• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Catherine Gacad

  • About
  • Categories
    • Archives
    • Blogging
    • Burning Man
    • City Guides
    • Education & Politics
    • Favorite Books
    • Finances & Retirement
    • Parenthood
    • Relationships
    • Religion
    • San Francisco Bay Area
    • Travel
  • Hire Me
  • Subscribe
    • Feedburner
    • Bloglovin
    • Feedly
  • Search

All Posts

Bad Dream, Bad Mother

I never dream. At least I very rarely remember them.

I had a bad dream while on vacation. I found myself pregnant with no husband, no boyfriend. There was no decision to be made. I didn’t stress over whether or not to have it. I was having this child.

I was engrossed in work as always. The story of my life. When I think of my future, I see myself slumped over a laptop, working away. It was the same in my dream. I had a great deal of responsibility. My co-workers counted on me. My company needed me.

I called my sister. “Tree, do you think you could take care of my baby during the day? Don’t worry, I’ll pay you.” She graciously agreed. It was a fine arrangement. I dropped my baby boy off at my sister’s everyday before work. As a good mother herself, she made a great caretaker. I didn’t have anything to worry about until my baby started crying everytime I came to take him home.

“NNNOOOOOO!!!” He would scream and start bawling. He’d kick and shove me away. “NO!”

I felt horrible. My sister comforted me. “I think he’s just used to being here. Don’t worry. It’ll be ok. He’ll stop acting up once you get him home.”

The sequence of events in my dream moved quickly. First pregnancy, then a baby boy, next the kid had perfected his vocabulary. He started yelling, “NO! I don’t want to go with you. This is my home. Leave me alone.” I was stunned–not at his aptitude, but his attitude. The boy wasn’t even walking yet he was ready to walk out on me. I had a baby with a teenage attitude.

I woke up at that point. Sheets wet with sweat from my fever. I’m glad I didn’t get to see how my kid turned out. It wasn’t looking too good.

The dream was one indication, but I know I’m not ready to have a kid for other reasons. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready despite what people say. I like being alone. I really do. I like hiking, shopping, running by myself. I can’t imagine living with someone else when I so enjoy coming home from work to my own place, without people. Beautiful enjoyable aloneness, partnerless, kidless, silence.

Related

Tweet
Pin
Share
0 Shares

01.10.07

Tweet
Pin
Share
0 Shares

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Gordon

    January 14, 2007 at 8:17 am

    Catherine, the solitary existence has its perks. Like any choice though there are unintended consequences, some good and others whose impact is ambiguous at best. Personally I enjoy my aloneness but I try not to preclude a change. And should things change I accept that some strategy to make time for self within that relationship would be valuable. Family and friends combined with the ability to go somewhere and be alone…ah, life!

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Welcome to my site, derived from an advice column I wrote while getting my MBA. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. I give helpful, opinionated advice based on my own experience and from the expertise of my extensive network. For more, click here.

Categories

  • Archives
  • Blogging
  • Burning Man
  • City Guides
  • Education & Politics
  • Favorite Books
  • Finances & Retirement
  • Parenthood
  • Relationships
  • Religion
  • San Francisco Bay Area
  • Travel

Popular Posts

  • What to Know About the Lair of the Golden Bear
  • The Divorce Manifesto: Love (and Divorce) in the Time of Coronavirus
  • God Bless Me and America
  • How to Maximize Your Time at Gilroy Gardens
  • I Was Not Born to Be a Mom
  • Alumni Ventures Group
  • Wellbutrin: Day One
  • Mothers Day: A First, the Worst, and My Miracle Baby
  • Two Angel Babies and One on the Way
  • 2018 Best Lent Ever: Day 2: "My God, My God, Why Have You Abandoned Me?"

Back to top

© 2022 Catherine Gacad.