I think I should stick to working hard, getting promoted. Maybe go back to school, get good grades. That’s where I excel. Because it sure ain’t with dating.
I’m going to go ahead and open up about what’s going on right now.
I’m a wreck. I finally started seeing someone seriously, exclusively for the first time in almost four years. It’s not working. I have a feeling that this relationship won’t last long. It’s just not going well. We’re having a tough time together–wanting different things, me expecting more than he can give.
I’m scared. I don’t want to date anymore. If I end things with this guy, I’m going to have to go back out there again. Go out for dinner, drinks, coffee with strangers. Yuck. If this ends, I swear I am going on a dating diet for a few weeks, a month. I just can’t imagine trying to get to know someone all over again, spending a lot of time together. I’ve spent enough time with this guy. I don’t want to go through the whole process again.
I’ll admit, I’ve got issues. I’m not the easiest person to get along with. I’m super moody. I have a temper. I’m a serial dater. The guys I dated who I fell in love with…eventually something went wrong. Obviously. So I freak out at the first sign of a problem with my current relationship. I want to bolt. I try to find fault. I think…if I dump him now, I’ll feel better because I will not have wasted all this time on him. That’s where I am right now. I’m with someone who is so easy-going I seriously don’t think he’s that into me. There’s no romance, no spontaneity. No sparks in his eyes when he sees me. I get upset, I tell him. He feels threatened. Thinks I’m expecting certain emotions he can’t provide.
It’s not supposed to be this way early on in a relationship. I shouldn’t feel unloved. He shouldn’t feel threatened.
I’m on the verge of a break-up, but I don’t know whether I should give it more time. Try and work it out. Or just be done with it.
I found someone who’s trustworthy, calls me, makes me dinner, plans the weekend with me, willingly spends his free time with me. It’s comforting and I feel safe. But I want more and I hate that I want more. It’s like a disease. The dating disease. Like wanting to lose more weight when you’re really fine. But you think you’re not perfectly fine, so you keep killing yourself to get there. Relationships are the same way. They’ve never been perfect for me, so I abandon them and seek others.
Is it ok to have what I have right now? Or am I settling? Is it ok to settle? I don’t know. If I knew, I wouldn’t still be having these problems.
In six days, he’s coming to a wedding. He’s meeting my family.
God, I don’t know if we’re going to make it.