I am still very bitter and very sad about my relationship with God. Honestly, when I think of God, he makes me cry. I don’t know whether I’m crying because I feel he’s a bad father, or whether I’m crying because I know I’m a petulant little child who’s upset that I haven’t gotten my way.
I am a devout Catholic. I go to church every week, I pray every day. My faith stems from a very religious family. My dad was in the seminary to become a priest before he met my mom, and my sister almost became a nun.
Life was prayerful and happy until I lost my baby, at which point I stopped going to church, I stopped praying, and became very angry with God. I’ve spent my whole life believing in him, believing that he provides. If God cannot answer the call of someone like me who has believed in him, loved him, and whose faith has never wavered, than what is the point! Why does God have to take away my child? What is the incentive in prayer if I’m the one who is getting FUCKED!
I see all these people who never go to church, who never pray, yet they are blessed with beautiful bouncy babies and it makes me so angry. I might as well not believe in God, then maybe I’ll finally have a healthy child of my own.
This has not been a good time in my life. I am angry and when I’m not angry, I’m simmering. Poor Dean has taken the brunt of it. Still he’ll ask, “Can we try to go to church this week?”
Yet my response is the same. “Nope, can’t say that I want to go.”
I finally did go, however, when my uncle passed away. I went to the rosary and the funeral mass, and I felt at peace. I listened to the scripture readings and cried. I have resigned myself to knowing that God’s plan and death are beyond human understanding.
Before my miscarriage, my faith was strong because it made sense. God always answered my prayers. 100%. He never failed me. For that reason, faith was actually quite logical and scientific for me. Here is a theory: God is real. Test the theory by asking questions and getting the right answers. Theory proven.
But now my theory is being put to the ringer. There are no answers. My comprehension is failing me. I absolutely don’t know why and I do not understand. And so for the first time in my life, this is a matter of unconditional love for God, despite feeling abandoned, and having blind faith.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18