I’ve been thinking about getting on anti-depressants. I’ve never done them before. I always opted out in the end, thinking I’d just go at it on my own. But what if that was the wrong choice? What if I should have been on them my whole life? I’ve always been a sullen person. Always moody as a kid. Constantly thinking I was never good enough. What if drugs could have helped me?
My life is a mess. Just when I thought I had true work-life balance, I found my workload multiplied. I thought it was a good thing having so many friends. Now I’m spread thin. I get calls, “Hey evasive one, what’s up? I haven’t seen you in a weeks. When are we going to get together?”
Then there are people who I don’t even consider friends, bugging me for lunch or drinks after work. “Catherine, it’s been three months. Now that earnings are over, I really would like to meet for lunch sometime to catch up.” It all makes me want to scream. What am I supposed to say?
“Look, truth be told, I barely have enough time for my best friends. Now skedaddle and find someone who has more time on their hands to have lunch with you.”
I started thinking about it last night when a friend told me she had talked to her doctor about it. Funny thing is…she isn’t any more ‘off’ than I am. Quite frankly, I think I’m in much worse emotional shape. So if she’s thinking about getting on something. I definitely should get on that bandwagon.
I just always thought it was normal to cry every once in a while at night. I’m not saying I cry every night, but it happens often enough that it probably is concerning. The funny thing is…that’s how I’ve always been ever since I was a kid. I cried and cried and cried at night because I thought my mom hated me, because I didn’t have any friends, because nothing was ever right. Maybe I wasn’t right in the head.
I believe in modern medicine. It’s not like I’d be worse off if I go on anti-depressants. There can only be upside, right? Whenever I’ve considered them, I’ve always thought about a friend who said, “I was on them. Don’t be scared. My dad (who was a doctor) wouldn’t have put me on Prozac if he didn’t think it was the very best thing for me.”
So that’s where I am. I’m really thinking about doing it this time. Maybe it will smooth out my mood swings and make my anxiety go away.