I heart Dave.

The past couple weeks have been a blur. Work is busy. My relationship took a nosedive. And here I am…single again.

Last Friday, I considered breaking up with him. Saturday, I actually did it. Sunday, we sorta made up. Monday, we decided the breakup was permanent.

Maybe I’m doomed to be single forever.

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mom on the phone. I told her about my relationship, my reservations. She has always encouraged me to give it a chance. She knows I’m impatient. I don’t give things time. Plus she really likes Dave, as did my Dad and most of my friends.

I went on about not being sure. I fretted, “I don’t know, Mom. Maybe I’m just scared to be alone.”

She responded, “You know, Cat. Sometimes when you’re with someone, you can feel very alone.”

I thought that was such a profound statement.

Friends assure me that I’ll find someone. They’re not worried about me. But I worry about me! Although, I’ve been single for several days now and I feel much more at ease now than I did when I was in a relationship. I think that’s a good sign.

One of my friends pulled me aside and said, “I don’t think this is right. Yeah, he’s a great guy. But I’ve seen you happier. I want you to be happy.”

That said, I loved my boyfriend. Still do, always will. I broke up with him because we didn’t connect, we had poor communication, and he didn’t love me. I know love takes time, but after six months…you either love me or you don’t. I’m sorry, that’s just how it works in my mind. Let me know if you think otherwise.

Regardless, I didn’t feel special. He didn’t light up when he saw me. I want someone who thinks the world of me. I deserve that. I know I’m fun, interesting, unique. One of these days, I’m going to collide into someone who is the coolest guy ever, who thinks I’m the coolest chick ever. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.

I leave for Burning Man in a few hours. I’m going for longer than I ever have. Probably twice as long as I ever have. Ten days in the desert. It’s going to be a good year. I can feel it.

It’s all about feeling good. When you do things that make you feel good, it’s a compounding positive effect. I’m trying to ingrain that in my head. Make it part of my world view.

Have a great Labor Day weekend. I’ll catch you after the holiday.

Look how much darker I am than my sister!

Me to Conrado

relationship blues. how do you know if you’re with the right person. i keep going back and forth with my boyfriend. was going to break up with him last night. i don’t know if i just have relationship issues or whether i really should just break up with him. he is really good to me, super good guy. but not sure if we have what it takes to last.

i was counting on you to be up late when i called last night!

Conrado to Me

I don’t think there’s any easy answer to that.

Normally, I’d say “you just know”. But, considering your proclivity for finding problems with your boyfriends, it’s quite possible you just may not know. Sure, you have problems in your relationship. Everyone does. What are these differences you’re having? Do they really matter in the long-term? The trick is to choose your battles.

But even when you do just know, things can change over time. People grow. Sometimes in different directions. Thus the high divorce rate. I think the problem starts when people give up or stop trying. Everything worthwhile takes hard work. You of all people have first-hand experience of that. Graduating from Berkeley. Getting an MBA. Buying a house. None of those happen overnight. Nor does a successful relationship.

I’m not claiming to know all the secrets. But I do know that nothing is as easy as it seems. We’re at that age when a lot of our friends are getting married. Weddings always crack me up. There’s all this preparation and pressure to have this “perfect day”. Really, it’s just show time. The really important parts happen on a daily basis. Do you communicate well? Are your fights disagreements productive or just bitching sessions? Do you respect each other? Does he inspire you to be a better person, and vice versa? Are both of you equally vested in the relationship? Do you love each other?

I know. Lots of questions. No easy answer.

Joy to Me

katya, meant to call you yesterday to check up on you, but i was moving furniture all day and forgot. how are you doing? haveyou patched things up with dave?

hope you are doing ok,
joy

Me to Joy

you guys definitely perked me up saturday night. i’m glad you forced me out.

i spent sunday sulking around, though, and sleeping a lot (i do that when i depressed). finally called dave in the evening. he said he had been totally sad since our fight, couldn’t focus. he said he would try to validate my feelings from now on. we talked it out. he’s a really good, sweet, sensitive guy. i like him a lot.

but in my mind, i decided that this is kind of the last straw. we’ve had too many big fights and we’ve only been together for six months. we’re supposed to be in love and having a good time with each other. too many big arguments make catherine and dave depressing people. we’ll see how it goes.

my friend jae is coming in from LA tonight. we’re going to…OSHA THAI…for dinner around 8:30ish. it’s one of his favorite places. you are welcome to come. jen said she might come out, too.

Joy to Me

glad that you guys talked. it’s a good thing that you were both bothered by the fight since that means that you are both invested in this relationship, right?

for what it’s worth, here are some of my thoughts based on your email… i don’t think that having too many fights is a bad sign. i think you are just trying to get used to each other’s styles and getting to know each other. the fights are a means of communication. not fighting probably means you guys are suppressing your feelings and just glossing over things that are important. that would be avoidant and non-productive.

however, i think the bigger question is whether you like him, really like him. i ask this because in how you’ve talked abt him, i sense you have reservations. i know you think he’s good for you, good on paper, and is the nicest and most caring boyfriend to date. but do you really like him? does looking at/thinking of him melt you? does he really do it for you? and once you are sure of your feelings for him, each fight would just be abt whatever the disagreement is, and should not always call up the larger question: is he the right one for me?

would love to join you guys tonight. let me know which OSHA…joy

Me to Lizzie

lizzie, thanks for checking up on me. i have run out of cell phone minutes, so i can’t use my phone until 9pm my time which is probably past your bedtime—or at least too late for me to make a call to the east coast.

the weekend was really hard for me, but a couple of my friends did a good job of cheering me up! my gay friend took me to this crazy gay bar. it was like coyote ugly in the middle of jazz fest in the heart of the french quarter. i was like, “i had no idea this place existed. this is so much fun!” bartenders were walking around pouring shots for everyone. it was a hoot.

dave came over last night to chat. i had completely resigned myself to being single again, so it was good. we had a good talk about what i needed in a relationship, why he can’t give it, etc. he even said he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get past the issues we’d encountered. so…a win-win on all counts.

i woke up this morning feeling good, the day is sunny, and i’m pretty happy. i have a feeling there is something positive that is around the corner. it’s very odd…just a strong feeling.

my minutes are back up on friday. i’ll call you then

Me to My Blog Readers

Thanks to everyone who continues to read my blog.
I have amazing friends.
There’s a lot of great advice to go around.

Ronnie, Dominic, Tree, Logan (forefront), Nolan, and their mom / my cousin Nadine

I met my boyfriend online. We’ve been dating for almost six months. There might be some personal blog rules I’m breaking because I’m writing about him. I don’t know if he reads it. I told him about my blog. But after I told him about it, I asked once if he had read it and he said he hadn’t. I found that strange. I know if someone I was dating wrote a blog, it’d be my home page.

I’ll keep him nameless and call him ‘my boyfriend.’

It hasn’t been easy. Six months of anxiety and tears. Same as when I was single. We’re extremely different. We have different philosophies about life. He’s laidback. I’m high-strung. Opposites may attract, but our differences are drawing us apart.

We just got in a fight which is why I’m writing. I need to talk it out. I spend hours talking to my friends about relationships, including my own, but I get more confused than ever. Everyone abides by his or her own relationship rules.

The fight was about something silly. Aren’t they always? But I wonder if we are so fundamentally different that it will never work out. Is it bad to have these thoughts early in a relationship? Shouldn’t we be in some kind of honeymoon phase? That never happened. Romance? What romance.

I don’t know if it’s me, or whether we truly are incompatible. I want to figure it out. I need help.

My friend (who reads my blog) recommended that I talk to his former therapist. And I did.

I’ve been trying to reach my friend to tell him my thoughts, but I haven’t been able to get a hold of him. I want to thank him for the recommendation. A big THANK YOU to my friend.

I didn’t want to do it. $200/hour for therapy is way out of my budget. But I had one session and she is worth it. In one hour, she delivered all the insights I’ve gleaned from every self-help book I’ve read and more. She’s amazing, absolutely amazing.

She said I’m a relationship avoider. I lack commitment. I shot back, “That’s not true. I’ve had committed relationships. I’ve had boyfriends.”

“When was that, honey? Years ago…when you weren’t thinking about marriage. You could have a good time because you were young. Did you think you were going to marry any of your boyfriends?”

She was right. No, I never entertained the thought of marriage back then with them. It’s scarier now. Decisions now have serious repercussions. Is this going to last? Can I spend a lifetime with this person?

I told her about Nick, how obsessed I had been with him. She asked me why. “Because he’s so interesting, totally smart, attractive. I don’t know, he’s just so cool.”

“Do you really think that’s why you were attracted to him?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“No, Catherine. Come on. Think! You were attracted to him because he’s an avoider. Of course you liked him, he’s just like you. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship. Neither do you.”

I’d never thought of it that way before. It was a stunning revelation for me.

She’s expensive, but I’m going to suck it up. I might not take a big trip this year. Instead of traveling the world in search of adventure, maybe I should focus on fixing the cobwebs in my head first.

Here’s what I learned about myself. She made me write it down.

• I’m afraid to be in a relationship with someone I’m incompatible with.
• I am a relationship avoider.
• A relationship is a ticket to hell.
• I need to focus on breaking the pattern.
• I deserve love.

Homework: Watch ‘The Secret.’

I highly recommend it. It’s 90 minutes. It’s about self-empowerment and visualizing your dreams. It’s interesting. But as I watched more, I realized how much the secret had played a part in my own life. I thought about my dream of working for corporate America. I just knew I’d end up working for a reputable company and really liking it. I had the vision in my head. I didn’t know how I was going to get there. I dabbled from one job to another, eventually ending up getting my MBA and doing exactly what I had pictured my future would be as a kid.

The secret is about the law of attraction and how you will attract what you want if you truly believe in it.

So while writing this, I’m thinking about how aggravated I am with the differences I have with my boyfriend. Again, focusing on the negative, the incompatibility. That I forget how good he is to me, how much he cares.

I deserve love, I deserve love, I deserve love.

I can say it over and over. And write it down. But I’m still confused. Is the relationship I have love? I need the therapy. I need the help.

My hair is growing! Me and Joy at Rye bar.

I was in LA this past weekend, hanging out with a bunch of my b-school friends. More about the weekend in another post.
SFO – LAX – SFO

I’m now in Minneapolis for the week. Prone to motion sickness, I have trouble being productive on flights. So I slept the whole way. Compounded with the time difference, it’s past midnight here and I’m wide awake. The post-Ambien, ten hour sleep kind of awake. Yahoowie!
SFO – MSP

Here in Minne, I stay at the Grand Hotel. I love it. I’m not exaggerating. I actually get excited when my manager tells me I need to book a flight to come out. Built around a famous, historical athletic club, this hotel is THE hotel for those who like to sweat. The treadmills are to-die-for. Top of the line. I feel like I’m bouncing rather than running. The marble-covered steam room is hot and minty–a perfect wind-down after a long, strenuous run. The rooms and amenities are great, too, but the gym and all the classes keep me coming back with a smile. My camera is here with me. I’ll have to take some pictures and post them when I get back home.

Oh, there’s also a sushi restaurant in the hotel, plus complementary tea that comes to my door in the morning. And the hearty oatmeal for breakfast is divine. I love coming to Minneapolis! It’s like being on work vacation.

Val, Jason, and Tyler

I’m thrilled to post a picture of Tyler and his parents, Jason and Val. Look how cute he is! After the picture was taken, they took the tubes out of his mouth that were there to help inflate his lungs. This is a huge milestone.

But please continue to keep him in your thoughts. Sometimes his lungs collapse and with all the energy he is expending to prop himself up, his weight is fluctuating.

The little guy is a bundle of strength; I’m so proud.