There are the requests for setups. Out and about, guys ask for my number. There are guys I met at Burning Man. And there are more than a handful of guys I dismissed when I decided to pursue Dave. I’m not worried about being alone. The problem is that I really enjoy being single.
I decided on September 11th that I would not date anyone for three months. When I tell people about it, I get two opposite reactions: 1) “Good for you. I think that’s great. You can spend this time figuring out what it is you’re looking for in a relationship. Get to really know yourself.” and 2) “I’ve never heard of anything so stupid. Why would you do something so silly?”
I still haven’t come to an exact conclusion, but now I’m starting to agree with the latter opinion.
Here’s what my mom had to say. “Cat, why? You want to learn how to be alone? To have a good time by yourself? I don’t know anyone else in the world who enjoys being by herself more than you. You’re the most independent girl I know! Why would you want to take three months to figure out what you already know? You have fun, you travel, you have a great job. You’re great by yourself! What is this—being alone—going to accomplish?”
Quite frankly, I agreed with her. I didn’t know what to say. I was stumped. She was completely right. I love being by myself. I’ve made the transition well. Sure, I get misty-eyed at night when I think about Dave. But I’m out and about, doing my own thing every day. I’m perfectly happy reading my books, writing my blog, painting, shimmying around the house to Justin Timberlake. I thoroughly enjoy being single. I thoroughly enjoy being alone and that’s what scares me.
I think I need to be in more relationships to figure out how to make them work. Learn by doing. A married friend of a friend advised, “The best thing to do to figure out who you’re going to marry is to date as many people as possible. You’ll get to know what you like and dislike. It’s easier when you’ve been through enough relationships.” Maybe he’s right. I’m not sure how this dating hiatus is doing me any good.
I’m far from figuring it all out. Maybe I never will. That’s why I’m still single and 31. At least I’m having fun.
I agree that purposely remaining single without reflection is a bit pointless – you already know you can flourish on your own. I would think the benefit of staying out of the dating scene is on par to meditating in a quiet place or practicing the movements of a golf swing over and over. We do this so our minds and bodies establish a new pattern of action, at a time when there is nothing at stake, nothing to prove. Then when it comes time to draw upon this in the everyday chaos called “Life” we are more likely to turn to our calmer center of focus and follow our new *planned* course of action. Similarly, with the whole dating issue, it helps to independently establish the new patterns you’re striving to make permanent: not requiring external validation to confirm your self-worth, not overreacting about (real or imagined) slights, reaching out in kindness when your ego start to feel threatened… Then when you start dating again, you will be less likely to go back to your old comfort zone where your raw emotions are the ones fiercely in control of your relationships. CATHEE will then be able to take the wheel and move forward with a plan.