Midlife Manifesto

I need to take a step back.  Here is the big picture.  My whole life had always been planned.  I just followed the map and set out for each destination.  I don’t know where I fall in the nature or nurture debate.  I think this is all part of my DNA.  It’s been ingrained in me for so long. Besides, I was raised by my strict mom who honed me into a little version of herself.  

Whatever I set out to do, I did it.  When I graduated from business school, I beamed.  I knew I’d get here.  I just knew it.  Now when I walk on the top floor of my company’s headquarters, past the CFO, past the CEO, toward the Chairman’s office, I think, “This is exactly where I wanted to end up.  This is what I had dreamed for myself.”  I love my job.  I often say that I plan on retiring at this company.

And then I sit here at home, nuking another Lean Cuisine, staring at my laptop at the celebrity gossip blogs, thinking, “I can’t believe this is my life.  I’m here alone.  I never thought I would still be single at this age.”

There is only one more destination to explore and I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there.  I have all these doubts scattered in my head, but I try not to think about them.  I try to stay positive, but it’s challenging to stay positive when you’ve been single for so very very long.  For a few months, I had decided in my head that I wanted children, but now I have changed my mind again.  And really, the only reason I’ve changed my mind is because I don’t want to stress myself out, put more pressure on myself for finding the right person, hoping it lasts, getting married, and starting the fertility drugs to increase my chances.  I just decided to put those baby thoughts to bed.  One thing at a time.  

Therese will have several babies for me to care for and love.  I was so pleased to have been there when her second baby boy Benicio was born.  Now I’ve got my Dominic and my Benicio—two boys to take to the new Academy of Sciences.  Two boys to send to school.  “I’ll pay…but it’s got to be Berkeley.”

I don’t know whether to focus on finding the right person or to NOT focus on it.  What is the right thing to do?  I found myself in this same situation exactly ten years ago.  Never had a boyfriend.  Never had sex.  I seriously thought I was going to end up a virgin for the rest of my life.  So I decided to enjoy my time by myself.  I went out to movies alone.  I dined alone.  I went to bars alone!  And that is when I came across the love of my life…when I was content, self-assured, happy.  I was happy and alone.  

Maybe I need to find that place on the map again.