Nutrition 101

Finally, I have 1 nice thing to say about Kaiser. Well actually I have 2. First, they treat their employees really well: pension, generous 401k match, excellent vacation time, you name it.

It’s great to work for Kaiser, but sucks to be a patient. Thank God for my blog and for social media. If you have a grievance, it’s no use screaming your head off to someone on the phone who isn’t paying attention to begin with. Tell the world the issue and someone who’s tasked with trolling the interweb for the company’s name will contact you and try to play peacemaker. Can’t say that’s solved any of my issues, but at least complaints have been filed and are “being discussed.” Yeah, whatever that means. Keep counting your money, Kaiser, and distribute the wealth among your employees while patients suffer from your gross incompetence!

The main nice thing I wanted to say about Kaiser is that I finally got some quality health care! Granted, I had to be proactive and make the appointment myself, nevertheless the Registered Dietitian I saw was so helpful, giving me one full hour of good counsel. She confirmed my nutritional death sentence, but advised me to take it one step at a time as it looks like I am already overwhelmed. “How about for 2 weeks, you pick one thing out of the list you’re going to give up. Then something else after 2 weeks and we’ll just take it slow.”

She continued, “A glass of wine isn’t going to derail your plan. But make it count. If you’re going to have wine or sugar, make sure it’s something you’re going to savor. Make it your favorite glass of wine or your favorite dessert. Then stop because you should be satisfied.”

So here is the nutritional death sentence.

I need a BMI of 19-20 which means I have to get to 91-95 pounds.

No dairy.

No soy.

No sugar.

No caffeine.

No alcohol.

No aspartame which can be found in gum.

No wheat.

No gluten.

—–

The limited things I can eat:

Fresh fruit and vegetables

Oatmeal

Quinoa

Sweet potatoes or yams

Avocado

Nuts

Nutbutter

Flaxseed

Rice cake

Eggs

Cinnamon

Organic Tomato Bisque soup from the SF Soup Co. (but limit soup to 1 cup a day or no more than 2500 mg of sodium a day)

I keep telling myself this isn’t forever. I can do this! The dietitian also has the same disorder I have, PCOS, so she had expert advice and resources for me to research. This is crazy time-consuming. I spend about an hour of every day researching vitamins, herbs, supplements, food products, books, resources, healers, and going to acupuncture. I need another vacation!

Eating for 1, Dreaming of 2

I am that person who scoffs at lactose intolerance. They say Asians tend to be lactose-intolerant. I say the phobia is in your head.

On the California ballet, I vigorously nixed Proposition 37’s Right to Know initiative which would have required suppliers to label genetically-modified foods. Who cares? For all the people who shop at Whole Foods or read labels or watch what they eat, all that diligence won’t stop those same people from forming lines around Mitchell’s ice-cream or Mission Chinese. I doubt every scoop and every dish comes from all-natural ingredients!

I rolled my eyes in church when the priest announced they had a special line for communion for people who needed a gluten-free host. Have you had communion before? The host is the size of a quarter and dissolves easily in your mouth. If you’re scared to eat the body of Christ because you might have a gluten reaction, then no amount of praying is going to save your soul.

Grocery-shopping, I gloss over the low fat and nonfat dairy. I skip the free-range, cage-free eggs. I zoom by the grass-fed, hormone-free meats. I storm through the organic fruits and veggies, opting instead for regular-priced for regular people.

All my life I’ve been on an all-fat, eat whatever makes you happy diet. Cheesecake for breakfast. Cookies for lunch. Chips for dinner. Wash it all down with 2 glasses of wine a day. I believe that fulfilling your cravings should be the mantra for food consumption.

Until now…this ghost baby has gotten in the way. Instead of saying ‘we’re trying to have a kid’ or ‘we’re trying to conceive,’ I’m just going to say ‘ghost baby’ because this kid is haunting the bejesus out of me and my eating habits.

“Don’t eat that chocolate, mommy. Your insulin will spike.”

“Mommy no! Dairy makes me gassy.”

“Put that glass of Cab down, mommy. Remember what the acupuncturist said about alcohol.”

“Gluten bad. Gluten bad. BAD MOMMY!”

I am going to throttle this ghost baby.

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