oh cecilia…sorry this is long. i wrote it mainly for myself. no need to read anytime soon. save for a rainy day 😉
i was in such a rage last night. i couldn’t stop shaking and sobbing. i wanted to prove to myself that it couldn’t be true, that it wasn’t true. so i called and he picked up. of course, he would come over.
so he came over and we hooked up. i said nothing. it couldn’t be true that he was in love with some girl if he was coming over to my place and if i had just seen him the week before! i felt like my world was back to normal. all was fine. but really not fine because i feel so fragile around him. fragile in the sense that if he’s not into me, then i’m not into myself. what middle-aged girl lives her life like this? i am a smart girl who has her life together but with one negative word from him, a tepid glance…my whole world falls apart.
while he slept, i just stared at the ceiling. 2am, 3am. i was wide-awake. he’s a quick deep sleeper, vivid dreamer as well. he mumbles the conversations he must be having in his dreams. snores loudly. i crept out of bed and searched for his cell phone. i wanted to see the conversations between this girl, this love of his. it wasn’t in his jacket, four pockets, nothing but sunglasses, keys, and a stick of gum. i checked his pants nothing but his wallet. he must have left the cell phone in his car. but he had come to my place with his laptop.
i tip-toed over to my bedroom door which i had closed. i listened closely. his snores echoed rhythmically. he was sound asleep. i grabbed his laptop and headed to my bathroom. locked the door.
the laptop opened to his email inbox. i glanced quickly and saw a folder titled Dating. i clicked on it and scrolled through thousands of emails going back to 2006. my name was interspersed between many. i was still shaking, not thinking clearly. i clicked randomly on emails.
“i had so much fun with you last night.”
“can’t wait to hang out this weekend.”
so many emails, so many girls. i collected my thoughts and started with the most recent. match.com emails to and from potential suitors. then from melialani the girl he’s in love with: “nate, you said some things last night that make me realize we have some things to discuss about our relationship. i know you’re busy, please let me know when you are free so we can talk.”
the following email was from jackie: “i know i’m in LA and you’re in SF, but i know there are feelings between us. we have something that i know you don’t have with anyone else. we were meant to be together. don’t you agree?”
from sherin: “I LOVE YOU. i know i’m going to regret sending this email when i wake up tomorrow morning. but you know i love you. i want a family now and you can’t give that to me. good-bye nate.”
i stopped shaking. i felt relieved. i felt like i wasn’t the only one who’s been misled or under this man’s spell for all this time. i know these girls from his facebook. they are all smart, attractive. a partner at a prestigious PR firm, a pediatrician, the CEO of a startup, an M&A attorney. i felt a kinship with all these girls. the only difference is i knew. and knowledge is power. and finally i started to feel like myself again—not under anyone’s clutches. because while i read through those emails, i realized how wrong i was to be in love with a man like that. thank God for letting me see that. i can take that love and put it to better use now.
i crawled back into bed with him and thought, “oh what a much loved man you are.” and truly, with that knowledge, i felt love and respect for myself again.