Email Correspondence

Me to Conrado

relationship blues. how do you know if you’re with the right person. i keep going back and forth with my boyfriend. was going to break up with him last night. i don’t know if i just have relationship issues or whether i really should just break up with him. he is really good to me, super good guy. but not sure if we have what it takes to last.

i was counting on you to be up late when i called last night!

Conrado to Me

I don’t think there’s any easy answer to that.

Normally, I’d say “you just know”. But, considering your proclivity for finding problems with your boyfriends, it’s quite possible you just may not know. Sure, you have problems in your relationship. Everyone does. What are these differences you’re having? Do they really matter in the long-term? The trick is to choose your battles.

But even when you do just know, things can change over time. People grow. Sometimes in different directions. Thus the high divorce rate. I think the problem starts when people give up or stop trying. Everything worthwhile takes hard work. You of all people have first-hand experience of that. Graduating from Berkeley. Getting an MBA. Buying a house. None of those happen overnight. Nor does a successful relationship.

I’m not claiming to know all the secrets. But I do know that nothing is as easy as it seems. We’re at that age when a lot of our friends are getting married. Weddings always crack me up. There’s all this preparation and pressure to have this “perfect day”. Really, it’s just show time. The really important parts happen on a daily basis. Do you communicate well? Are your fights disagreements productive or just bitching sessions? Do you respect each other? Does he inspire you to be a better person, and vice versa? Are both of you equally vested in the relationship? Do you love each other?

I know. Lots of questions. No easy answer.

Joy to Me

katya, meant to call you yesterday to check up on you, but i was moving furniture all day and forgot. how are you doing? haveyou patched things up with dave?

hope you are doing ok,
joy

Me to Joy

you guys definitely perked me up saturday night. i’m glad you forced me out.

i spent sunday sulking around, though, and sleeping a lot (i do that when i depressed). finally called dave in the evening. he said he had been totally sad since our fight, couldn’t focus. he said he would try to validate my feelings from now on. we talked it out. he’s a really good, sweet, sensitive guy. i like him a lot.

but in my mind, i decided that this is kind of the last straw. we’ve had too many big fights and we’ve only been together for six months. we’re supposed to be in love and having a good time with each other. too many big arguments make catherine and dave depressing people. we’ll see how it goes.

my friend jae is coming in from LA tonight. we’re going to…OSHA THAI…for dinner around 8:30ish. it’s one of his favorite places. you are welcome to come. jen said she might come out, too.

Joy to Me

glad that you guys talked. it’s a good thing that you were both bothered by the fight since that means that you are both invested in this relationship, right?

for what it’s worth, here are some of my thoughts based on your email… i don’t think that having too many fights is a bad sign. i think you are just trying to get used to each other’s styles and getting to know each other. the fights are a means of communication. not fighting probably means you guys are suppressing your feelings and just glossing over things that are important. that would be avoidant and non-productive.

however, i think the bigger question is whether you like him, really like him. i ask this because in how you’ve talked abt him, i sense you have reservations. i know you think he’s good for you, good on paper, and is the nicest and most caring boyfriend to date. but do you really like him? does looking at/thinking of him melt you? does he really do it for you? and once you are sure of your feelings for him, each fight would just be abt whatever the disagreement is, and should not always call up the larger question: is he the right one for me?

would love to join you guys tonight. let me know which OSHA…joy

Me to Lizzie

lizzie, thanks for checking up on me. i have run out of cell phone minutes, so i can’t use my phone until 9pm my time which is probably past your bedtime—or at least too late for me to make a call to the east coast.

the weekend was really hard for me, but a couple of my friends did a good job of cheering me up! my gay friend took me to this crazy gay bar. it was like coyote ugly in the middle of jazz fest in the heart of the french quarter. i was like, “i had no idea this place existed. this is so much fun!” bartenders were walking around pouring shots for everyone. it was a hoot.

dave came over last night to chat. i had completely resigned myself to being single again, so it was good. we had a good talk about what i needed in a relationship, why he can’t give it, etc. he even said he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get past the issues we’d encountered. so…a win-win on all counts.

i woke up this morning feeling good, the day is sunny, and i’m pretty happy. i have a feeling there is something positive that is around the corner. it’s very odd…just a strong feeling.

my minutes are back up on friday. i’ll call you then 🙂

Me to My Blog Readers

Thanks to everyone who continues to read my blog.
I have amazing friends.
There’s a lot of great advice to go around.