The Death of ‘I Love You’

Last year, I wrote a posting about saying the words ‘I Love You’ in a relationship. My advice? Don’t do it!!!

Well I did it. Last week.

It was uncanny. I was thinking about him when he called. I hadn’t heard from him in a while. I knew he had been travelling.

It was the same routine. He wanted to come over, hang out, catch up. I agreed. I was testing myself. I wanted to see how I would react, what I would do when I saw him.

Buzzzz. I buzzed him up.

He came in. We met each other half-way and embraced. “It’s been a long time, Nick. It’s good to see you.”

He nodded while planting kisses all over my face. We spent the next hour catching up, holding hands. He kept trying to kiss me on the lips, but I wouldn’t let him. I averted him and his kisses landed smack in the middle of my cheek. It vexed him. “Why are you fighting this? You know you want to kiss me. Kiss me!”

I relented. One long kiss. In the midst of it, I knew it was over. The passion, the lust, the obsession was gone. Those intense feelings I had always felt for him were no longer there. I was relieved. I felt free.

He retreated and said, “I like you.”

Instantly, I responded, “I love you, Nick.” It all came out then. Everything I had ever wanted to say to him. I had nothing to lose. “I think you’re amazing. I could follow you around all day long, you’re so interesting. I told you that you didn’t give me what I need. What I thought I needed was someone who was available, someone who called me everyday. I hated you for not giving me that. But you give me other things. When you see me, your eyes sparkle. I feel pretty around you. I feel smart. You give me confidence.

I spent the past year in love with you, but I’m over it. I love you, but I’m no longer in love with you. I’m done.”

He was surprised and shocked. He sat there with a confused look on his face. “Catherine, sometimes I think I love you, too.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“No, love is a very strong word for me. I never say it if I don’t mean it.”

“Well that’s good to know. Thanks.” I was apathetic after my monologue. I wanted him to leave so I could get some work done.

“What am I supposed to do with what you’ve just told me?” He was sulking like a little child who realized the game was not going his way. “I had no idea you felt this way about me. This changes everything.”

“It changes nothing!” I was prepared to fight back. “If you had no idea I was in love with you, then you’re the dumbest person I know. Don’t you remember the time I told you that I wanted us to be ‘off’ or ‘on.’ And you said you weren’t ready to make a commitment.”

“Catherine, I don’t remember that.”

“Oh really?! Selective memory you seem to have.”

“We both do. How come you never invited me to anything. Ever. Never introduced me to your friends. Not once.”

He was right. I didn’t have a comeback.

I went over to him and put my arms around him. “I’ll always love you. Alright? Will you remember that?”

He continued to sulk. “No you won’t. Everyone says that.”

“I’m not everyone. Remember that time you asked me if I loved you. I didn’t hesitate. I said ‘yes’ and I meant it. You thought I was drunk. I meant it then and I mean it now. I promise.” I gave him a kiss on the forehead and firmly told him to leave despite his gripes.

It was the end of us. And I was glad.

So even here the curse remains. There’s so much emotion involved in the declaration, ‘I love you.’ Between two, there can be one who doesn’t want to hear it. Another who craves it. Someone once told me, “the person in the relationship who cares less, has the power.”

I guess when the stars align, when two lovers don’t care about power, all they care about is caring more…that’s unconditional love. I’ve experienced it twice. Maybe it’ll happen again. But for now, the blog lives on!