So I’ve been thinking there is something wrong with me. Enough to warrant taking anti-depressants. Although the thought of medication has been in the back of my head for quite some time now. I’ve always thought I could benefit from it. People are just wired differently and I have–since the beginning of time–been wired to love sad songs, dramatic film, slit-your-wrist literature, all things cathartic and depressing…and so have always nurtured that kind of sentiment. I am moody, somber, contemplative.
And lately, it was the boys that were depressing me. One not calling back. Another being late. Another one ignoring me at a party. I thought, get a grip. What is wrong with you that your self confidence is anchored on the interest of men? Stop it! But with each one dropping off (whether their decision or mine), I’ve been hurt. It angers me, depresses me. It makes me very sad. There’s something very wrong with a middle-aged girl who suddenly gets depressed because the boys stop calling.
I know people hate rejection. But I realized that it’s rejection in general, not just with my love life, that bothers me. In college, I was depressed because I felt dumb. I wasn’t really popular. In business school, I felt fat. There was always something that brought my self-confidence down.
Now that I’m older, I’m good at what I do. People at work respect me. I know I do good work. My life has fallen into place. I’ve got my home, my friends, my extended family. And it’s this missing piece, this missing partnership that I have wanted so desperately and not been able to obtain.
But things keep me occupied. My writing. I want to get published. I’ve been talking about it forever now. Someone in my writing class told us about a site that gives almost immediate feedback. So I submitted one of my pieces and a reviewer (these are all regular people like myself) said, “your writing is very mediocre. sorry.”
I almost started crying! I realized at that moment, it’s not just men. It’s everything in my life. If someone calls me out as ‘average’ in anything I do, I flip. I go crazy. I get depressed. And while this person’s comment made me depressed, I actually realized a bigger theme about myself.
Anyhow, something I need to work on. It’s not just the relationships. It’s telling myself that it’s ok when others don’t love me, love my work, or love everything about me. It’s ok.
oh catherine, i'm so sorry you're feeling down. i know i tend to be pretty critical in my postings but i want you to know i think you're an interesting, dynamic person and i'm always down here in la rooting for you!
when we are raised in an overly critical environment, always being told we are not good enough, (obviously) our self-esteem suffers. over-achievers (as opposed to high-achievers) can never feel good about their accomplishments. but that's actually our goal. what we're looking for is not actually success but disappointment, because that's what we've grown up and feels comfortable.
your posting from today reminded me about something i heard recently, something that might explain the disconnect between your ideals & reality, at least in the dating arena. just a theory, but hear me out.
when someone shows any sign of vulnerability, insecurity, imperfection… that can trigger a strong reaction in your mind. it subconsciously reminds you of your own feelings of inferiority and shame. it reminds you of your own upbringing, when you were taught imperfection was unacceptable. i'm not sure who taught you that, (often it's a parent) but whoever it was is right there with you at that moment, in your mind, being critical as ever. you can't handle the thought of the criticism being directed at you so you instead channel all of their judgments & criticisms, planting them onto someone else so you can deflect the shame off of yourself.
if this rings true at all, you can follow the advice i subsequently heard (seems to pop up most when you're with your gentlemen friends or by yourself.) Whenever you feel this seeming omnipotent presence in your head, you need to visualize yourself tell them to STOP. Enough is enough.
it'll take some patience, but if you try it, you'll realize over time that their ultra-critical perspectives are not necessarily your own. and just because they were sure of themselves doesn't mean they were *right.* in your heart you know this to be true.
as i learned from you (well, your therapist) "we are humans living amongst humans." once you learn not to be so harsh with yourself, and embrace your wonderful qualities as well as all your imperfections, you will stop being so harsh with others.
it's late, so i'm hoping what i wrote made some sense to you. like i said, i'm thinking about you & rooting for you. take care of yourself.