At least I didn’t go two steps back.
I really wanted my relationship with Dave to work. When I picture in my mind all the guys I’ve dated, I wish that he and I were still together. If a genie appeared and granted me one wish, that is my one wish. One wish wrapped up in so many different conditions. I wish he had been in love with me. I wish we had gotten along better. I wish we had good communication. I wish he hadn’t annoyed me so much. I wish his face had beamed, wish he had scooped me up every time he saw me.
I’m sure he’s thinking (or maybe he’s done analyzing), I wish she had been nicer to me. I wish she didn’t get angry so often. I wish she would just relax. I wish she would accept me for who I am.
I realize I have faults. I’m working on it. My therapist said, “Remember that you are human, interacting among humans. Try not to be hard on yourself. Try not to be hard on others.”
And so I stepped back to where I was before. Without seeking it. They were just there, ready to welcome me back in. No questions. Just there, open arms. Dinner, drinks, maybe a kiss or two. Never very long. Taking it slow. Back on the scene. But yes, I’m dating three guys from the past.
Maybe I can learn something from them. Maybe I already did. Like forgiveness. That I can disappear from someone’s life, take away an active friendship for a period of time, but they would still welcome me back. When I was in pain over my cousin’s death, it was these three guys who surprised me the most. They emailed, emailed again, and emailed more. “Checking up on you. Are you ok? Call me. I am here for you.”
I feel like God is cutting me some slack and at the same time, telling me to remember. Remember that I haven’t been fair to others, but look how blessed I’ve been.
You are human among humans. Be good.