So I’ve been thinking there is something wrong with me. Enough to warrant taking anti-depressants. Although the thought of medication has been in the back of my head for quite some time now. I’ve always thought I could benefit from it. People are just wired differently and I have–since the beginning of time–been wired to love sad songs, dramatic film, slit-your-wrist literature, all things cathartic and depressing…and so have always nurtured that kind of sentiment. I am moody, somber, contemplative.
And lately, it was the boys that were depressing me. One not calling back. Another being late. Another one ignoring me at a party. I thought, get a grip. What is wrong with you that your self confidence is anchored on the interest of men? Stop it! But with each one dropping off (whether their decision or mine), I’ve been hurt. It angers me, depresses me. It makes me very sad. There’s something very wrong with a middle-aged girl who suddenly gets depressed because the boys stop calling.
I know people hate rejection. But I realized that it’s rejection in general, not just with my love life, that bothers me. In college, I was depressed because I felt dumb. I wasn’t really popular. In business school, I felt fat. There was always something that brought my self-confidence down.
Now that I’m older, I’m good at what I do. People at work respect me. I know I do good work. My life has fallen into place. I’ve got my home, my friends, my extended family. And it’s this missing piece, this missing partnership that I have wanted so desperately and not been able to obtain.
But things keep me occupied. My writing. I want to get published. I’ve been talking about it forever now. Someone in my writing class told us about a site that gives almost immediate feedback. So I submitted one of my pieces and a reviewer (these are all regular people like myself) said, “your writing is very mediocre. sorry.”
I almost started crying! I realized at that moment, it’s not just men. It’s everything in my life. If someone calls me out as ‘average’ in anything I do, I flip. I go crazy. I get depressed. And while this person’s comment made me depressed, I actually realized a bigger theme about myself.
Anyhow, something I need to work on. It’s not just the relationships. It’s telling myself that it’s ok when others don’t love me, love my work, or love everything about me. It’s ok.