It hasn’t been easy. Even though I know it’s done. I’ve cut off all ties to the guy I’ve been involved with for the past three years. Completely eradicated him. Did a search and deleted him from my contacts and email at work and at home. His phone number–deleted. Defriended on Facebook.
It’s like he doesn’t exist except in my fucking head. And there he came and went, every single waking moment, I played the memories in my mind: us arguing, laughing & rough-housing in bed, him tickling me, me having just washed my hands and placing them on his stomach to warm them up, him screaming BBBURRRRR!!!! and growling.
I was doing exactly the opposite of what I believe in…thinking about someone I didn’t want in my life anymore. Out out damnit! Get thee out of my head.
I went through withdrawal, drinking heavily, popping Ambien, waking up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep.
I’ve tapped my closest friends to listen.
I need you to know the truth. I’ve been sleeping with an unavailable man for the past three years and it tore me apart. I don’t know who I was. I wasn’t myself.
The end of this has been painful and it hurts. But it’s right and it’s good.
Strange, but over the course of today, I started to feel better. I felt good at work, focused, productive. That gave me power. My boss came over several times, asking for my opinion and advice on investing for the non-profit where he sits on the board. A Burning Man friend I’ve had a crush on emailed out of the blue to ask if he could please take me out to dinner over the holidays.
Drinks with a friend warmed my heart. She held my hand, “I’ve been there. I’ve been on your side and I’ve been on his side. I used to be someone who slept with a ton of guys. I’m going to tell you something. Do you think when he’s home alone with only his thoughts and no woman around, he feels good about himself? Let me tell you something. He feels like crap. He’s an unhappy person just like I was. He’s not a good person and no one deserves to be around someone like that. I used to be like that. It’s not your fault. It’s just not your fault. I’m telling you, being away from him is the best thing in the world. You are going to call into the universe the most amazing men now. I know it.”
And just like that, my cell phone rang. It was my soul mate 🙂