I can’t stand it anymore.

When I battled weight issues, I used to make a list of every girl I knew and categorize them as ‘skinny’ or ‘not skinny.’ There were few women on the list who made it into the skinny category. It sounds neurotic, but I was trying to convince myself that I should be ok with how I looked, that I didn’t need to starve.

It’s kind of a weird analogy, but I’m going through the same thing with dating. I’m no longer looking at my matrix of the characteristics I want in a man on the Y axis, and the guys I’m dating on the X axis. No, that would be the normal thing to do. Instead, I’m listing out all the people I know who are single and deciding whether or not they ‘love being single.’ Then there’s the complementary list of my friends who are married or in relationships and deciding whether or not they ‘love being committed to their partner.’

Single vs. Committed…Place your bets.

Let’s start with being single, because in everyone’s life history, we are all single to begin with.

Remember back when you loved Footloose and all your friends were single? Then high school came around and you tacked posters of New Kids on the Block onto your wall. If you’re a guy, the only chick on your mind was Alyssa Milano. But if you’re gay, well…I guess you were also mesmerized with NKOTB.

Then interests diverged. Enter Stage Right: Pearl Jam. Exit: Kenny Loggins. Enter Stage Left: R. Kelly. People started to listen to different music. One by one your friends started hooking up, chatting about the prom. But it was ok because there was always the anti-prom continent. There were the loners who you couldn’t believe brought a date to the 10 Year Reunion. And…going stag was perfectly acceptable.

Fast forward fifteen years later. The amount of money I spent on wedding gifts last year totaled a mortgage payment. Babies are popping out. And when I want to see my friends, they have to ask permission! “Mr. [INSERT FRIEND’S LAST NAME], can Jenny come out and play?”

When I’m around couples, I stare accusingly—ready to lash out on anyone who questions my independence. I feel like the freak. Everyone feels sorry for me. All alone.

That’s when I refer to my list. My list of friends who are married or in relationships. They’ve got issues. One of my friends wants to have a kid now. They’ve been married long enough. The wife’s not ready. She won’t budge. Two of my friends are ready to call it quits with their significant others, but alas, a lack of follow-through.

Then there’s the newlywed with many years of dating her husband before marriage. She makes me believe that being single can’t be too bad. We went for a walk. “Cathy, it’s hard. Couples who say that it’s great, that they love being married…those people are lying. That’s bullshit. Everyday there’s something that grates on my nerves. It’s tough. Being married is hard.”

That’s when I think maybe being single is superb. Until I realize—although being married is hard work—not many of the married ones want to return to the dark side. Whereas all my single friends want to jump ship. They’re walking the plank above shark-infested waters—they want a boyfriend so badly even if he’s a shark!

Who knows. The grass is always greener no matter what your situation. I’m trying to isolate hardships and imperfection to validate my current situation. It’s not helping. Just like the list I made of the skinny girls never helped either. It was simply one of many coping mechanisms. Maybe if I just stopped thinking about it.

If only I could.

We all love Craigslist, right? I recently made a Craigslist purchase which underscores the huge deals you can take advantage of on the site.

I’ve had an old Canon PowerShot S330 2.0 megapixels since my 27th birthday thanks to my ex-boyfriend. He no longer talks to me, by the way. If his girlfriend can’t get over how hot I am, I guess if I were her, I’d make him stay away from me too!

So I’ve been schlepping this vintage Canon all over the world. In South Africa, my friends were making fun of how ginormous it is. With my recent bonus, I figured it was time to upgrade.

I knew I wanted a Canon Powershot. They’re very popular which makes it easy when you ask people to take a picture of you in front of something silly like…I don’t know…the Eiffel Tower. I decided on the SD450 5.0 megapixels. It’s small and thin just like me. I found it on Costco.com for $400 with $80 in rebates, which is a steal at $320. I was about to type in my credit card digits when I thought to check Craigslist.

Dude, this dude was selling a brand new one for $300! He had a UCSF email address—that’s legit to me. Said his girlfriend wanted a camcorder for her birthday instead. I was like, “Dude, you need to ditch the high-maintenance ingrate.” On top of that, he said he would bring the camera to my place. He was going out of his way to sell this thing.

I told him I’d meet him at Canvas, a café close to UCSF. He was there with the brand new packaged camera plus a photo album kit PLUS a Coach carrying case. All of that for $300. And no tax!

So before you buy, do a search on Craigslist. And if you never read one of my old blog stories about a high-paying part-time job I found on Craigslist. Here’s the link.

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Is there really any truth to that? I guess if some guy brought me some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies I’d be smitten.

I’ve decided to try again. I’ve tried to cook in the past, but I always struggled. I missed an ingredient at the store. It didn’t turn out right. I got frustrated.

I’m so easy to please that cooking seemed such a waste of time. I’m just as fond of a canister of Pringles as I am homemade pasta. In fact, I’d prefer Pringles. Besides, Pringles are only $2. Dinner for $2. You can’t beat that!

But I have to be able to cook something…anything. I polled a bunch of my guy friends and they all seem to agree that as long as I can cook one meal well, I’m golden. After that, I can eat out as much as I want.

The consensus on which meal to learn centered around breakfast: good old-fashioned bacon and eggs. A guy wakes up to the smell of bacon. Next day, he’s shopping for an engagement ring. Perfect. I didn’t even need the diamond incentive; I love bacon and eggs. This is something I could cook on my own every day if only I knew how.

Small roadblock: I don’t have any cookware. Whatever I previously owned, I ditched throughout my moves because I realized I never had any use for them. “Should I buy a pot?” I asked my friends.

“A pot? You need a frying pan!”

A frying pan is on its way thanks to Macys.com. I ordered the Cuisinart non-stick pan along with three ultra-soft Calvin Klein towels. A splurge at $30 each. A present to myself from my bonus money. I used the towels at my friend Cristina’s house and fell in love. They are the softest towels ever. To balance out the towel splurge, I went cheapie on the pan. It’s non-stick, but it’s not stainless. Puhleeze. $25 compared to $69 for extra shiny stainless steel. I’d rather buy another towel.

Now that I’ve been talking about how I want to learn how to cook, people are taking me under their wing. I helped my friend Marc with breakfast this past weekend. Patsy’s going to teach me how to make dinner. And everyone else is telling me their moron-proof concoctions. “This is the easiest recipe. You can’t go wrong. It’s so good, too. Start by sautéing the chicken.”

Umm, can we back up for the cooking-challenged ditz who spent her adult years eating cereal for dinner? What kind of chicken? How do I know what to buy at the store? I’ve never shopped for meat before.

Last Saturday, I helped Marc with brunch at his place. By the time I got there, he had cranberry scones ready to come out of the oven. I put the second batch of them in. I watched him lay the bacon out on his griddle. Then I helped a little with the frittata. That’s a little bit out of my scope. I’m like the girl with an extra chromosome signing up for AP classes. But bacon, I definitely can do that.

Baby cooking steps. I’m going to make bacon for myself this weekend. Next up: eggs.

My friend Patsy sent me this hilarious forward. I’m editing just for my favorites.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish………………………49
Feminist…………………..Fat
Open-minded…………..Desperate
Wants Soul mate………Stalker

WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need to talk = You’re in trouble
Sure, go ahead = You better not
Do what you want = You will pay for this later

MEN’S ENGLISH:
May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you.

HOW TO TRANSLATE CATHERINE’S BOY TALK:
All this funniness got me thinking that I often times say things that need translating. So here’s what you will catch me saying when I talk about boys along with the true translation.

He’s really nice. = He’s not that cute.
He’s hot. = He doesn’t call.
He’s smart. = He’s really smart. (I don’t date dumb guys.)
I can see myself marrying this guy. = Whenever we go out, he pays.
He’s really sharp. = He’s got his eye on any girl who walks into the bar.
He’s alright. = He calls me all the time.
I’m really into him. = He’s hot.
I want to have his kids. = (You will never hear me say this.)
He’s a total gentleman. = He’s so boring, I can’t stand it.
One of these days you should meet him. = He’s a good guy. He’s not a player. I’m just hoping you won’t like him so it’ll give me an excuse to dump him.

I grappled with what to give up for Lent: alcohol or sweets. Back and forth I vacillated through to Ash Wednesday.

For those of you with eyebrows furrowed, here’s the background. Ever heard of Mardi Gras? Well alrighty then, party revelers. Mardi Gras is French for ‘Fat Tuesday’ when people from all over the world flock to New Orleans just to catch a glimpse of (yeah, you guessed it) Britney Spears. But seriously, on Mardi Gras, people party, get drunk, and pig out because the next day—Ash Wednesday—is the start of Lent. Lent is the 40 days before Easter. Historically, it represents the 40 days Jesus resisted temptation while in the desert. Just like Jesus, we pray and fast. It’s customary to give up something for Lent, but one year back in college I ran every single day of Lent even when it was pouring rain. For all the years I’ve been doing this, running every day was the most memorable thing I’ve done.

I’ve got a lot of vices which gives me a lot of options when it comes to Lent. I knew that alcohol would be a huge sacrifice. Come on now, I’m an alcoholic. There’s no way this girl is going to completely eliminate wine or bloody marys from her diet for 40 days. Not gonna happen. It’s supposed to be for 40 days, but I counted and this year it’s actually 46 days. 46 days of hell. Whoops, forget I wrote that.

Then I got to thinking of sweets. I don’t drink alcohol every day, but you know me and chocolate chip cookies. So I kept trying to talk myself into thinking that chocolate chip cookies were an even bigger sacrifice since I eat them every day! But in all honesty, alcohol really is the bigger sacrifice.

I really wanted to make an effort this year so I decided to do a hybrid sacrifice: give up sweets and allow myself only one alcoholic drink per day. I think that’s pretty good. It’s not unreasonable. Giving up alcohol completely would have been unreasonable. Giving up sweets is still tough, but I think I can do it.

I gave up dessert the first year of business school. Unfortunately, Lent coincided with spring break…a cruise…lavish buffets…and unbelievable desserts. After one or two days on the cruise, I couldn’t help myself and went for it. Got home and mentioned it to my sister. Big mistake. Her response? “Jesus sacrificed his life on the cross and you couldn’t go 40 days with having some dessert?” Oh boy. Might as well have nailed me to a cross, I felt like shit.

Just so we’re all on the same page. By sweets, I specifically mean cookies, ice-cream, and chocolate. Sweets is too broad a grouping. My co-worker was trying to give me crap for making myself a PB&J. Am I not going to have salad dressing because it contains high fructose corn syrup? Not having my daily chocolate chip cookie fix is huge!

How am I doing? Thanks for asking, I am not doing too well! I’m sticking to the plan alright, but there are some major side-effects like withdrawal and hunger!!!

Today is the 5th day of Lent. This week was especially hard because on Ash Wednesday and for all the Fridays through to Easter, you can’t eat meat. It’s some kind of rule. Well, if I don’t have meat, it’s like I haven’t eaten. It didn’t matter how many rolls of sushi I devoured on Friday night, I woke up Saturday morning weighing two pounds less.

And not having chocolate chip cookies is the worst. It’s weird, I just don’t feel satisfied without them in my tummy. By the time Easter rolls around I’m going to be skin and bones, I tell ya. I’ll be so light I can practically float on up to heaven with Jesus Christ.