I went to bed in tears last night—on my boyfriend’s 40th birthday. We didn’t get in a fight. We were just off. Aloof. Disconnected.
I’ve said before that I once told my mom, “I just don’t want to end up alone.”
And she responded, “Even when you’re with someone, you can feel very alone.”
That’s how I felt last night. Disconnected and alone.
We had 7:30pm dinner reservations. The day before I had worked 18 hours. I’d slept for 2, then went back into the office at 4:30am ready for our earnings announcement. I was so tired, when the security guard asked me for my work number, I couldn’t remember it. I laughed, “Wow, gosh, you’re going to have to give me a second. I can’t think of it right now.” I worked another 11 hours before I went home for the day.
But still, I had planned to have dinner at a yummy Indian restaurant, knowing Dean’s favorite dish was chicken curry. I called ahead and asked the restaurant to end our meal with their signature dessert topped with a candle to celebrate his birthday. I got home in time to wrap his present. I’d written out a card at work in-between investor calls. I even tussled around in my closet, putting together different outfits. I wanted to look sexy. I wanted it to be a really special night for him.
But he’d misunderstood the plan and wasn’t ready. I had to go and pick him up instead of him picking me up. And when he got in the car, he complained. He’d had a bad day and couldn’t shake it. I tried to pull him out of it, but the sour mood continued the whole night. I dropped him off at home after our dinner, after he blew out his candle, after he’d opened his present and read my card…after all that, I thought, maybe I should give my matchmaker a call tomorrow. This isn’t working out.
I wanted to call someone: my mommy, my sissy, anyone who could comfort me. It was late. But even more so, I felt like, why am I that girl who is always complaining? Why can’t I just be in love? Why must there be something wrong? It’s got to be me. There must be something wrong with me.
And so I fell asleep in a puddle of tears…because forever after is never forever.
Anonymous
April 24, 2009 at 6:33 amI hate to say this. But if you expect everything you do together to be perfect, that you will both be on the same page every single minute that you’re together, than you are really going to be disappointed and it won’t matter who you’re with. You couldn’t possibly control the reaction that he was going to give you based on your thoughtful birthday planning efforts. It seems like if you don’t get the response that you want, than it must be some fault of yours. I’s not. You said yourself you were both exhausted. That should be enough.