I did like Dan.  I really did…up unto the point that he split the bill.  I want to reiterate that he asked me out on a date.  I don’t care how he tries to dumb it down in his email below.  He asked me out to dinner with overtones of how pretty he thought I was, how fun it would be to go to Vegas together.  This is upon first meeting me.  So he was definitely interested not purely on a platonic level.  Even if in his mind he thought I wasn’t interested, wouldn’t any decent guy pay the bill if he asks a girl out?  YES, he should!  

I think maybe I lost confidence in the dating process and thought I was being too harsh.  Was I thinking about this all wrong?  Turns out I wasn’t.  And when I went out with Ethan, I realized…that is exactly how dates should end…with guys (who did the asking out in the first place) paying the bill.  It validated the fact that Dan is dumb and cheap.  I’m not going to argue about it.  

I certainly don’t think I had an attitude problem.  I thought he was interested in me, then went cheapskate instead.  In fact, I think I was being nice when I gave him another chance.  And again, he proved what an asshole he was.  Same deal as the dinner.  With the brunch, he ate more than his fair share, then split the bill.  

It’s true; I’m not looking to add to my friends.  I have too many friends.  So when someone asks me out on a date, I am most certainly interested.  I’m not going to go out with guys who I’m not interested in romantically.  But when he pulls a “I thought you just wanted to be friends” as an excuse for not paying the bill, I find that unacceptable.  I just do and I’m not going to apologize for my attitude.

One of my girlfriends moved back from NYC, had a welcome back dinner, and I met her friend Ethan.  He is great.  We chatted back and forth through Facebook, then he asked me out.  I just got back from the Presidio Social Club.  Our dinner reservations were at 7:45 so we were hanging out, talking for almost three hours.  And he friggin paid.  The way any guy should! He asked me out and he paid.  That’s the way it should be.  He shook his head, “Please no.  I got it. PLEASE!”  I didn’t even get a chance to even glance at the bill.  He swiped it right up.

So Dan is about done.  I’m not even certain of what my intent was in telling him that I was irritated that we split the bill…twice.  Partly, I wanted to be nice.  Partly, I want him to correct his behavior in the future.  And partly, if I’m mad at someone, I like to get it out in the open.  It helps me heal.  But let’s be real.  Even if guys think maybe you just want to be friends, if he asks you out, he should fucking pay the fucking bill!  If Dan was trying to imply in his below email that he didn’t think I was interested AND he happens to have a lot of friends who are girls (which he reiterated in a subsequent email), let’s be real.  Deep down, you’re not looking to befriend girls.  You’re looking to get into their pantsies.  So stop the bullshit and pay the bill. You suck it up, pay the bill, and then if she doesn’t reciprocate and she’s not interested, at least you know you went the route of the gentleman.

What a cheapass bastard.  I don’t adhere to the cheap Jewish stereotype (addressing the comment I got).  I have cheap, CHEAP ex-boyfriends; none of them were Jewish.  I have cheap friends some of whom are Jewish, some of whom are not.  My parents are the cheapest, scroogiest people I know.  So you’ll find cheap people in every race, every religion, every culture.  But this is a matter of courtesy.  You ask a girl out, you pay.  If you’re not going to pay, then I might as well stay home because I’d rather sit on the couch reading a book then deal with your cheapASS bullcrap.  

Catherine–

Glad to know you are back safely–from any and all major cities…I envy your Paris experience–it’s always great to hear anyone say they feel they’ve experienced the best of something.

As for our hanging out together, I am sorry to hear that I disappointed you…I am honestly taken aback by your judgment of me.

I am trying to read between the lines–so forgive me for any misinterpretation–but I am assuming that your disappointment over check splitting is due to the fact that you don’t believe a woman should pay while on a (romantic) date (?).  Proceeding under this assumption, I’m not sure what to say…

Most important, I suppose, is that I honestly have not felt you were interested in me romantically.  I am very attracted to you (on a number of levels), yet based on your reactions I was fairly sure that friendship was your goal–though I would certainly value you on that level as well.

If you are talking to your guy friends about me I suppose I should be flattered to some degree that you felt me worthy of discussion, but I am also definitely at a disadvantage because you have to successfully communicate with me on the subject…I would certainly appreciate a chance to understand the ‘logic’ you refer to below, and the chance to know you better.  If you have any interest in that (or not), please let me know soon so I know whether to save a ballet ticket for you.

Chaleureusement,

Dan

Same dealio.  Bill came.  He didn’t even look at it.  Just put enough cash down to cover exactly half the bill.  I got out my credit card. The waitress took the bill away, then came back, setting the bill down in front of him.

“Oh no, that goes to her.”

I smiled sarcastically as I signed my name.  You know, maybe he was raised to be cheap.  What can I say.  Then I started to think through the meal.  I got tea.  He got a mimosa.  His brunch was more expensive than mine.  And he got another mimosa!  But still…we split the bill.

Done and done.  This was more than cheap; it was plain unacceptable.

I didn’t respond to his follow-up emails, then started to feel bad.  So this was my response.

“hi dan, i just got back from nyc.  i was there supporting our ceo at a conference.

paris was wonderful.  it was my fourth time there, but surprisingly the best vacation i’ve ever been on.  lots of locals to tell us all the fun things to do.  and the wedding was amazing.

i don’t know how to put this, so i’ll just throw it out there and see.  i like hanging out with you. i think you’re smart, fun, interesting, really engaging.  but was a little thrown off by the bill-splitting.  i guess it’s just not something i’m used to.  obviously something i do with friends.  but if that’s the case, i’m really not looking to add friends to my expansive network.  i barely have enough quality time to spend with my very best friends.  i have been thinking a lot about this…maybe i just have high expectations?  but i have broached the subject with several guys friends and they all seem to agree with me. 

let me know if my logic is flawed.

catherine”

Recently I’ve gotten kinda sick of it.  I mean, I don’t go up to people and ask, “So…how’s your marriage going?”  So what makes people think they can ask me about my personal life willy-nilly.  At some point, don’t they think that maybe it is too personal a question?  At some point, don’t they think that maybe the exhaustive line of questioning hurts my feelings?

I came back from a wonderful one-week vacation in Paris.  It was the best vacation I’ve ever been on.  I was beaming from the trip.  Then I went to a Kentucky Derby party.  It was the first Kentucky Derby I’ve ever watched.  The death of Eight Belles saddened me.  That’s one thing. To see the second place filly put down.  But to aggravate matters, while I was talking about my Paris trip, someone came up to me and said, “Oh, I don’t care about that.  Let’s hear about the matchmaking.”  I was ready to bludgeon her!  The nerve of some people.

Since then, I’ve been on a tirade.  As soon as someone brings up the matchmaking, I lash out. “Is that all you care about?  I just came back from my trip and that’s the first question you ask? Are you fucking kidding me?”

One of my friends got the brunt of it two weeks ago.  ”Omigosh, I’m so sorry.  I just…I don’t know.  It’s just second-nature for me to ask about that.”

“There isn’t anything else you can think of?  Maybe politics?  Maybe the books I’m reading?  Maybe the vacation I just took?”  I shook my head.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I need a drink.”