One of These Days

I’m going to spit it out. I’m going to come clean with all the stories as if no one was there to read. As if no one was there to scold. As if no one was there to look me in the eyes when it was all said and done. I don’t have the guts to do it now. Frankly, it’s not about guts. I’ve told my most embarrassing stories. Poohed on the screen. Sobbed through the network.

I walk a fine line with this public blog. A repository of personal information that everyone has access to. I’m almost an open book, but not quite. I think about the readers. I’ve always said I would never write negatively about my readers. But I no longer know the audience and how it’s grown.

Several nights ago I was inspired by a love story I read online. I read furiously page after page past 1am. I continue to think about it…what an exciting love. Girl meets band frontman, one night stand, then he’s gone. But she’s so moved by him that she sends him an email, telling him what a passionate, interesting person he is. They communicate back and forth a few times. He’s even more impressive. He’s well-read, thought-provoking. He tells her where his band is playing. She doesn’t know what comes over her, but she says she’s on her way. It’s a six hour drive. She drives non-stop. There’s more to the story, but they end up marrying a week or two later.

On the way home today, pondering on the bus, I was set on telling my story. My one beautiful love story. It’s not that exciting, but it is a beautiful, endearing story. The only one love story I have to tell. A single one. But I can’t.

I always say that my friends have the whole story. If one day I disappeared, that all of them could piece me back together. Moment by moment. And there are a golden few who know everything. Absolutely everything. The good, the sad, and the very ugly. People ask why I do this. Why do I expose myself online. I think…it’s because I’m human and struggling.

How powerful is the human word to elicit gratitude. I tell these stories because I want you (whoever you are out there) to be grateful for your relationships. What a blessed thing to have a partner, pets, children, family, friends, best friends, community, church.

One of these days, I’m going to tell you that love story. Then I’m going to counter it with the one night stand with a friend who then stopped speaking to me! So I brought a date to his party and made out unabashedly in front of him. I’m going to tell all of that and more. In detail.

With gratitude. With anger. With love.

xoxo,
catherine