I’ve never been really great at anything. I was never athletic. I was never artistic. The only reason I excelled in school is because I forced myself to study at all hours of the night. I’ve always known that I wasn’t that bright. Nor am I talented. Sure, I can carry a tune. Maybe if I watch those Paula Abdul videos long enough, I can mimic those dance moves. And the only reason I write is because I like it. I like the solitude of it, the elimination of chatter. Just straight to the point, read at your own pace, write when you choose to.
I always thought of myself as the Tortoise in Aesop’s Fables. Just keep at it. Just keep working hard. I never dreamed I’d end up at the top business school. I was so happy to find my dream job afterwards. None of my classmates were dying to work at some regional bank. Wells Fargo was laughable stacked up against Lehman, Morgan Stanley, Merrill Lynch. And here I am at one of the most reputable companies to prevail in this recession. Unbelievable. I can’t believe I ended up in this favorable situation.
And after all these years of dating and heartache, I’ve suddenly become the Hare, looking to move in with my boyfriend, shopping for engagement rings, picking out names for our children.
But still, there are the fights. Still, there’s the volatility. Yes, I will lash out. Yes, I will quickly pack up and leave. But that is me. That will always be me. I’m trying to change. I’m trying to be more steadfast. And the reason I’m trying is because Dean believes in me. Because unlike all the other guys, he does not throw his hands up in frustration and scream back, “I can’t take it anymore. You’re not worth it. I’m never good enough for you and all you do is scream, scream, scream.”
Because after I take off and leave, Dean is there with open arms and he seems to understand me like no one ever has. It’s comforting. For the first time in a long time, I’m willing to love fully. So I’ll blog about the fights, but I know–I absolutely know–that this guy is my forever after.
And hopefully the Hare who started out in this love affair morphs back to the Tortoise she’s always been.