Happy Twenty Thirteen, My Lovely Bloggites
Every NYE and New Year’s, I’ve had high hopes and great expectations for what the future held for me. I wanted top-notch grades, more friends, more money, popularity. If I couldn’t have a clear complexion or grow taller than 5 feet, then please God, at least give me academic prestige. I prayed for a decent job, acceptance into a renowned business school, a Bay Area internship, an interesting career. I dreamed up a life of travel and adventure, one I could document online by writing a zany blog. I wanted a boyfriend, a committed relationship, a marriage.
Now that it’s 2013, I am thirty-seven-and-a-half-years-old and I am finally content, peacefully happy. There are no known impending life decisions: where am I going to go to school, where will I live, what job should I take, who should I marry? The only questions are: what will I eat for lunch, what will I blog about today, what will I eat for dinner?
It has taken a long time to get to this place of peace. 37 years is a damn long time! I think I suffered from depression my whole life, even as a very young child. I’m pretty sure it runs in the family, either depression or rage or both. I was way too sullen and introspective, and highly-sensitive to household fighting which I suspect was the reason I had trouble maintaining committed relationships. Get out now before the fighting gets worse! But because of my temperament, I was always wanting for something which is why I placed so much value on the promise of a new year.
And even after the vows were said in 2010, it didn’t get any easier. Marriage is hard work that will test your patience, your commitment, and your sense of self. It’s very easy to say it wasn’t meant to be, this person isn’t right for me, let me preserve who I am and leave. I’m better off alone. But marriage is like any job. You don’t hastily submit your resignation because something isn’t going your way. You simply work harder. If you have a kid who’s throwing a temper tantrum for the 4th week in a row, you don’t say Can I get another one? This rugrat isn’t working for me. There are no other options. Just deal.
Life has been hard, but worth every tear-filled minute to get to this point. There are so many things to be thankful for. I could go on and on. But I am most thankful for marrying the most committed, family-oriented, generous man in the universe who is cute and has a full canopy of hair. I have not made any new year’s resolutions. There is nothing I need. It would be nice to get pregnant (of course, we are trying), but I am a firm believer in God’s plan for He has always provided at the divine moment. Until then, my sole resolution is to be content as I am now throughout lucky 2013.