Where Were You When I Needed You?

I am still very bitter and very sad about my relationship with God. Honestly, when I think of God, he makes me cry. I don’t know whether I’m crying because I feel he’s a bad father, or whether I’m crying because I know I’m a petulant little child who’s upset that I haven’t gotten my way.

I am a devout Catholic. I go to church every week, I pray every day. My faith stems from a very religious family. My dad was in the seminary to become a priest before he met my mom, and my sister almost became a nun.

Life was prayerful and happy until I lost my baby, at which point I stopped going to church, I stopped praying, and became very angry with God. I’ve spent my whole life believing in him, believing that he provides. If God cannot answer the call of someone like me who has believed in him, loved him, and whose faith has never wavered, than what is the point! Why does God have to take away my child? What is the incentive in prayer if I’m the one who is getting FUCKED!

I see all these people who never go to church, who never pray, yet they are blessed with beautiful bouncy babies and it makes me so angry. I might as well not believe in God, then maybe I’ll finally have a healthy child of my own.

This has not been a good time in my life. I am angry and when I’m not angry, I’m simmering. Poor Dean has taken the brunt of it. Still he’ll ask, “Can we try to go to church this week?”

Yet my response is the same. “Nope, can’t say that I want to go.”

I finally did go, however, when my uncle passed away. I went to the rosary and the funeral mass, and I felt at peace. I listened to the scripture readings and cried. I have resigned myself to knowing that God’s plan and death are beyond human understanding.

Before my miscarriage, my faith was strong because it made sense. God always answered my prayers. 100%. He never failed me. For that reason, faith was actually quite logical and scientific for me. Here is a theory: God is real. Test the theory by asking questions and getting the right answers. Theory proven.

But now my theory is being put to the ringer. There are no answers. My comprehension is failing me. I absolutely don’t know why and I do not understand. And so for the first time in my life, this is a matter of unconditional love for God, despite feeling abandoned, and having blind faith.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

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Comments

  1. says

    Oh Catherine, I remember all too well how angry I was when I had my chemical pregnancy before having Emma. I was upset and just pissed at the world (simply put). My poor husband, also, at the time had no clue how to deal with me. He tried his best, but would put his foot in his mouth on more then one occasion at this time. I remember the turning point for me. We were going out to dinner and he said something to me (notice I don’t even remember exactly what), but I got so upset that when we came to a light I actually got out of the car and began to walk home. He followed me and finally parked the car and stopped me. And I finally just cried and cried for what seemed like forever. I got all of those bad feelings out. I am not saying I was all better or cured after that, but I think I came to some sort of understanding and began to find a bit of peace after that. And miraculously, I got pregnant with Emma the following month. I still remember that after almost 5 years. But I guess my point in rambling is we have to come to terms with our feelings at some point and and our own way. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.

    • Catherine says

      Thank you, Janine, for sharing your story. I’m so glad it is not just me who has experienced this and been so angry. I do get a sense that I will get pregnant again and I hope that when I do, I can try very hard to enjoy and be at peace with the pregnancy instead of fear that something will go wrong like this first time around.

  2. says

    Beautiful Catherine,
    You are amazing to me…I admire you for sharing your heart and for bearing your soul. For being completely raw and real with your readers. So many blogs focus on pretty things and fashion, which I enjoy and even blog about at times…but lifes too short not to be honest and these pretty things are so totally fleeting in this life we spend here on earth.

    Its incredible how bold and courageous you are. For years I have feared not being able to get pregnant. It would be my dream to be a mommy some day and it still has not happened. I cannot imagine actually conceiving and still losing that precious gift in my womb. Heartbreaking. Please know that even when you have faith, It is totally okay to be angry! Those are real, raw emotions and it would be wrong to not let yourself feel them!

    Nothing I say will ease the pain. Girl, my heart absolutely aches for and with you!! I wish I could be where you are and hug you! Please just know that you are admired for being so real.

    • Catherine says

      Oh Amy, you are so kind to understand that my anger is coming from a place of genuineness and severe pain. I have to believe that God understands as well. It took us years to conceive and when I finally did, I kept telling myself, “God would not have given me this child if he were only going to take it away.” It will take some time for me to no longer be hurt and angry. Your words and support are so helpful for me at this time. Thank you so much.

  3. says

    I think your feelings are totally natural; it’s part of the grieving process. Bad things happen to good people, and it is not fair and it sucks. I hope expressing some of your struggles is a little cathartic for you. Hugs and prayers as always!

    • Catherine says

      Yes, Dana, absolutely true. Bad things do happen to good people and I have to persevere. Life can’t always be bliss. My husband and I are open to the possibilities for the future. I hope in time that the anger passes.

  4. says

    I do think that what you are feeling is totally normal. And okay, honestly. And I would be willing to get that God understands, too. The fact that you are working through your feelings is the most important part. Be gentle with yourself and take the time to heal in the way that you need.-Ashley

    • Catherine says

      Thank you Ashley, I am trying to work through it. It will take more spa days and vacation time, but I will get there! I appreciate your support.

  5. Michelle says

    after our 2nd miscarriage, people would say that it was God’s plan, give me prayerful cards reminding me how childless I was. I would try to thank them earnestly, but really I was thinking, “Don’t tell me that God has a plan, because His plan might say I never get pregnant!” And even when I was pregnant I had to tame fear every day thinking God may have something else in His plan.

    While I wasn’t on speaking terms with God for a while, I hope that the Footprints quote is true that while you don’t feel God’s presence now, I hope He’s carrying your through it.

    While I’m still working through the relationship even now, the whole journey makes me believes in miracles that much more.

    • Catherine says

      Michelle, sorry it’s taken me a while to respond back. I only went to Mass this past Sunday for the first time since the miscarriage. I read some scripture recently about people asking Jesus to perform certain acts so that they would believe. And the post-scripture analysis talked about how God wasn’t a magician and about non-believers who expect God to do these miraculous acts. Obviously struck a cord with me as that’s what I wanted Him to do. Time has healed and I imagine more time will help me heal fully.

  6. says

    Dear Catherine, I know how deep this valley seems right now. It is hard. My prayers continue to be with you sweet friend. God is waiting for you. He will be there when you are ready and is there now though you don’t feel Him. Praying that your faith increases and that healing brings you a breath of fresh air soon.

    ~ Ferly
    Gifts We Use {to grow, love and serve}

    • Catherine says

      Thank you Ferly. I know you are going through your own pain, yet you have such faith. I wish I could be like you! I only recently went back to church after the miscarriage. It was good to be back. I’m not going to deny that there is still frustration and anger, but I know that God still loves me nonetheless.

  7. Chris says

    Maybe God’s plan is for you to adopt? You are clearly full of the love and I think you would be a wonderful mother. Whether you can have one of your own or not can’t change that.

    I’m no theologian and I wouldn’t presume to know God’s paths for us. That said, if the desire is implanted, there is probably a reason…

    • Catherine says

      Thank you Chris for commenting! I have always been open and receptive to adoption. Any child of mine whether biological or not will be loved unconditionally. However my husband would like to exhaust all options before going down the adoption route. As he likes to say, “I want a child that has your smile.” I appreciate your support.

  8. says

    This is such an honest and raw blog post. thank you for sharing. I dealt with such a torn relationship with God after finding out I can’t have children. I’m finally on the mend, trying to repair that relationship but it doesn’t change how angry and dissapointed I was when I felt abandoned by Him.

    • Catherine says

      Laura, I’m so glad you took the time to comment. You are not alone! God is the parent of all parents and I have to believe he understands us and knows that our anger is coming from a place of deep deep pain. We are only human. Glad to meet you and following you now on Bloglovin.

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