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Sleeping with the Enemy

oh cecilia…sorry this is long. i wrote it mainly for myself. no need to read anytime soon. save for a rainy day 😉

i was in such a rage last night. i couldn’t stop shaking and sobbing. i wanted to prove to myself that it couldn’t be true, that it wasn’t true. so i called and he picked up. of course, he would come over.

so he came over and we hooked up. i said nothing. it couldn’t be true that he was in love with some girl if he was coming over to my place and if i had just seen him the week before! i felt like my world was back to normal. all was fine. but really not fine because i feel so fragile around him. fragile in the sense that if he’s not into me, then i’m not into myself. what middle-aged girl lives her life like this? i am a smart girl who has her life together but with one negative word from him, a tepid glance…my whole world falls apart.

while he slept, i just stared at the ceiling. 2am, 3am. i was wide-awake. he’s a quick deep sleeper, vivid dreamer as well. he mumbles the conversations he must be having in his dreams. snores loudly. i crept out of bed and searched for his cell phone. i wanted to see the conversations between this girl, this love of his. it wasn’t in his jacket, four pockets, nothing but sunglasses, keys, and a stick of gum. i checked his pants nothing but his wallet. he must have left the cell phone in his car. but he had come to my place with his laptop.

i tip-toed over to my bedroom door which i had closed. i listened closely. his snores echoed rhythmically. he was sound asleep. i grabbed his laptop and headed to my bathroom. locked the door.

the laptop opened to his email inbox. i glanced quickly and saw a folder titled Dating. i clicked on it and scrolled through thousands of emails going back to 2006. my name was interspersed between many. i was still shaking, not thinking clearly. i clicked randomly on emails.

“i had so much fun with you last night.”

“can’t wait to hang out this weekend.”

so many emails, so many girls. i collected my thoughts and started with the most recent. match.com emails to and from potential suitors. then from melialani the girl he’s in love with: “nate, you said some things last night that make me realize we have some things to discuss about our relationship. i know you’re busy, please let me know when you are free so we can talk.”

the following email was from jackie: “i know i’m in LA and you’re in SF, but i know there are feelings between us. we have something that i know you don’t have with anyone else. we were meant to be together. don’t you agree?”

from sherin: “I LOVE YOU. i know i’m going to regret sending this email when i wake up tomorrow morning. but you know i love you. i want a family now and you can’t give that to me. good-bye nate.”

i stopped shaking. i felt relieved. i felt like i wasn’t the only one who’s been misled or under this man’s spell for all this time. i know these girls from his facebook. they are all smart, attractive. a partner at a prestigious PR firm, a pediatrician, the CEO of a startup, an M&A attorney. i felt a kinship with all these girls. the only difference is i knew. and knowledge is power. and finally i started to feel like myself again—not under anyone’s clutches. because while i read through those emails, i realized how wrong i was to be in love with a man like that. thank God for letting me see that. i can take that love and put it to better use now.

i crawled back into bed with him and thought, “oh what a much loved man you are.” and truly, with that knowledge, i felt love and respect for myself again.

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12.10.08

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    December 11, 2008 at 8:09 am

    you were afraid to know the answer….now you know it. Proves intuition is more often than not- right. If you’re up for it….then its time to turn the tables and make him sweat some. Otherwise…no need to spend another ounce of energy on him….its time to delete delete delete.

    Reply
  2. Catherine Gacad

    December 11, 2008 at 11:07 am

    thanks anonymous. emails, phone number, all contact information, all references to his name have been eradicated. defriended him on facebook. i am a new woman 🙂

    Reply
  3. Krimey

    December 12, 2008 at 1:04 pm

    sounds so liberating!! you must feel like a weight’s been lifted.

    now you can get on with your life 🙂

    Reply

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Welcome to my site, derived from an advice column I wrote while getting my MBA. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. I give helpful, opinionated advice based on my own experience and from the expertise of my extensive network. For more, click here.

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