I went to bed in tears last night—on my boyfriend’s 40th birthday. We didn’t get in a fight. We were just off. Aloof. Disconnected.
I’ve said before that I once told my mom, “I just don’t want to end up alone.”
And she responded, “Even when you’re with someone, you can feel very alone.”
That’s how I felt last night. Disconnected and alone.
We had 7:30pm dinner reservations. The day before I had worked 18 hours. I’d slept for 2, then went back into the office at 4:30am ready for our earnings announcement. I was so tired, when the security guard asked me for my work number, I couldn’t remember it. I laughed, “Wow, gosh, you’re going to have to give me a second. I can’t think of it right now.” I worked another 11 hours before I went home for the day.
But still, I had planned to have dinner at a yummy Indian restaurant, knowing Dean’s favorite dish was chicken curry. I called ahead and asked the restaurant to end our meal with their signature dessert topped with a candle to celebrate his birthday. I got home in time to wrap his present. I’d written out a card at work in-between investor calls. I even tussled around in my closet, putting together different outfits. I wanted to look sexy. I wanted it to be a really special night for him.
But he’d misunderstood the plan and wasn’t ready. I had to go and pick him up instead of him picking me up. And when he got in the car, he complained. He’d had a bad day and couldn’t shake it. I tried to pull him out of it, but the sour mood continued the whole night. I dropped him off at home after our dinner, after he blew out his candle, after he’d opened his present and read my card…after all that, I thought, maybe I should give my matchmaker a call tomorrow. This isn’t working out.
I wanted to call someone: my mommy, my sissy, anyone who could comfort me. It was late. But even more so, I felt like, why am I that girl who is always complaining? Why can’t I just be in love? Why must there be something wrong? It’s got to be me. There must be something wrong with me.
And so I fell asleep in a puddle of tears…because forever after is never forever.