Last Fashion Friday
How hilarious are these Celebrity Make Unders from Planet Hiltron? I want one done of me and Dean so I can frame it and put it in our apartment. They totally crack me up!
Anywho I never have enough material to do my Fashion Fridays so I’m going to discontinue it.
Here are my favorite fashion websites for you to bookmark:
Corporette – fashion and career discussion for the office worker bee
Extra Petite – great fashion site for tiny people like me
Honestly, there are so many fashion sites out there. Pick your favorite ones on Bloglovin. If I do come across anything totally fashionable, I’ll be sure to blog about it, but every week was a bit much for me.
Kaiser F*’s Up Again and Again
Last Monday when the doctor confirmed our worst fear, that our miracle baby had no heartbeat, I thought the suffering couldn’t get any worse, but it did. That night I endured the most severe abdominal pain. Coming from someone who doesn’t experience menstrual cramps, I felt like I was in labor with pain shocking my insides. I spent the whole night getting out of bed, crawling to the bathroom, and sitting on the toilet, wondering whether to take myself into the hospital.
I consulted with the advice nurse in the morning and she sent an urgent message to my doctor to have the baby removed, technically called a D&C. The doctor’s office called back, asked about my symptoms, and when I told the nurse I was bleeding she concluded, “It sounds like your body is naturally taking care of itself. You probably don’t need the D&C.”
“No!” I insisted. “I need the D&C and I need your first available.”
The nurse told me to come to Kaiser 30 minutes prior to my appointment to take medication. The idiot never called the prescriptions in so I wasted time waiting in line at the pharmacy, going upstairs to the OB department to remedy the mistake, then having to wait almost an hour back downstairs while the pharmacy filled my prescriptions. Argh!
Now the Kaiser bill finally comes for the ultrasounds and one is charged at $143 and the other is charged at $486. Hello? Are people seriously asleep while working at Kaiser? Same procedure, vastly different pricing? Cmon! Ironically, the ultrasound charged at the higher amount of $486 was a visit that lasted less than 5 minutes where the doctor told us the baby wasn’t growing. That was it. < 5 Minutes!!!
Here’s the problem with health care in the U.S.: I don’t think it’s any better anywhere else.
I wanted to get a second opinion ultrasound just to be reassured that something was really wrong with my baby. I had that done at the Pacific Fertility Center. The doctor was really empathetic, spent almost an hour with us, and overall we had a better experience with her even though she was delivering grave news. I followed up with her medical team about getting the D&C done with the same doctor since I’d had such a good experience with her. They said they’d look into it, then no communication after that. Here is a patient looking to cough money up out of her own pocket and they ignored me.
Obviously, I could have very well followed up with them, but seriously, there is absolutely zero customer service in an industry that should be the most service-oriented!
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Baby Steps
Today was especially hard. For some reason I got to thinking of Christmas, which was the approximate due date for the baby. Isn’t that fantastic? I now have both Mothers Day and Christmas to be melancholic. So I had a silent cry at my desk at work, thinking whether to get a third stocking to remember the baby or if that will just make me feel worse. I have these emotions bubbled up inside and I just wanted to come home and have a good whale of a cry, but Dean beat me home so I’ve had to hold it in. I know he understands and says it’s ok, let it out if I need to, but I’m really just fucking tired of crying in front of my husband. I’d rather do it alone in peace.
Anywho, here are some pics of us recently at the 16th Ave Tiled Steps, also called the Mosaic Steps, which was a collaborative neighborhood project. Friends have recommended I check it out, so away we went one sunny afternoon. I love it, I wish it were in my neighborhood. There are family and businesses names all throughout the tiles plus animals and sea shells. Notice how the SF weather turns from sun to fog.
Best Pop-Up Magazine Ever: Featuring Beck
We got to see Beck last night at Davies Symphony Hall. Best date night ever!
First, some background. Pop-Up Magazine is a magazine that is performed live with segments that follow a typical magazine layout: food, culture, history, sports, travel, fashion, profiles, advertisements, etc. It is intentionally not recorded and not photographed, meaning the attendees are seeing an event that will play out only once and will never be seen again. The concept is brilliant.
They’ve had 8 issues so far, with last night a special Song Reader issue featuring Beck and his music. I’m not even a big Beck fan, yet I was still totally amazed by the show. Actor John C. Reilly sang with his musical group! Kronos Quartet and the Green Street Mortuary Band played. Someone did an investigative piece on anechoic chambers, featured in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the quietest place on earth. So quiet that you can hear your own heart beating or your blood coursing through your body. These soundless rooms are used to commercially test the decibel level of products. Ledisi, a Grammy-nominated singer I’ve never heard of, shined.
Hearing this great show made me realize I need to branch out and listen to more music. There so much out there I don’t even know about. Feel free to share your favorites in the comments.
Money Monday: Do Not Retire in California
Hello everyone, I want to thank everyone again for your support. I am still working through every email and comment. Haven’t even gotten to the voicemails. I am still emotionally exhausted. I go to bed around 10pm if that’s any indication, especially considering I am typically a night owl.
But I have started working again after taking almost a full week off. If I can start working again, it’s time to start blogging again as my blog is a business and I’ve got sponsors I work with. Pay special attention to the sponsored and partner posts as they help offset the fees for web hosting, graphic design, etc. I feel really lucky to write and do what I love, plus have the financial backing. Thank you, sponsors!
I came across a list that Bankrate put together on the best states to retire. Here’s what they took into account. “We gathered state statistics on cost of living, crime rates, tax rates, access to medical care and average annual temperatures. We then ranked the states from best to worst, with the best being those states with a relatively low cost of living, low crime rates, low tax rates, easy access to medical care and higher-than-average year-round temperatures.”
Our Golden State ranks close to the bottom. Hello! I am going to factor in a move to New York (#33) or Hawaii (#35) when I approach my retirement years.
http://www.bankrate.com/finance/retirement/best-places-retire-how-state-ranks.aspx
The Loss of a Baby
I wish I had one tangible thing to remember my baby: a monogrammed rattle, a lock of shiny black hair, a fleshy baby tooth. I wish there were a way I could go back in time and ask the doctor to provide me with a picture of the baby’s first ultrasound with its heartbeat flashing on the screen.
Isn’t it strange how we take pictures of our pets, or frame the local newspaper with the headline GIANTS SWEEP!, or even take pictures of our meals for friends on Facebook to ‘like,’ yet there’s nothing to honor our lost unborn children? No gravestone, no ashes in an urn, no place to put flowers.
When I shared the news of my miscarriage, it saddened me to think afterwards that a simple blog post is the only way the world will ever know that this special life existed. I have nothing, but the pang in my heart.
My nights are sleepless, filled with severe anxiety. I’ll bolt up in the middle of the night, after tossing and turning, as if something dreadful is about to happen—even though death has already passed by our doorstep. The feeling goes away momentarily, only to catch me unguarded in the middle of the day without a tissue to wipe away the tears.
So many of you, dear readers, have written or called to offer your support. I feel so honored to hear your stories. Know that I am taking the time to respond to each of you with the personalized attention your message deserves. It may take some time as I recuperate and take comfort in my husband’s never-ending embrace. The cries are plentiful, the heartache immense. But I know I’m not alone. We are not alone.
Thank you.
Mothers Day: A First, the Worst, and My Miracle Baby
I’ll never forget this year’s Mothers Day. I can’t imagine a year will go by, from now on, without me remembering it was the day I lost my baby.
After years of trying and struggling, Dean and I conceived our baby completely naturally. No thanks to science and all the specialists, fertility clinics, drugs, and medical procedures. We’d taken a break from it all, including acupuncture and all the dos/donts advised by the nutritionist. We were way too stressed with selling the house and busy with work that I figured we’d start the baby-making later. Ironically, it was during this stressful period that I got pregnant.
The shock on everyone’s faces when we found out we were pregnant was practically comedic, given the doctor’s recommendation that we be more aggressive and do IVF. Dean and I clasped ours hands ecstatically upon seeing the baby in the ultrasound with its heart beating. It was love at first sight. My heart swooned. When the doctor and the intern left the room, Dean and I jumped for joy. “We have a baby! This is our baby!”
My life changed instantly as I became laser-focused on the baby: pre-natal vitamins, a whole new nutrition plan. I stopped looking at my ever-present To Do List and made a point of resting and sleeping as soon as I came home from work. Every minute of every day, I kept thinking, “This baby is my whole life. It’s all about the baby.” I avoided certain San Francisco hilly streets because of the potential to fall. I stopped jay walking and used cross walks. I paid attention to traffic signals and was even more mindful of speedy renegade cars. I crossed the street to avoid smokers.
At the next ultrasound, the doctor said the baby wasn’t growing and that he’d expect to terminate in the next two weeks. We were excruciatingly devastated and I was beyond comfort. After processing the shock, I refused to give in. I had a baby still with a heartbeat inside of me and I had to be its advocate. For God’s sake, I am its mommy and my baby is relying on me! I have to be strong enough for the two of us. This was my miracle baby conceived against all odds. I was certain this baby was meant to be, meant to be born into this world, and held in my arms.
I prayed more than I ever have. I slept even more. I ate fresh fruit and vegetables every day. I sang lullabies and Broadway show tunes to the baby. I went for walks, sat outside, and soaked in the sun. I’ll distinctly remember getting chocolate chip cookies and whole milk, or vanilla malted milkshakes and enjoying the surprisingly good San Francisco weather with my baby. And I’ll forever be grateful that we got to take the baby on vacation to wine country.
As my weight increased and morning sickness set in, I felt the baby growing stronger. I hoped it would pull through. Then when blood appeared the Friday before Mothers Day, I was beside myself, sobbing uncontrollably in the bathroom. I knew it wasn’t a good sign.
On Mothers Day, we visited my family after attending mass. My mom greeted me by looking at my tummy and asked, “Getting bigger?” I broke down. My parents wrapped their arms around me, heartbroken at the news that I’d been progressively spotting more and more all weekend, and pained for their barren daughter. The following day, the doctor confirmed the baby had no heartbeat.
You may wonder how I can become so emotionally attached to a baby that was not even born. I’ll ask in response, when do mothers start loving their children? Is it only after they’re born? After its first cry? I’ll venture, as with me, it’s when you first realize you’re carrying a child or when the adoption papers are signed. It’s instant, unconditional love.
Losing this baby has been the most painful experience of my life. There is, and will forever be, a permanent hole in my heart. This is not some thing that can be replaced. I am not comforted by the potential of having another child. I am grieving over this unique baby, this human life form that was growing inside of me, that was half me, half the love of my life.
I know that so many of you prayed for me and the baby during this very difficult time. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for your support.
While we mourn our baby, we know our baby is in the good hands of God.
Jesus said, ‘Very truly, I tell you, you will weep and mourn, but the world will rejoice; you will have pain, but your pain will turn into joy. When a woman is in labor, she has pain, because her hour has come. But when her child is born, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy of having brought a human being into the world. So you have pain now; but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.’
explOratorium
The Exploratorium has re-opened at its beautiful new location on Pier 15 on the Embarcadero. It is incredible! LOVE-LOVE-LOVE! Featuring over 150 hands-on exhibits, it’s brighter, spacious, and modern.
I think the location is ideal and much more convenient for tourists who can see the Bay Bridge, visit the Ferry Building, then saunter down to the Exploratorium, then continue to the Wharf. Locals get a $5 discount per ticket.
We went on a Saturday when every single parent, grandparent, aunt, and uncle were on-hand to accompany all these gazillion little people. I vow to take a half-day off work and go when there aren’t any crowds. There’s so much to do and it’s all fascinating.
In one exhibit, we listened to a blind man give a sensory-guided tour of the Civic Center BART station. That was really eye-opening to have to listen for contextual clues like coins dropping or the machine sucking in the BART ticket.
There were also petri dishes of the various growth stages of a duck embryo. It was so interesting to see the tiny heart beating in a sac. We could have spent all day there if it weren’t for the exhausting crowds. Definitely going back one day in the middle of the week.
Sponsored Post: Ultimate Adventure in Phuket: Top Aquatic Activities
As Thailand’s largest island, and one of the go-to places for adventures in South East Asia, Phuket holidays are some of the most popular ones available in the area. From the hot temperatures throughout the year to the glistening beaches, it’s no wonder visitors from far and wide find the island appealing and that’s not even including the rich history, culture and heritage that you can sink your teeth into during a stay here.
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Diving
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Freediving
Having recently become the diving centre for the emerging South East Asian freediving scene, Phuket is a perfect spot for anyone with an affinity for the sport. The essence of freediving relies on the divers ability to hold their breath, rather than relying on scuba gear. While it may seem a little too David Blaine for some to handle, other aquatic fans will love it.
Snorkelling
This aquatic sport can be enjoyed in many areas of the Phuket coastline, with pristine reefs available at Patong, Kata and Karon beaches. Research the various options if you decide to join a tour. Trips to Racha and the Phi Phi Islands give you the chance to enjoy the majestic scenery; spending a little more baht will give you a better quality, safer excursion.
Sea canoeing in Phang Nga Bay and sailing on the turquoise waters are also incredibly popular in this area of South East Asia, with many coves and secluded bays within easy reach of a rowboat or kayak.
With an abundance of stunning locations, Phuket is the place to be if you’re a lover of all things aqua. From donning a pair of flippers to kitesurfing in Nai Yang and Chalong Bay, if you’re visiting Thailand for more than just relaxation, you’re in the right place.
