I’m feverish. All the travel has worn me down. My tummy aches. I slept a lot today, but I still feel ill. I’ve had time to do a lot of thinking. I’ve been pondering my relationships, the dating hiatus, what it is I want.
I used to think that I love very easily, but that’s not true. The reason I love so many of my high school friends is because after so many years of friendship, I trust them to be there for me. I think about the times when I was on the phone with Daniel and the sniffles would surface. Then there would be a knock on my door. He had crossed the Bay Bridge from Oakland to have a face-to-face conversation with me and to give me a hug. That is true love.
I thought I loved a lot of guys, but that’s definitely not true. Until now, I thought I loved Nick. He’s smart, artistic, entrepreneurial, attractive. I can’t believe I thought I loved him because of those things. I realized I never loved him. I don’t love him. How can I love someone I don’t respect? Someone who defaulted on his commitments several times. I couldn’t trust him. I can’t fall in love with someone I don’t trust. I was under a spell. What a dumb girl I’ve been.
The big take-away for me is to honestly assess where it is going. Next time someone tells me, “You know, Catherine, I’m never going to marry you,” then I’ll know to request the bill, insist on credit card roulette for good measure, and get the hell out.
I’ve loved my three boyfriends and that is it. Maybe three is all I’ll get. I’ve really enjoyed not dating anyone or seeing anyone the past few months. The dating hiatus is officially over tonight. Three months from September 11th. I wouldn’t mind keeping this up. I like me a lot!