Back to Reality

I left for BM with a broken heart. I couldn’t stop thinking about how my relationship had ended. Even though I had ended it, I had declared my love for him and sobbed. He looked at me sadly, kissed me on the forehead, and said, “It’ll be ok.” I was an emotional wreck.

I didn’t expect it, but I ended up dating someone from my group. Every time I walked into his view, he looked up and smiled. He’d stop whatever he was doing, or tell the person he was conversing with to hold on. Then he was by my side, greeting me with a hug, and gushing, “Can you be any lovelier?” I finally felt special. This is what had been missing in my relationship.

I came home from BM feeling really good about everything. I was happy…until these emails.

Dave to Me

My roommate just made it back from BM.

I hope you made it home safe as well.

Me to Dave

thanks for emailing. that’s nice of you. i got back a couple hours ago.

i had a really great time. the people i worked with love BM because of the art and the community. we had a good time together and i’m glad i’ll be seeing the same people annually. i also ended up dating a guy from my group. we actually went out on dates! he picked me up in an art car, got drinks at the cafe, cruised around all night.

the art was amazing. i’ll have to send you pictures so you can see.

hope you had a great holiday weekend. did your brother come up?

lots and lots of BM stories to tell. i’ll catch up with you this week.

Dave to Me

Hey,

I have to admit that reading the words “I ended up dating a guy
from my group” really made my stomach drop. Good thing I didn’t come
up.

I am not sure how appropriate it was for you to tell me that in your e-mail.

I don’t mean to make you feel bad, but I just wanted to let you know
how I feel.

bye

Dave

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I called him after this and apologized profusely. I felt awful. We talked for half-an-hour, but it didn’t end well. I decided to compose an email.
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Me to Dave

i know you think i say the words ‘i love you’ freely. maybe you think i’m rather haphazard with the words, whereas you have reserved them for someone very special. i can accept that; i’m fine with that.

but i want you to know that when i say ‘i love you,’ i mean that i want the very best for you. that i think that you’re an extraordinary person. that i want you to be happy. i want you to have an amazing life…to be passionate about your career, to be passionate about someone. i don’t think you were passionate about me. and i love you enough to tell you that i don’t think i made you happy and i want you to have that—even if that means that we’re not together—-which (by the way) i wanted more than anything else.

i realize now that this is hard for you. i honestly didn’t think that before. i kept thinking we ended our relationship with an imbalance of power—you knowing how much i cared about you and me still feeling empty.

i’m going to try to get some sleep now, just wanted to get these thoughts out of my head.

Dave to Me

I erote this below. I got your e-mail at the end.

I don’t want to make you mad and to be an asshole, I just want to let
you know how I am feeling.

So I can’t sleep as I feel sick and my mind is racing.
So many thoughts and feelings that are hard to describe, but maybe if
I write them down. then I can hope to fall asleep.
Maybe my feelings are valid maybe htey are not. Maybe I have no right
to feel upset, but I am.
I just don’t understand how you think I feel and felt about you. I
know you said that you felt like I don’t like you very much, which is
absurd.
Given the number (few that is) of people that I have dated and had as
a girlfriend, that feeling makes no sense.
Given my history, it is not easy for me to find someone I like and/or
likes me. I don’t know which one. I do feel that it easy for you or
maybe you just date a lot, I don’t know.

I question how can you tell me to come up and be with you in BM and
then get serious about dating someone up there. Maybe you are not
serious about dating this guy, but that is how it made me feel. THat
makes me question our relationship and possibly I feel like I couldn’t
look back on it with fondness. I know that will change, but I think
it is important for you to understand how I feel right now. Becasue
maybe you never knew how I really felt about you.
I did not fully know how I felt myself, but I think you definetely
were not correct in your interpretations of my feelings.
I think your insecurities played into your interpreations of my
feelings way too much.

Again, you might feel that I have no right to feel this way. I don’t
know. I have to assimilate it more. You might also think that I am
saying this just because I am being petty after you have moved on to
date someone new.
I am saying this because you don’t know how I feel. Maybe it is my
fault. I am sorry about that.
I defintely thought about you hooking up with someone up there, but I
defintley did not need to hear about it.

We may not be right for each other, but Catherine I cared and still do
care deeply about you, although I may not feel that way at this
moment.

I really don’t understand how you thought differently and how it would
not hurt me to read that you were dating someone else.
Maybe you were just hanging out with someone nice and it was a good
way to enjoy the time up there, but to hear you saying those words
made me feel that you could easily move one.
I know that is not true, but that is how it felt.
OK you just e-mailed me and I am rambling.

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Dave called as soon as I finished reading his message. We talked into the night. We didn’t resolve anything, but I think we understood each other better. We’re still trying to figure things out. It’s tough. I deserve more. I need more. But I’m still in love with him.