Warts

Ok, the header is a misnomer because I don’t have warts plural. I really just have a single wart. I like to think of it as my little sidekick. I can’t even tell you how long my sidekick has been hanging out on the underside of my left foot’s big toe. Wow, that’s a mouthful. I know it dates back to my marathon days, but I honestly can’t say whether I’ve had sidekick for 2 or 3 years. I definitely think he’s been around for over a year.

Sidekick doesn’t hurt. No one ever sees him. He’s not at all inconvenient which is why I haven’t really cared all these years. I barely pay heed to him, but recently I’ve decided he has got to go! I got the idea when I was browsing around the Kaiser pharmacy waiting for my Ambien refill prescription. Browsing up and down the over the counter aisles, I came across all these wart medications. I figured now is the time to zap the sucker out of my life. The tough, calloused skin hardened into a nodule under my big toe needs to be eliminated.

Now the hard part was deciding which wart remover medication to choose. ALL of them stated, ‘Doctor Preferred Method: Faster and More Effective than Traditional Wart Treatment Methods.’ They all said that! So I went with the most expensive one: fucking dimethyl ether and propane. Oh yeah. It’s supposed to freeze the wart right off and at $25, I told the cashier it better work. That’s twice the cost of my 20-pill Ambien prescription.

I’ve been using this doctor preferred method every night before bed for the past two nights and I must say it is slowly working. It doesn’t hurt during application, but I have noticed that that area (now that I’m in treatment mode) is very slightly tender when I walk during the day which makes this process all the more annoying. It didn’t hurt then, but it hurts now. Ugh.

I want this damn sidekick out so badly, I freeze the wart area for longer than I’m supposed to. Most of the calloused skin is gone which I also scrape off with a pumice stone. But now that the excess skin is gone, I realize that the wart is really embedded into my toe. After 10 more days (I’ve got a total of 12 applicators), if this sucker isn’t gone, I’m scheduling an appointment with the doctor to have this damn thing completely frozen off.