Relapse

You know how DJ AM Adam Goldstein died of a drug overdose and everyone was shocked because he was supposed to be drug-free. He had this clean image and now the networks have scrapped his after-school special–a documentary on “That was my horrific life on drugs, but now life is good.” Ironically, he fucking overdosed and died on us. Yet we were all surprised.

DJ AM, this is an homage to you because I relapsed on Saturday night. Although I don’t think my relapse will come as a surprise to people. I didn’t go ape shit, but I did something I said I wasn’t going to do. 13 days of detox and I pissed it down the drain with a glass of champagne and two or three…maybe four glasses of pinot noir.

It was late night, Saturday night at Marc’s loft in the Mission.

Marc: “Let’s do champagne.”

Me: “No, I’m detoxing.”

Marc: “Don’t be dumb.”

Me: Guzzle, guzzle, guzzle.

Marc has a pull that most others don’t. He gives me a look that says, “You’re full of shit. You know you’re an alcoholic so just fucking take the drink and stop being hoity-toity about it.” Marc sees through me and suddenly, I caved in. He was right. What was I doing anyway? What was I trying to prove? So I relapsed and went for it.

I’m glad I did. I realized I didn’t even like it that much. I’d rather have chocolate milk. And the next day, I was hungover and felt like crap.

So I’m back detoxing–not because I’m “supposed to be,” but because I like being sober. I like how I feel. I can do this for another 13 days. Not a fucking problem.