You know the five stages of grief: depression, anger, bargaining, denial, acceptance?
I think I’m on stage 2: ANGER!
It’s Christmas alright? The holidays are upon us. I’m trying not to think about the fact that the guy I was blindly with all these years now has a girlfriend. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Raindrops on roses, whispers on kittens. You know what I’m saying, people?
So yesterday I went to my church’s Christmas sing-along. We started out all holy with Silent Night and O Come All Ye Faithful, then moved on to secular stuff like I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas, ending with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Everyone was so friggin nice, smiling and giving hugs. I’m the type of Catholic who goes to Mass, then skedaddles, so it was atypical of me to linger afterwards for hot chocolate and homemade cookies. The allure of sugar made me stick around.
I’m feeling good. I just came from church. I just sang a bunch of warm and fuzzy Christmas carols.
So I’m going home and this big BMW SUV is parked in my driveway! There’s no other spot for me to park in. I’ve got a bunch of groceries from shopping earlier that I need to cart out. BIG FUCKING SUV PARKED IN MY DRIVEWAY! I had to park a few blocks away (after going round and round the block). I had to cart all my groceries back to my place. I was beyond angry.
The hazards are on.
I take a deep breath. Probably one of my neighbors or a friend of neighbors just popping in for a minute. I bang on each neighbors’ door. Nope, not their car.
I’m pissed. I call San Francisco parking service to have it towed. They’re on their way.
Now, when I’ve done this in the past, they’ve never shown up in time. The cars always get away and leave before the parking people come.
I have dinner. 20 minutes elapse. Now from the time I first saw the SUV in my driveway to completing dinner, it’s been at least 35 minutes. Who knows how much longer the SUV was in the driveway prior to me arriving? Who does that? Who fucking parks in someone else’s driveway without being near or without hauling it away after 5-10 minutes?
I go into my bathroom. I look for a lipstick I don’t use anymore. Bright orange. Perfect.
I run downstairs, head toward the SUV and write in bright orange lipstick on the front windshield F U C K E R!!! And I do the same to the driver’s window.
That ought to teach them a lesson. And you know what? 20 minutes later…the car was still smack parked in my driveway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!