My God, My God, Why Have You Abandoned Me?

fatima-227252_640Jesus cried out on the cross, “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” Catholics sing these words during the Lenten season, leading up to Christ’s Resurrection and Easter. I’ve always loved singing this sad melody, ever since I was a little kid in uniform, celebrating mass in Catholic school. While the words reenact a religious historical moment, it never had any significance for me until I felt abandoned by God when I needed him most.

Exactly a year ago, Dean and I went to the hospital to discuss the next steps in our hopes to have a child. We struggled to conceive and planned on trying a few more inseminations before considering other options, like IVF. The reproductive endocrinologist thought it was best to see where I was in my cycle by doing an ultrasound, at which point we were all shocked to find a baby with a flickering heartbeat. It was our tiny miracle baby–conceived naturally despite our fertility issues.

When we returned the following week for a checkup, the doctor quickly shook his head, apologized and left the room. We never understood what happened. Had the baby not grown? Was there no more heartbeat? When I pressed the doctor later for more details, he said that I could try supplementing with progesterone to salvage the pregnancy although he cautioned that the situation was grim. I was optimistic. This meant that all was not lost. Plus I had God on my side.

Twice a day I loaded up on progesterone. I prayed fervently. Our friends and family, our priests and congregations prayed along with us. God would not fail me. How could he turn away from someone like me who had been faithful my whole life? While others dismissed religion, I embraced it because God had always been my ally. He kept me and my family safe. I was grateful for and lived a full, happy life. He would most certainly take care of my baby. God would not grant me a miracle, only to take it away!

My faith did not waver.

I will never understand, but God took my baby from me when I miscarried on Mothers Day last year. I was a sobbing, mother-no-longer who questioned, for the first time, everything about my faith and religion. In times of need, I had always turned to God. But where was he? He’d been AWOL when I called out to him. I had known God to answer prayers, but when I needed him most, he had utterly abandoned me.

I was mad at God for a long time. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. If he didn’t answer my prayers when I needed him, why would I keep up my end of the relationship?

Eventually I returned to faith and prayer, not because of some enlightenment on my part, but because it was all I knew. God giveth and he taketh away. I don’t know why. There are no answers. I imagine Jesus felt the same way, dying on the crucifix, asking why must it be this way? When we sing, “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me,” I want to say, Jesus I feel you! I hurt just like you.

Then I remember that it’s Easter, the defining moment of our faith–that there is life after death. Maybe this is what God is trying to teach me. Instead of simply reciting prayers, to genuinely draw strength from my faith. To truly believe in the spirit of Easter, that there is hope after despair. I had taken religion for granted because I had never truly suffered. It’s easy to draw on one’s faith when others are the ones in pain, but not when your own babies are dying.

I am pregnant and expecting a baby to be delivered safely into my arms in five weeks. Nevertheless, I am still traumatized by the two miscarriages I experienced. But I am comforted that we will meet again. That is the core of my religious beliefs.

This Easter, I ask that we look beyond the colorful baskets and flowers, the chocolate and candy, and remember that Jesus suffered, that people are in pain. I pray for all those who grieve, especially those who have miscarried or lost children way too soon. May we all find peace, whether through inner strength, the embrace of others, faith or God’s love.

Happy Easter.

Pregnancy Question #3: Resources

I’m back from a two week blogging hiatus as I worked 12 days straight, culminating with a 4:30am office arrival on Friday and a 12 hour marathon work day. Does anyone realize I am preggers?!

More importantly (or rather disconcertingly), my work has banned personal email and social meda. Hugely painful, especially since I’m not one to go for walks or take lunches. It’d be nice to take a break from work and check out my blog or Twitter feeds, but I’m unable to access Gmail, Bloglovin, Hootsuite, Pinterest…with more sites added to the restricted list every day. I tried to listen to an NPR podcast and that was blocked too. Totally ridiculous!

Now that I’m 34 weeks and in the home stretch, I’m starting to freak out about how laissez-faire I’ve been about the baby’s arrival. We haven’t taken a single class. The carseat hasn’t been installed. And there’s still a ton of shit we need to buy.

But I have managed to read the following:

expecting better book cover

I consider Expecting Better required reading for any pregnant woman. The author, Emily Oster, is an economist and professor at my alma mater University of Chicago. During her own pregnancy, she decided to get to the bottom of what pregnant women really should and should not do. You know how medical professionals will spout out all these things you’re not supposed to do: no caffeine, no alcohol, no sushi, etc. I love how she debunks a lot of myths about what’s not safe by intelligently analyzing the research.

Here are a few of the book’s key insights:

“It can take up to 9 months to resume your normal menstrual cycle after going off the pill, but there are no long-term effects on fertility.”

“There is no good evidence that light drinking during pregnancy negatively impacts your baby. You should be comfortable with 1-2 drinks a week in the first trimester and up to 1 drink a day in the second and third trimesters.”

“Epidural is very effective pain relief. But it increases the chance of some complications for the mother. Greater use of instruments (forceps or vacuum in delivery), greater use of C-section…, greater use of Pitocin in labor, greater chance of low maternal blood pressure,…increased chance of fever during labor.”

I encourage every pregnant woman to read the book so that you can be thoroughly informed about what you can/can’t do for 9 months!

ina may childbirth

The_Business_of_Being_BornIna May’s Guide to Childbirth and The Business of Being Born documentary both advocate natural childbirth. While they’re very propaganda-ish, I wanted to be inspired as I am not one to shy away from pain. If I can run marathons with absolutely no training, I can birth my baby without pain medication!

I actually prefer to be delivered by a midwife in a pool of warm water, but Dean is absolutely against it. That’s not to say I’m going to be a martyr, but I’m only saying that my preference is the natural route. We’ll see what ultimately happens. Whatever is best for the baby.

I’m really curious what an OB has to say about The Business of Being Born because it really paints the American health care system in a very bad light. It shows OBs automatically doling out drugs to induce labor to get women out of the hospital in a hurry.

happiest baby on the blockIf I know the 5 S’s, am I all set to take care of my newborn? I read The Happiest Baby on the Block book, then rented the DVD to watch with Dean. Looks easy enough. Hope it all helps!

Now I’m turning to you. What were your favorite pregnancy resources? Books, videos, classes? Let me know. I’d love to hear your advice. Please comment here on my blog (versus Facebook) so that everyone can see.

Take a look at my previous pregnancy questions and how readers responded:

Pregnancy Question #2: Diaper Decisions

Pregnancy Question #1: Epidural vs Drug-Free

The Word of the Day is Uncomfortable

I can’t believe I still have another 8 weeks to go. This baby is kicking up a storm…which is awesome because it’s so reassuring. But my eyes have started twitching because I haven’t gotten good rest. My stomach also has rash patches which I can’t help but scratch. I’ve been using a topical steroid that the dermatologist prescribed, but that doesn’t really help. Minor annoyances.

The real problem is that I’m going into my busy period at work for the next two weeks and I don’t know how I’m going to sit through hours and hours of meetings with the baby kicking and a constant need to sit on the toilet!

Ready for some current pictures?

Here’s my baby bump. My mom took these of us in front of my parents’ house in Alameda.


bump1And here is a 3D pic of the baby! I guess I misspoke in my last post. We do not know the gender of our baby. I just want it to be a boy so that’s how I refer to the baby. Doesn’t it look like a ‘he?’

What do you think by the way I’m carrying the baby and the 3D pic?

BABY 03-25-2014_8

Update: 31 Weeks and Bed Rest

I’m 31 weeks now and I’ve gained 23 pounds. Yep, I’m going in the opposite direction, because last week I had gained 25 pounds. I have no idea why I’m losing weight when I eat crappola all the time. I actually asked the Girls Scouts to please go away because I was tired of buying a box of thin mints on my commute home every day. Despite all the junk food, I also manage to eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. I’m big on sardines because they’re supposed to be good for the baby’s brain and of course I take prenatal vitamins and fish oil.

in-n-outBecause of my small size, my OB had me do an ultrasound to make sure the baby was growing properly. Turns out the baby’s growing fine, but my cervix is measuring short. So they had me do this diagnostic test called the fetal fibronectin. I tested positive which means I may or may not go into labor in the next couple weeks. Anyhow, I’m on modified bed rest and I got a doctor’s note that says, “Ms. Gacad is not to work for the next week.”

Well there’s no way I’m going to sit on the couch and watch TV, or lay in bed and stare at the walls! I got my laptop from work and have simply been working from home. Some friends think that bed rest means I’m at liberty to hang out and have lunch, but I really don’t leave the confines of my living room. In fact, I am overcompensating because I don’t want my coworkers to think I’m sitting at home twiddling my thumbs.

Since I don’t ever go out, here’s a rare picture of me being social, having dinner at Piccino’s with friends from business school. This year is my 10 year class reunion (University of Chicago Booth School of Business). I’m so sad to miss it, but that’s when my precious baby boy is due! As excited as I am for his arrival, the bun’s gotta bake for another two months. Stay in my tummy, little boy! Don’t come early!

piccinoFinally, some amazing news. After 5 weeks, my stolen Honda Civic was found about an hour drive away from San Francisco. I had to sign release papers at the San Francisco Police Department. Dean and I drove to the Mountain View Police Department to sign their release papers, then we had to pickup the car from a tow company. Lots of different steps, but my car is now back in my possession! It’s messy and they ripped the radio out, but nothing a couple hundred dollars worth of detailing and work can’t fix. Plus half a tank of gas!

Update: 30 Weeks and Radio Silence


If anyone can guess that’s an ultrasound picture of my baby’s face should go into the medical field. I should stick to banking because it completely eludes me.

I am 30 weeks along and have gained 25 pounds. I wish I had baby bump pictures to share, but I’m not photogenic even on a great day, so all the pictures Dean has taken of me look awful. I always look annoyed and uncomfortable, even though I’m upbeat. Baby is fine and growing normally, but the doctor’s office held me hostage yesterday for four hours to do some monitoring. My productivity has been crimped with all the doctors visits, so I’ve pretty much been radio silent. No blogging, no emails, no social activities. Sorry if anyone is expecting a response from me. Now you know, I’m totally preoccupied. I’m mainly focused on baby, health, work, and sorting out our new home. I hope to have some more updates soon.

As for my stolen Honda Civic, it’s still missing. At this point, it’s probably broken up into pieces. Very sad. I loved that car. Oh well…onward and upward.

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