How to Be Successful in Online Dating

I love the topic of online dating for a variety of reasons: 1) my blog started out documenting my adventures as a single girl dating in San Francisco, 2) I did online dating off and on for a LONG time, 3) I met my husband on Match.com, and 4) a lot of my friends and readers are still single.

Now that I’ve read comedian Aziz Ansari’s book Modern Romance cowritten with NYU Sociology Professor Eric Klinenberg and mathematician Hannah Fry’s The Mathematics of Love, I thought I’d share these tips on how to be successful in online dating.

Date a Lot

I’m a firm believer in maximizing your odds. With so many options (Tinder, OkCupid, eHarmony), you might as well take advantage of all that is available to you! That means registering on multiple sites, and continuing to date other people even if you think you’ve found ‘the one.’ I got burned so many times thinking that I’d met my future husband, and next thing you know, I was getting dumped and crying my eyes out for weeks. Don’t let this happen to you. Keep on, keeping on! Dean bristles that it took him 20+ emails before he got to meet me in person. Sorry, buddy! I was dating other guys at the time. And hey, persistence paid off for Dean.

Emphasize Your Unfair Competitive Advantage

Short, bald, fat? Play it up! In her research, Hannah Fry discovered that the majority of online users stay away from the typical beauties. Why? Because the average person does not think they stand a chance contacting Bradley Cooper or Miranda Kerr. Further, why would anyone waste their time contacting a supermodel when the competition is high? Wouldn’t you rather focus your energy on a profile where you may get a response? That means contacting someone who is attractive to you, but you think may not be so interesting to others. This is why it’s important when you craft your profile to not hide what you think may be unattractive. That 6th finger? Emphasize it!

Hannah gives the example of Portia de Rossi and Sarah Jessica Parker. Who do you think would do better in online dating?

Credit: http://sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/

Stop Filtering So Damn Much

We think we know what we want, but it turns out that we absolutely don’t. We want someone who is this certain height, this certain age, but all of that goes out the window when you actually meet someone in person. Research shows that the characteristics we think are important to us, do not align with what we’re actually attracted to. This all means that we should stop filtering and just go out and meet people!

Try to Remain Invested

Aziz gives the example of his dad who was given 3 options for an arranged marriage. He met all 3. One was too tall, another too short, and one who was just right. That was it! Height was all he based his decision on and they’ve been happily married for a lifetime! This goes to show that falling in love with someone and maintaining that loving relationship takes time, deep interactions, and sustained activity.

Time Savers

Before I had Franco, I was working full-time, blogging part-time, involved in Burning Man and all of my alma maters, traveling around the country and the world for pleasure, spending 1-2 weeks in the Black Rock City desert, doing movie nights, book clubs, happy hours, hiking, eating out extensively and I still had a lot of time on my hands. Now, with a 15-month-old kid, I have very limited time. I cannot stress enough how little leisure time I have!

So today I want to talk about time savers. I will share some of mine if you promise to share some of yours.

Showers: I used to take 2 showers a day. Gulp. I especially feel bad saying that since California is in crazy drought mode. But I used to take a shower in the morning and then again late at night before bed because I love long hot showers! Still do. Except now I am down to 1 at night. This means I wake up, wash my face, brush my teeth, put on my clothes and I’m good to go.

Botox: Yes I do botox! Botox under the armpits helps control my hyperhydrosis problem, which means no time wasted applying deodorant. Yay!

Makeup: Don’t wear any.

Perfume: Don’t do this either. I don’t do it, nor should you. Ok I know I’m being a bit drastic, but perfume obviously is a very personal thing. I get it for nights out, but please not during the day. It can be very repulsive. The guy sitting next to me on the bus this morning was wearing this cologne that made me want to vomit. Perfume, like smoking, should be banned in the workplace.

Hunger: As a sugar addict, I used to spend so much time out of my day going to get hot chocolate or froyo or chocolate chip cookies or ice-cream. OMIGOSH, what a huge time waster! I now have large packs of almonds and whenever I get hungry, I just munch on almonds. I’m also a huge proponent of Lean Cuisines. They’re balanced meals and very healthy. When I was working with a nutritionist, I was embarrassed to tell her all I ate were Lean Cuisines and she said, “Good! Lean Cuisines are great.” I couldn’t believe it. That’s 3-4 minutes nuke time and you’re ready to eat.

Exercise: I don’t do it. No gym membership. No running along the beach. Nada. This isn’t to say that you should stop too. Personally I have never needed exercise to feel healthy and good about myself. I also believe exercise in moderation is best. Excessive exercise (i.e., marathons) is not good. Your body gets so used to that much training that if, God forbid you miss a day, then you are screwed. Also, with exercise, you burn more energy and have to eat more! I wasted a lot of time running in my 20s and 30s and I am here to tell you, it did me no F*ing good. My body is in much better shape with ZERO exercise.

Reading: Love me some audiobooks! Also when I come into the office in the morning, my printer is on fire because I am printing out all my non-urgent emails. So bad for the environment, I know, but I swear I do my part in other ways. I work better, faster and retain more with printed material. You’ll never catch me without a book or printouts in-hand; that way while I’m waiting in line or my computer is giving me the hour glass, I can quickly read something from my stash.

Finances: All automated. Savings are withdrawn automatically. Bills are linked to my Citi 2% cash back rewards credit card. The credit card payment is automated. My stock portfolio has built-in stop orders so I don’t have to worry about anything dipping below 2%. I use Mint.com where I can see in one dashboard where I am spending money, how my stocks are doing, if my properties are increasing in value, and my entire net worth.

Email: I cut out all the bullshit. I don’t get a single promotional sales email. Do this now: Unsubscribe to anything that is cluttering your mind and wasting your time.

Shopping: As much as possible, I stay away from stores or shopping malls. I try not to waste time buying more shit. If I do need something, Amazon to the rescue.

Facebook and Social Media: I am not one of those people who’s on Facebook all day, every day. That’s silly. Get a life! I limit my use to once a day–if that.

Outsource: I’m a huge believer in outsourcing: cleaners, travel agents, personal assistants. Think of it this way. Is it worth your time to clean your home, or is your time best served elsewhere (i.e., closing more business, spending more time with your children, going away for the weekend, etc.).

Don’t do stupid shit: I try really hard not to do stupid shit. Waiting in line for a free ice-cream. That’s stupid shit. Going to the museum on a jam-packed free admission day because it’s going to save you $20. THAT’S STUPID SHIT! I shake my head at these people. Don’t be one of those people, trying so hard to save money, they can’t see beyond their blinders.

Please share with me your time savers or shortcuts in the comments! I would love to hear.

 

Life is Good

On Saturday July 25th, my friend GR celebrated his 46th birthday. It was at a bar–no kids allowed–otherwise we would have been there. I mentioned this to him on Monday, offering to make it up by taking him out for lunch. We emailed back and forth, and settled on a Mexican restaurant (he felt like tacos) for Tuesday at 12:15pm.

On Tuesday at 10:25am, an email crossed my screen: GR Medina Passing. GR had passed away on Monday night of unknown causes.

The past couple weeks have been a tough time for me. I am heartbroken to have lost a friend full of life, who had so much to give, yet I am heartened by all the memories we shared and feel truly lucky that I was one of his many friends. I seriously won the friend lottery when it came to GR.

I know GR from work. He was in IT and we had a good time chatting whenever I had “computer problems” that turned out to be user error. Because we worked in the same group, we always hung out during events: happy hours, picnics, golf tournaments, end-of-the-year-shindigs. That group liked to party! It’s kinda funny dancing into the wee hours of the night with your coworkers!

Then I moved on to a different group, but he always made sure to invite me to everything. People would ask, “What are you doing here?” And I grinned, “GR!” He was my golden ticket!

GR was one of my most loyal friends. If I organized a happy hour, he was there. If he said he was going to be anywhere, you could count on him. I remember he got lost trying to find his way to one of my birthday parties (poor thing was tipsy), but he finally made it after multiple phone calls, with the event manager giving him step-by-step directions! He was never one of those people who didn’t respond to invites. He was either going to be there or out of town.

Scrolling through GR’s Facebook feed, I read about how he sent an Uber to pickup a friend so that she could join him at a bar, instead of being alone on her birthday. That was the kind of guy he was: thoughtful, caring, sensitive, loyal and witty. He radiated goodness. He wore t-shirts that said Life is Good.

The turnout at GR’s Celebration of Life was incredible. The bar was full of people telling their favorite GR stories. His parents brought his entire coaster collection and said we should each feel free to take one. His mother gave a touching speech to honor her only child. She ended by urging everyone to call your parents and to tell them you love them. She said that she, her husband and GR never ended a call without saying I Love You.

Life is good, but life can also be short. I regret not going to GR’s birthday. It pains me that I wasn’t able to say good-bye, nor did I ever tell him how much he meant to be.

So go! Go to every birthday party and celebration. Travel and see the world. Collect coasters! When you go to bed every night, may you have no regrets.

xoxo!

How to Get to and from Alameda and San Francisco

Now that I no longer live in San Francisco (sniff) and have been commuting for over a month now from Alameda, I have been pleasantly surprised by the number of different options available (smile). Since knowledge is power, let me list and describe how to get to and from Alameda and San Francisco. It will make you want to move to the burbs!

Bus

The O (the letter, not the number) bus will take you directly from Alameda to the Transbay Terminal in San Francisco. There are stops all along Alameda, but once it leaves the island, it goes straight to the Bay Bridge, bypasses all the bridge traffic, and dumps everyone at the Transbay Terminal at Beale St. & Howard St.—which is the temporary location while the new terminal gets built.

Pros: Relatively clean, smooth ride once you get on

Cons: Buses are never on schedule

Reliability: Medium: While the timing is finicky, it’s pretty reliable. The bus will come at some point.

Issues: Accidents on the Bay Bridge

Cost: $4.20 one way

Convenience: Direct ride

Casual Carpool

Casual Carpool allows in-bound SF drivers to form a carpool by picking up 2 passengers, bypass bridge traffic, and pay a discounted toll of $2.50 vs $6. There are 2 pickup locations in Alameda (Webster & Santa Clara or Park & Encinal). Same route as above (O bus) except the drop-off is at Fremont & Howard. While it is a little weird getting into a car with strangers, Casual Carpool has been around since the 70s and is safe.

Pros: You always have a seat. Can’t beat the price.

Cons: Strangers/safety – but shouldn’t be a concern; Casual Carpool is typically only one way since there isn’t a benefit to carpooling in the opposite direction on the Bay Bridge.

Reliability: High: If a carpool car isn’t there when you arrive, one will come soon.

Issues: Accidents on the Bay Bridge

Cost: $1 gratuity, but not mandatory or expected

Convenience: Direct ride

Bus and BART

I would say the majority of commuters take a combination of bus and BART. Depending on where you live in Alameda, the 51A bus will take you either to the 12th Street Oakland or the Fruitvale Oakland BART station. If you prefer to drive, there is parking at Fruitvale. I’ve also seen free Alameda BART shuttles, including one from the new Alameda Landing to 12th Street.

Pros: Everyone else is doing it. If you’re late because of BART issues, most likely other coworkers are in your same shoes.

Cons: Dirty—as in you need to take another shower. You are lucky if you get a seat.

Reliability: Medium to Low: The bus system in the East Bay is highly unreliable. BART has to be fairly reliable since so many take it, but there are always issues. Today there was a delay while the cops tried to track down a transient who was bothering everyone (of course, he was in my car, aggressively panhandling).

Issues: BART strikes, technical and mechanical issues of all kinds, medical emergencies, fire, reroutes, service shutdowns

Cost: Bus is $2 for a local single ride; BART is variable depending on stop, but from 12th Street Oakland to Montgomery San Francisco is $3.30

Convenience: Combination of bus and BART is grueling. BART often has issues.

Ferry

The San Francisco Bay Ferry is the best way to commute to SF. There are 2 Alameda terminals: Main and Harbor Bay. Both have free parking. Very reliable, have never had an issue. 20 minute ferry ride from Alameda Main terminal to SF Ferry Building.

Pros: Always on time, always have a seat, clean, café onboard, plus alcoholic beverages for after-work happy hour. Everyone is happy.

Cons: I personally suffer from seasickness.

Reliability: Ultrareliable

Issues: None

Cost: $4.80 one way with Clipper Card

Convenience: Extremely convenient

There you go. Pick your poison and happy commuting!

How to Manage Your Finances for Early Retirement

Now that we’ve bought a new home and we’re taking on two mortgages, I have become laser-focused on our finances. Here’s my guide to controlling your finances and saving money on the path toward early retirement.

Wages

You know the mantra, “Live within your means.” How much you earn controls everything else. If you want to increase your standard of living, you have to make more money. The simplest way to do this is to find a higher-paying job or to negotiate for more with your current position. I have successfully negotiated for more a handful of times in my career so I will touch on that. Choose a time when your services are critical to the company (i.e., pre-IPO, pre-product launch). Let’s say 6 months from now your company is going to launch a new product and you are the product manager. BAM! SHOW ME THE MONEY! Having 1-2 offer letters for other positions or other companies would be ideal. Tell your boss that your services are wanted elsewhere and you are thinking about other career opportunities. Do you think they want their product manager to leave during this critical phase? Hell no. They are going to match whatever you are requesting.

Best thing you can do to improve your finances? Make more money!

Save for Retirement

The #1 thing you want to do with the money you’ve made is to sock it away for retirement. You shouldn’t even see it. It automatically gets deducted from your paycheck and grows and grows until you’re ready to tell your employer Sayonara, it’s beach time! Max out your 401k which is currently $18k for 2015. Typically employers match a percentage of your 401k contribution, so make sure you at least contribute that matching percentage. This is what I did when I was straight out of college making peanuts.

Maximize Pre-Tax Accounts

In addition to our 401ks, I maximize our medical, commuter, and daycare spending accounts. That’s tax-free money right there!

Mortgage / Rent

Now let’s talk about expenses. The highest expense for most people is housing, which is either mortgage or rent.

We’ve all rented at one time or another. I am predisposed to finding the cheapest possible rental to accommodate a basic standard of living. If you are a single person, you do not need to rent a 2-bedroom apartment. WTF?! I have never understood people who feel they need to have extra space for all their crap. Kondo that shit! For those of you who don’t understand the Kondo reference, please read the international bestseller on decluttering by Marie Kondo. One of my biggest pet peeves is clutter. I go berserk when I see people buying these big homes just so they can fill it with more shit! Crap is cluttering their lives and their minds!

Rent is simply wasted money, so do not set aside an exorbitant amount of your precious wages toward rent. Rent = flushing money down the toilet.

Of course there are exceptions. Before we become parents, Dean and I were in a San Francisco rent-controlled apartment with parking and all utilities included and I did not want to give it up!

If you can buy a home, all the better because you are building equity. Also buying real estate can be a huge wealth creator. Most of the wealthy people I know own real estate. Buy that dump in the best neighborhood, fix it up, and you will be on your way to early retirement.

Love this calculator: Is it Better to Rent or Buy?

Insurance

Another expense is insurance which is kinda mandatory. Car, home, life, and umbrella insurance. We have car, home, and life insurance and I am looking into umbrella insurance. Shop around. I shop around every year for the cheapest insurance, yet appropriate coverage. Our son is protected with 15-year term life insurance, with coverage that is more than enough to pay off our mortgage should anything happen to me or Dean.

Other Bills

Expenses for cell phone, cable, internet, car, gym, utilities, garbage should all be analyzed and negotiated. We save by not having gym or club memberships. We don’t have car payments. Our employers cover our phone bills. Everything else needs to be negotiated often! Call back until you find a representative who is willing to deal.

Taxes

We have an amazing CPA, introduced to me by Dean. Before we had Franco, I would tell Dean that our CPA was the best thing he brought to our marriage. Our CPA is a tax strategy guru and I can always count on him to minimize what we pay to Uncle Sam. Find yourself a tax guru. Taxes are a major expense and if you can find yourself a tax guru who understands what tax vehicles to use on your behalf, then you are golden.

Those are the basics. I could go into more detail with savings (should also be automatic), credit cards (pay down highest-interest debt first), investing (excess cash in a checking or savings account is not ideal), but I will leave that for another day or for a professional.

Meet with a Financial Advisor

I highly recommend meeting with a financial advisor if you are not comfortable managing your own finances. I’m very comfortable managing money, but I elicited the advice of a financial advisor to make sure we are on the right track. She confirmed that we are, contingent on the following:

  • Dean and I both max out our 401k each year.
  • We save an additional $1,000 every month.
  • When we retire, we will net $2,000 every month from our rental properties.
  • While our financial advisor is not modeling in any college education expense for Franco, she has modeled private school expense for Franco from kindergarten through senior year in high school.

If all of the above holds, then we will both have enough to retire when Franco is 18 years old.

I can provide a referral for a financial advisor if you need one. No cost involved for running the analysis and putting together the plan.

Now go forth and plan for your early retirement. We’ll see you on the beach!