotes did you get from the insurance company?” “Did you get the car checked?” “Can you please change the dead light bulbs?”
I used to enjoy the Sundays I had to myself during football season. Now, I’m painfully frustrated. Do I want a husband who spends every Sunday for a third of the year hanging out in a bar? When he talked about bringing our future kid along, I went ballistic.
In business school, there was a girl who was one year ahead of me–brilliant, bound for a consulting job with McKinsey. I asked happily, “How’s the wedding planning coming along? I want details!”
She looked at me, her face full of anxiety. “I could care less about planning a wedding. I mean, is this the guy I’m supposed to marry? That’s what we need to figure out. I just don’t know.”
I thank God that she said that to me. It makes me feel better knowing that others experienced the same thing. I want to call bullshit on anyone who says their engagement was bliss. Really? Seriously? The only known is that we love each other and we are trying to figure it out.