Are You There God? It’s Me Catherine

Up until recently, my faith in God was unshakable. If you had asked me then why I was religious and why I believe, I always said the same thing: When I ask, God listens.

So when the doctor told us the baby wasn’t growing and the pregnancy would not continue, I begged God to listen.  I prayed more than I ever have in my 37 years of living a religious life.

Imagine the person you love the most in this world was teetering on the brink of death. I assume you would call on God or whoever deity you believe in, and if not a deity, then cross all your fingers, legs, and toes. That’s how I felt. Crazed at the idea of that love being taken away.

I prayed so much, I prayed in my dreams. I asked others to pray too. Baby be safe. Baby be strong. I wanted the baby to come into this world and be held. Not by the saints or by God in heaven. I wanted the baby to be cradled by me, it’s mother, here on earth, in the flesh. Are you there God? I’m asking please. Please listen.

No heartbeat.

That’s when I turned away from God. I wouldn’t be human if I said my faith wasn’t shaken. Because I am hurt and angry and sorrowful.

Have I turned atheist? No.

Do I still believe in God? Yes.

Am I mad at God? YES!

Am I talking to God? I am taking a break as I tend to my grief. I feel let down. And don’t feel like talking to him right now. Except that I do, because I believe. So every once in a while I sneak in a plea. God, please take care of my baby up there.

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Comments

  1. Catherine, thank you for sharing. I hear you. I love God. And I have been mad at God and questioned His actions and timing. And I think that is okay. It has to be.

  2. Natanya Bone says:

    Thank you for your honesty. I love reading you blog. I never comment, but my soul feels your pain and God put this on my heart to write something.

    I have not lost child, but I do know what it feels like to lose someone you placed all your hopes, dreams, love and prayers into and to have the unthinkable still happen. It not only shakes your faith, but also makes you question What did you do to deserve this?, Am I being punished? and basically just Why me Father? Why me? I too was mad at God over my own losses, but I know that he never gives us more than we can bear and he does not bring us to something unless he brings us through it. Even though you are not speaking with your mouth to Him, He knows and hear your heart, knows that you are hurting and you have to take the necessary steps to persevere. I believe he is guiding you through this process and you are still communicating with him through your works (writing). Through your writing, you are expressing your feelings for you, to us but also to him. He will bless you and he will never leave you.

    Just believe that you did nothing wrong and this is not your fault. I believe that God wanted your beautiful baby so much, He called her/him back to heaven because He would miss her/him too much. I believe that your baby is waiting for you in heaven. Know that your baby is so special and will be waiting for you with open arms when you get to heaven.

    Cry, Scream, Get Angry, Throw something… whatever you have to do to get through. Don’t hold this in, express your feelings as much as you can. Know that you are loved not only here on Earth, but also in heaven. God is listening and He is with you, holding you and comforting you. You are blessed and have blessings coming you way.

    Praying for you and the hubby…

    • Catherine says:

      Natanya, I read your comment today while I was at work and I had to set it aside as I started tearing up at my desk. Thank you for writing those words which I so needed to hear. I know that God is listening, that he cares, and that he still loves me even though I am mad, because it is really simply pain. Horrible pain. Your comment comforted me very much. Thank you for writing. I’m so glad you did.

  3. ruxana meer says:

    Crying. And keeping you in my prayers – for your family and your heart. May you both stay unbitter. I’m guessing here, but seems to be there is more to this thing called life than baby cravings, IVF and assisted reproductive technology. But I know, somedays it doesn’t feel like it.

    • Catherine says:

      Ruxana, thank you for your sweet message. I ask Daniel about you often, and hope that you are well.

  4. I have a friend that went through a horrible trauma. She would say that God and her aren’t getting a divorce but he sure as hell is sleeping on the couch for a while. I love that. She also said that God can take all of our anger and spite and rage and slander – just like I parent can take it from her children – and still love us. I loved having that permission to hate and be angry at God and then know that God and I were still together. I am so sorry for your painful painful loss Catherine. And I join you in asking: Why? Take good care.

    • Catherine says:

      Kristy, yes! That truly characterizes it. Right now, God is sleeping on the couch. She nailed it, and that brought levity to my heart. Thank you.

  5. Love ya girl! I have continuously kept you in prayer. Through it all God still gets the glory.

    • Catherine says:

      Thank you Joi. God is all-knowing and there can’t always be an explanation for what is his master plan. I must trust.

  6. Sorry for your loss. Hope you can start to heal.

    I had 2 miscarriages years ago, so I can relate xoxo

    • Catherine says:

      Sue, I appreciate your understanding. It’s hard now, but I know that time will heal. Thank you.

  7. I am sure God is used to having people mad at Him and is taking great care of your baby. Hugs!

  8. Oh Catherine. There are no words, because I’m sorry doesn’t seem like enough.-Ashley

  9. I know just how you feel, my second pregnancy ended in miscarriage. It is an enormous heartache. Through my grief, I turned to God even more as I sought comfort, understanding, and peace. As you grieve, I pray you find the same in God’s word, in your own timing. It is through scripture that God speaks back to us. It’s how He shows me He is listening, and He hears your cries and is carrying you though you may not feel it.

    “Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.” – Psalm 34:8

    “Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.” – Lamentations3:32

    “There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.” – Proverbs 23:18

    My prayers are with you and your family.

    • Catherine says:

      Thank you Ferly. I know I need to trust in God. Even though I’m pained at the loss, I also want to acknowledge (even though it’s hard for me to see the positive right now) that God blessed us with a pregnancy and life when doctors said it was impossible. That’s why this was and will always be our little miracle baby. I know that God is comforting me during this time of grief. I especially feel his presence through the kindness of others. Thank you.

      • It’s all part of the grieving process. I love that you can pull out God’s miracle in your life at this stage of loss. That’s God’s compassion right there! Been praying for you ever since we got connected. Hang in there girl.

  10. These are honest thoughts; honest writing. I lost a child in 2011. I understand the pain and the anger. I pray that you come to a place and peace and joy. Truly thinking about you. xoxo Andrea

    • Catherine says:

      I can’t imagine there’s any other grief as painful as losing a child. I’m comforted by our shared experience. Thank you so much Andrea for your support and your prayers.

  11. My heart breaks for you every time I read how eloquently you describe the pain and grief you are experiencing. I can certainly understand your anger at God, and I respect your honesty and willingness to share what you are feeling.

    • Catherine says:

      We share it all on our blogs: the good, the bad, and everything in-between. I love comments and they mean even more to me during this hardship. Thank you, Dana, for commenting and for your support.

  12. The same thing happened to me and I was angry at God too. God can handle your anger, so be as angry as you want. I found my way back to God. I have faith that you will too…when YOU are ready. When you are ready, God will be there for you…

    • Catherine says:

      You know how they say that you’re only angry at the people you love the most? I hope God knows that! Thank you, Rachel, for commenting and making me feel less alone.

  13. Thank you for sharing your hurts and your faith. I’m in much the same position (though neither of my pregnancies was far enough along to even think about a heartbeat before I lost them) because now we’ve discovered we’re infertile due to a condition which has been progressing inexorably, I just don’t know what to think.

    I am battling The Plan, but I know God loves me, and He’s big enough to take it.

    • Catherine says:

      Thank you for commenting. Before you think all is lost, I want you to know that the doctors said that we would not become pregnant without medical intervention since I do not ovulate and my husband has very low quality sperm. And we did, against the odds, become pregnant completely naturally. Do not lose hope.

  14. Katherine, seriously beautiful post and thank you so much for being so brave to share this with us. I will tell you I had a chemical pregnancy before getting pregnant with out first. I was so overjoyed to be told I was pregnant and then only a week later to be told it was a loss and nothing could be done tore my heart out. I remember being so devastated and then my feelings quickly turned to anger. I was so very angry, too as at life in general. Thankfully, I did mover past it, but I will never forget those feelings and will always wonder what could have been. But I am now blessed with two beautiful daughters, so as much as you are hurting now I wish and hope that you too will have a happy ending. Praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts!!

    • Catherine says:

      Thank you Janine. We have been trying for so long to have a child, then to have this ultimate outcome has been truly devastating. I hear from many like you who have lost, then been blessed, so it does give us hope.

  15. Oh, my heart breaks for you! I have spent years being angry at God, and feeling guilty for that anger. I had to learn it’s okay to be angry at Him – we get angry when we’re in relationships, when we’re hurt.
    Hoping you will make it through your grief and come out the other side.

    • Catherine says:

      Thank you Natalie for your sweet message. I agree that we get angry with the people we love most. I think that is the case here with God. As a parent to every one of us, I am sure he must understand.

  16. Thank you so much for sharing that with us. I have experienced the pain of miscarriage several times, and it is a very specific kind of grief that is hard to understand and cope with. I hope you continue to give yourself the time and space to grieve in your own way. Hugs to you!

    • Catherine says:

      Thank you Stephanie for your words of support. It has been very difficult for me, but I know it will get better.

  17. Vixen, sorry for your loss. I am pretty sure the almighty has something even bigger in store for you.

    Hugs!

  18. I got one word, which from our conversations going back several years I’m sure this has already occurred to you: Job.

    You can interpret this in more than one way, chose the affirming interpretation(s).

    I love you.

    • Catherine says:

      Yes Job. My favorite book of the Bible is coming around to bite me with its theme of loss and glory. I hope I come through on the other side as well as Job did. Thank you Daniel for the reminder. I need to look for my special Job book so I can reread.

  19. I, too, am mad at God. Thank you for being so brave and saying so which makes me feel less alone.

  20. My Dad died in June of 2012. Up until his death during his illness, my faith was strong – God was working in my Dad’s (an athiest’s) life and in the lives of my family. God knew what he was doing, and I would be faithful. Then my Dad died. I don’t know if he came to know God. I don’t know what happened. There were no angels. No fanfare. My Daddy – the man who raised me from infancy after my mother had abandoned us both, the man who taught me how to read and ride a bike, the man who was ALL I HAD in my childhood – was gone. I was mad. I stopped talking to God. I still believed, sure, but I was too angry to care. It’s been almost a year, and in the last few weeks I’ve come back to a place where I can finally be ok with not knowing why. It’s taken nearly a year. I haven’t lost a child – in fact I was 5 months pregnant when Dad died, and my daughters birth probably helped me get through last year, so I can’t say I know how you feel. But I get being mad at God, and I think it’s completely ok – you’re certainly not alone, anyway…

    • Catherine says:

      Thank you Samantha for sharing your story with me. I have to imagine that God who is the father of every one of us can take our anger, is understanding about it, and still loves us. This really is the first time my faith has been tested. But I do have to say that sharing this experience on my blog makes me feel very supported. Thank you for your support and understanding.

  21. My mom had 9 miscarriages before she had me. being catholic she prayed to St. Jude. She had always wanted a big family yet God’s will only permitted one child. Sometimes we don’t understand and we can’t figure out why but you have to have faith that it’s His Will. Anger is necessary yet peace is right over the threshold.

    • Catherine says:

      Thank you Marika for commenting and sharing the blessing of your birth. I’m not there yet, but I agree that peace will come to me.

  22. Praying for you right now sweet Catherine. I cannot imagine the pain, the suffocation and the anguish you are going through. We have just started trying and I fear not even being able to conceive. Your words spoke to my heart and my heart is sending up prayers and thoughts for you and prayers over your sweet baby in heaven.

    Bless you. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  23. Ps–sometimes we are just too exhausted and disheartened to pray…and that is okay and understandable. Thats where your friends and blog friends come in, to lift you up when you feel you can’t go on. You take your time sister. Rest. Know you are cared for.

    • Catherine says:

      Amy, thank you for your sweet comment. I have always said in the past that anyone who wants a baby, gets a baby. It’s obviously easier to dole out advice than it is to receive it! I have been broken and devastated by our experience, and am now slowly opening up to the idea of trying again. I wish you all the best with trying. Having a child should be the most wonderful, beautiful miraculous experience that it is, and I hope that you and I have that someday very soon.

  24. Oh Catherine, I am so sorry. I don’t have any words. My heart goes out to you! Know that there are lots of online friends out here keeping you in our hearts and prayers!

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