The past couple weeks have been a blur. Work is busy. My relationship took a nosedive. And here I am…single again.
Last Friday, I considered breaking up with him. Saturday, I actually did it. Sunday, we sorta made up. Monday, we decided the breakup was permanent.
Maybe I’m doomed to be single forever.
A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom on the phone. I told her about my relationship, my reservations. She has always encouraged me to give it a chance. She knows I’m impatient. I don’t give things time. Plus she really likes Dave, as did my Dad and most of my friends.
I went on about not being sure. I fretted, “I don’t know, Mom. Maybe I’m just scared to be alone.”
She responded, “You know, Cat. Sometimes when you’re with someone, you can feel very alone.”
I thought that was such a profound statement.
Friends assure me that I’ll find someone. They’re not worried about me. But I worry about me! Although, I’ve been single for several days now and I feel much more at ease now than I did when I was in a relationship. I think that’s a good sign.
One of my friends pulled me aside and said, “I don’t think this is right. Yeah, he’s a great guy. But I’ve seen you happier. I want you to be happy.”
That said, I loved my boyfriend. Still do, always will. I broke up with him because we didn’t connect, we had poor communication, and he didn’t love me. I know love takes time, but after six months…you either love me or you don’t. I’m sorry, that’s just how it works in my mind. Let me know if you think otherwise.
Regardless, I didn’t feel special. He didn’t light up when he saw me. I want someone who thinks the world of me. I deserve that. I know I’m fun, interesting, unique. One of these days, I’m going to collide into someone who is the coolest guy ever, who thinks I’m the coolest chick ever. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.
I leave for Burning Man in a few hours. I’m going for longer than I ever have. Probably twice as long as I ever have. Ten days in the desert. It’s going to be a good year. I can feel it.
It’s all about feeling good. When you do things that make you feel good, it’s a compounding positive effect. I’m trying to ingrain that in my head. Make it part of my world view.
Have a great Labor Day weekend. I’ll catch you after the holiday.