Stress is slowly taking its toll on me. I had already told people that I might crack this week. I have 7:30am daily conference calls. I don’t think they have an end date.
I lost it yesterday. My living room floor was littered with tissues this morning–I was too exhausted to pick them up before I went to bed. The hotel kleenex boxes are coming in handy.
It took all the energy I could muster to transport myself from the couch to the bed. I picked myself up, to lay me down to sleep. The stress came out in bursts of hiccuped crying and twitching. All night my legs kept twitching. I’ve never experienced that before. I slept awfully. Although I must have gotten in some rest because I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night. My whole body twitched like one BIG body BANG with hands and legs outstretched. My eyes bugged out. It scared the shit out of me. I hadn’t had a bad dream. I just fluttered awake instantly. Almost like a knee-jerk reaction, but my whole body.
I have very little free time. With the time I have, I want to be alone. I want to light a candle, read a book, plan my vacation. All alone.
I never ended things with Dave. He told me he loved me. He wanted to make it work. And most importantly, he showed me he was trying. I wanted to try, too…until last night when the stress took over. I told him I wanted a break, that I needed time to be alone, that I couldn’t give him what he needed with all the work I had to do. He said that we didn’t even have to take a break, that if I needed to be alone, he would understand. He would be here for me, that I probably needed him right now. We didn’t have to do this ‘break.’ He was so understanding; I was touched. Why would I give this up? He is too good to me.
We decided on a 1-2 month break until Thanksgiving. We would get back together and then work on our relationship. I thought about it more after I hung up the phone. It wasn’t the right decision. I felt like it was a cop-out. I didn’t want to drag it on any more. I wanted him to be free and not to think of me anymore. This was it. I wanted it to be over.
I wrote him this email and followed-up with a phone call.
i’m so tempted to call you, but i know i’ll just start sobbing.
i love you, love you, love you. i know that for certain.
but all my life, i have been scared of love. i was skeptical of guys and relationships; i was always ready to run. there have been dozens of times I’ve walked out on someone—on a date, from his home… i think it made me feel powerful. or maybe i felt it was bound to go sour sooner or later. i grew up with a bad example of love and marriage. my parents’ disagreements, to this day, make me burst into tears. i know that’s why i’m such a commitment-phobe.
you’ve experienced it, too, in our relationship—me wanting to break up. it’s just me acting out what i’m used to. i want you to know that i think (actually i know) that you deserve better than this. this is not what a loving relationship is supposed to be like. i have got many issues to work out and i do not want you to be a part of my soul-searching.
also, i love you enough (very much) to tell you that this is not just a temporary break, but that it’s permanent. you deserve someone who doesn’t get irritated easily, someone who is carefree and laidback. i think we are trying to salvage our relationship when we know that there’s something that’s just not right.
a friend told me something that has always stuck in my head. he had gotten into an argument with his long-term girlfriend. that this argument was different. this was back when i was 23 and i said, naively, “but you love her and she loves you, that’s all that matters, that you love each other.”
and he looked at me downtrodden, knowing that he was on the verge of a breakup. he said, “love isn’t enough.”
that’s how i feel with us, that even though i love you so much i don’t think it’s enough. disregard all the stuff that i said early on in our relationship. i know it took you some time to get used to me and open up. you are a wonderful boyfriend. i’m so happy that i winked at you 😉
kisses…and my love forever and ever (i promise),
Breakups have proven extremely difficult for me. I never end it the first time around, or the second, or the third. With Dave, I think this breakup is extraordinarily hard because I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who was so good-hearted. He makes me want to try. He’s made me a better, more patient, caring person. But at the same time, there’s something that’s just not right about our relationship. If I could fix it, I would. There isn’t anyone else I would rather be with.
Hysterical, I called my sister–the one person who knows me better than anyone. She said she had experienced what I was going through, trying to make a difficult decision, and fighting it. She had considered joining the convent and kept asking the nuns about their calling. When did they experience it. How did they know? They said you know. It’s a strong feeling you can’t deny. And she realized that she kept fighting it. She kept fighting it because the convent seemed like the right decision, the good thing to do. But it wasn’t right and deep down, she knew it.
In the same way, I don’t think Dave is the right person for me. He’s the perfect boyfriend. He’s good and kind. My parents adore him. But I don’t think our relationship is right–at least for now. I say that without a lot of firmness because I still hope that one day, maybe it will work out. I wish, for once, that love could be enough.