I have been pregnant or miscarrying for the past eight months, and all that I have to show for it is a broken heart.
As I’ve shared on my blog, I miscarried twice this year, making 2013 the unluckiest most miserable year of my life. Now I find myself in the strangely curious position of being pregnant for a third consecutive time. I find it ironic that it’s October with Halloween looming, as I wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares. Is this a trick or a treat?
But this morning when I prayed, I had a vision of God. He was holding my two giggling angel babies—one on each arm, their brown bums on his lap. I reasoned, he doesn’t have room for another baby, so this one that I’m carrying must be the one for me. I felt sure in that moment that the one that’s currently in my womb—I will cradle in my arms.
Some of you may wonder why I’m disclosing this—when we could very well end up in another similar situation. But I ask, who will pray for my child if I don’t say something? Why must I be robbed of the joy of sharing this news as a mother? That I have a life growing inside of me with a healthy heartbeat. How amazing is that?!
I have harbored a great deal of guilt over the losses of my first two angel babies. Was the first miscarriage because I got sick during the pregnancy? Am I too small, too skinny? Did I do something wrong? Is God punishing me?
I was so hopeful and confident that I’d get pregnant again, but when it happened, I couldn’t celebrate. I felt only dread and severe anxiety. Every time I went to the bathroom, I feared blood. Every day became an exercise in trying to overcome an overwhelming sense of dread and fear.
But I cannot live like that anymore. While it is so much easier to wallow in sadness, I have been trying very hard to be positive. My new mantra is: Choose Happy.
To wit, I was wrong when I started this post by saying I’ve been left with a broken heart. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I have two angel babies watching from above. I have a husband who tells me every day I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. And we are surrounded by the love of family and friends. I may not have given birth, but I created life three times over, and we did it naturally. What an unbelievable feat.
To my readers, can I ask for your positive vibes, warm thoughts, caring light, and prayers. Your support keeps us afloat.
And last but not least, to the little one who matters more than anyone else at this moment. I have one word for you: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!